David C. Reardon, Ph.D.
Everyone has an opinion about abortion. That’s
fme—up to a point.
The problem is when these political and moral
views get in the way of efforts to help those who are
hurting because of a past abortion.
Just for the moment, set aside the question of
whether or not abortion should be legal, and ask
yourself, “Shouldn’t we all offer understanding and
compassion to our friends and family members who
are feeling grief over a past abortion?”
Most people would answer yes. Indeed, this is
one of the few areas of common ground between
both sides of the abortion debate. Unfortunately,
people on each side generally believe that while they
are understanding and compassionate, those on the
“other side” are not.
The truth is closer to this: both sides really want
to be understanding and compassionate, and both
sides are blind to the ways in which they are failing
in this regard.
As a result, women and men who are struggling
with unresolved grief over an abortion are caught in
a trap. They’re boxed in by the politics of abortion.
On one side, they are afraid to share their grief
with friends who are “pro-life” because they fear
being condemned and rejected. On the other side,
they’ve learned that when they turn to friends who
are “pro-choice,” their grief may not be acknowl
edged as truly valid.
Pro-Choice Denial
In the latter case, pro-choice friends typically try to
offer support with words like, “Just forget about it. It
was your best choice at the time. It wasn’t really a
baby yet. You can have another baby some day.”
These statements are meant to offer reassurance.
But those grieving a past abortion hear something
else: “Just forget it. You didn’t lose anything that
was real." They walk away feeling that their grief is
irrational, unimportant, or even abnormal, and so
they bury their pain once more.
But this buried pain is exactly their problem!
They want to expose it, work through it, and get
beyond it—and they need the support of their loved
ones to do this.
This is why people of every culture hold funerals
and wakes. It is a time of open grieving when we
acknowledge and validate each other’s loss.
In abortion, something is lost. Whether you want
to call it the loss of a child or just the loss of an
“opportunity” to have a child, the loss is real. It has
to be grieved and released. If friends and loved ones
deny this grief, the grief process will actually be pro
longed.
Yet pro-choice advocates often hesitate to recog
nize the reality of post-abortion grief because they
fear this means they have to recognize the death of a
baby, which may somehow undermine the political
argument for legal abortion. Some extremists will
even go so far as to deny that abortion can ever
cause emotional suffering, a claim that is insulting to
the millions of women and men who know different
ly from their own experience.
In short, the politics of abortion are getting in the
way of post-abortion healing. Those who are experi
encing grief do not need rationalizations or slogans.
They need the reality of their emotional experience
to be understood, accepted, and respected.
Pro-Life Judgmentalism
Now let’s look at the other side of the trap.
Do women and men struggling with a past abor
tion feel comfortable talking about it with their pro
life friends? Rarely. This is because the pro-life
movement has done a far better job of condemning
abortion than of promoting compassion for those
who have experienced it.
Most pro-lifers probably do want to be compas
sionate. They really do “hate the sin, but love the
sinner.” Unfortunately, this seldom comes through in
their anti-abortion rhetoric.
Consider, for example, this comment made by
many pro-lifers: “I can’t understand how anyone
could have an abortion.” Sadly, anyone who says this
is merely exposing his ignorance of the immense
pressures which drive people to choose abortion.
Polls show that at least 70 percent of women
having abortions believe abortion is immoral. Most
of these women thought they would never have an
abortion. Many even considered themselves to be
pro-lifers. But when they found themselves trapped
in a hard situation, they ended up submitting to the
“evil necessity” of abortion as their “only choice.”
With this fact in mind, a more humble pro-life atti
tude would be to say, “Who am I to throw stones at
others?”
Secondly, pro-lifers who say, “I don’t understand
how anyone could have an abortion” are blind to
how hurtful this statement can be. Think about it.
What is the implication of this comment to a person
who has had an abortion? Won’t it be heard as,
“Only an evil person could ever have an abortion?”
This is not what most pro-lifers intend to say, but
it is the message that is heard.
Faced with comments like these, it is no wonder
that most women and men hurting over a past abor
tion will go to great lengths to hide their secret.
Would you share your secret grief over a past abor
tion with someone who “just can’t understand” how
anyone like you could do such a thing? Of course
not.
Most pro-lifers probably don’t intend to be con
demning. Indeed, most would genuinely want to
offer comfort and understanding. But the truth is,
most don’t know how.
Let's Face Their Reality
Bottom line: whether you consider yourself pro
choice or pro-life, it is essential to acknowledge the
feelings of those who do feel pain after an abortion.
Your political and moral views about abortion will
not change how they feel. Pushing your views may
simply prolong or aggravate their negative feelings.
Everyone, on both sides, can do better. Our
friends and loved ones need us to do better. Reading
this publication will help you do better.
David C. Reardon, Ph.D., is the director of the Elliot Institute and author of Making
Abortion Rare: A Healing Strategy for a Divided Nation.
Hope and Healing
Educational Insert
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afterabortion.org