Judith Evans
Survive
My childhood was brutal. I was abandoned by my
father when I was two-and-a-half. Then when he
reappeared in my life again at the age of eight, it
became worse. I survived incest, starvation, and
beatings.
I clung to life. It was my two abortions that
nearly destroyed me.
When I became pregnant for the fifth time in
seven years, my doctor asked me if I really
thought I should "continue the pregnancy."
Abortion had never occurred to me until he sug
gested it.
My husband said, "It's your decision. Do what
you want," and left for work. Naively, I began
looking for women who had had abortions. But I
couldn’t find anyone who would admit to having
had one. I asked my doctor and he said, "It only
takes a few minutes and it’s over."
Having already had four babies, I am now
appalled at how ignorant I was about fetal devel
opment. My doctor said the baby—at six-and-a
half weeks—was "just a blob," and I believed
him. Afterwards, before I even got home, I began
to cry. It didn't help.
When finally I stopped crying on the outside,
I kept crying on the inside. I felt so dirty and
alone. Something deep inside of me froze, I think.
I dreamed a lot about snow and ice, as well as
about babies. I felt cheated, betrayed, and manipu
lated.
I went to counseling and the psychologist
said, "forgive yourself," and "let yourself go on."
She didn't say how.
Two years later, I had another abortion as an
act of self-punishment. I wanted to die, or at least
go crazy so I could escape the torment, the night
mares about babies, the self-disgust and the degra
dation I felt.
I wasn't told that there could be complications
which wouldn't be discovered for years. I wasn't
told that the strength of the suction machine is
such that it can turn a uterus nearly completely
inside out. I had to have an early hysterectomy
because of it.
I wasn't told that after having an abortion an
unbelievable self-hatred would consume me and
lead to distrust, suspicion, and the utter inability
to care about myself or others—including my four
children. I wasn't told that hearing babies cry
would trigger such anger that I wouldn't be able to
be around babies at all.
I wasn't told that it would become impossible
to look at my own eyes in a mirror. Or that my
confidence would be so shaken that I would
become unable to make important life decisions.
My self-hatred kept me from pursuing my goal of
becoming a registered nurse. I didn't think I
deserved success.
I wasn't told that I would come to hate all
those who advised me to have my abortions,
because they were my accomplices in the murders
of my babies. I wasn't told that having an abortion
with my husband's consent would end up causing
me to hate the father of my children, or that I
would be unable to sustain ANY satisfying, last
ing, fulfilling relationships.
I wasn’t told that I could become suicidal in
the fall of every year, when both of my babies
should have been bom.
I wasn't told that on the birthdays of my liv
ing children, I would remember the two for whom
I would never make a birthday cake, or that on
Mother's Day I would remember the two who
would never send me a card, or that every
Christmas I would remember the two for whom
there would be no presents.
My abortions were supposed to be a "quick
fix" for my problems, but they didn't tell me there
is no "quick-fix" for regrets.
I went to a psychiatric hospital and they gave
me shock treatments. They didn't help. The night
mares continued.
I became a workaholic. Work didn't help.
I became a compulsive eater. Food didn't
help.
I became an anorexic as another form of self
punishment. That came close to killing me; I had
two strokes.
I tried alcohol. It only helped temporarily. The
torment would still be there when I woke up. That
effort to escape the pain only lasted two months.
Three things finally helped. First, I participat
ed in a ten-week post-abortion healing program. It
was incredible! It did so much for me.
Second, I took the training to help lead others
through the post-abortion healing program. Every
time I lead a group, I witness the miracle of God’s
mercy restoring the joy to these women’s lives.
That has helped me.
Third, in September of 1997 I received a
phone call at two in the morning. A girl in Texas
had seen a brochure containing my testimony. She
was scheduled to have an abortion at three
o’clock the next day. We talked until five in the
morning. Later, she called back and said she had
decided against having the abortion.
Finally, I knew with certainty that God had
used my experience to save someone else from
making my terrible mistake. That helped a lot.
Healing does not mean foigetting. I will
always regret what I did, and I will always miss
my babies until the day I am with them in
Heaven. But I know now that God can use every
part of our lives, even the worst parts, to allow us
to help others.
Praise the Lord. He is kind and merciful. He
has done wondrous things in my life.
Judith welcomes correspondence from anyone
who has had an abortion or is considering an
abortion. She can be reached at
talrcrft@kans.com.
Healing
1. Recognize that you are not alone. Others have
been through the same experience and the same
trials. Their experiences and understanding can
help you. They want to help you, just as you may
want to help others after you have finished going
through the healing process. (See “Don’t Go It
Alone," page 12)
2. Recognize that the road to full recovery will
take time and effort. God’s forgiveness can be
had instantly. But sorting out your feelings and
overcoming the ever-present temptation to give in
to despair and doubt—these take time.
3. Recognize that it is normal and good to mourn
the loss of a loved one. Just as mourning the loss
of a parent or spouse takes time, so does mourn
ing the loss of an aborted child. In the case of
abortion, the mourning process is often cut short
and never completed because of denial or feel
ings of guilt.
Courageously allow the mourning process to
get back on track. Accept your grief as normal
rather than something which must be covered up
or pushed away. Recognize that the pain of your
loss will fade as your healing progresses.
4. Admit your personal responsibility but also
recognize that others, too, were involved. Pray
for the strength to forgive both yourself and
everyone else who either encouraged you to have
the abortion or failed to help you avoid it.
5. Give your child over to the care of God. Know
that he or she is loved, happy, and well cared for
in heaven. Do not try to hold onto your child by
prolonging your grief. Hold onto him or her by
remembering your child’s
happiness in heaven.
6. Forgive others. Recognize that they, too, acted
out of ignorance, fear, or petty human selfishness.
If possible, let them know that you forgive them.
7. Forgive yourself. Remember that because your
child lives in the love and mercy of God, he or
she is beyond earthly malice. Your son or daugh
ter does not resent or condemn you. Instead, your
child, like God, wants you to be healed and
restored to the fullness of joy and happiness.
afterabortion.org
Elliot Institute
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