PWPMW
Editor in chiti- Tun Pyle
Associati- sämis
Jack clikkont Mikiam swanson
New-swam- (541) 3466511
Zimäb odeEomgoa uotegmedu
oniliac editioaz www.dailyetnetald.oom
Laugh Now
Vote later
The presidential candidates aren’t
talking about the issues, so the
public can only laugh
Sixteen months from today, on the first
Tuesday of November, 2000, the United
States will elect its next president, from a
list that includes Al Gore, Bill Bradley,
George W. Bush, John McCain, Elizabeth
Dole, Lamar Alexander and Steve Forbes,
among others.
Can’t you just sense the excitement?
Scanning over those likely ballot choices
makes me want to call for a Constitutional
amendment, one which would grant Bill
Clinton four more years in
the White House. He may be
sleazy, he may be crooked
and he may weep more than
any leader should be al
lowed, but Clinton also
keeps this country enter
tained.
Maybe some of us more
than others, but what stimu
lating behavior can we truly
- expect from a President
Clinord Gore, or, egad, a President
—— Forbes? Former New York
Knick Bill Bradley may be able to whip
each and every one of us in a game of H-O
R-S-E, but it’s highly unlikely that he can
rise above his blandness to give us S-M-I-L
E-S.
Most pundits are practically conceding
the next presidential race to Bush, the son
of our 41st president. A CNN/USA Today
poll released last week showed 59 percent
of those polled would give Bush the Re
publican nomination. Other polls have the
Texan leading comfortably overall when
people are asked to choose between him
and Gore, the likely Democratic contender.
Politics run deep in the Bush family,
with another clan member, Jeb, holding the
governor’s office in Florida. But comedy?
Not unless you consider George W.’s term
“compassionate conservatism” a rib-tick
ler.
How about Arizona Sen. John McCain as
president? He’s been quoted as saying that
as President, “you may disagree with me
often, but I will never embarrass you.”
Where’s the fun in that? Anyone for Lamar
Alexander? Well, he is from Tennessee,
which is kind of a funny state.
The more serious readers out there are
probably thinking that this commentary is
just tissue-paper quality. The highest office
in our land shouldn’t be a place for buf
foonery, you argue, but instead should
command respect and honor.
OK, let’s play it your way for a bit.
Take any of the leading candidates and
list three campaign pledges he or she has
made. Other than the national anthem,
what does this group of politicians stand
for? Sure, it’s early in the race, but these
men and one woman are out there on the
trail, raising big bucks for next year’s battle.
In fact, Bush will be in Portland on
Wednesday for a fund-raising dinner that is
expected to generate about $200,000. If
you’re a contributor to the cause, what ex
actly are you getting for that donation?
Who knows — because Bush has been pret
ty mum on his platform to this point.
Oh wait, he has promised to bone up on
his foreign-policy knowledge, so that next
time he’s asked he won’t mix up Slovenia
and Slovakia.
Then there’s Gore. He, of course, has to
drag Clinton’s lame-duck butt through the
next year or so, and voters aren’t cutting the
vice president any slack, even though his
boss’ boo-boos shouldn’t be his as well. So,
other than Clinton’s misdeeds, what is it
about Gore that people like or dislike?
Yes, he’s boring. And we do know that
he’s pro-environment. He wrote a whole
book on the subject, for God’s sake! Gore
must be serious about the Earth, right? But
what are his main points?
Does he call for the elimination of all
cars by the year 2025? No one knows, be
cause so far, he’s not talking specifics, just
platitudes.
Maybe I’m just too cynical about all of
this. Then again, eight years of the Bill and
Hillary (and Monica and Gennifer and
Paula...) Show can put a crimp in one’s
political beliefs.
Sine, deep down I want a worthy, honor
able and respectable person to run this
country. I also want the candidates to let
me in on what they plan to do with that all
important position.
Until they start to speak up and give me
the goods, though, I’m pulling for Dan
Quayle.
Just for laughs.
Jack Clifford is an Emerald associate editor.
He can be reached via e-mail at ode@ore
gon.uoregon.edu.
Editorial Cartoons
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