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Perspectives
EDITOR IN CHIEF
Sarah Kickler
EDITORIAL EDITOR
Mike Schmierbach
NIGHT EDITOR
Holly Sanders
Ricki should go after real welfare cheats
Imagine what the talk show
folks would say if we told
them how much tax money
corporations take
The following is a complete
transcript of my conversa
tion with a representative of
the "Ricki Lake Show.” I
called in after viewing a show enti
tled “Angry Friends Confront Wel
fare Mothers.”
The show itself was pretty typical:
people berating young single moth
ers either for a) not having a job and
accepting welfare to feed the baby, or
b) having a job, which leaves the
baby in (horrors!) day care and away
from the parent. Yes, these argu
ments contradict each other — but
since the Republicans and Democ
rats don’t seem to notice that one ei
ther, I let Ricki & Co. off the hook.
I did, however, give them an idea
for a different show — and it started
out like this:
"Hello, this is the ‘Ricki Lake
Show’ calling. We’re looking for Jeff
Shaw. He had called about being a
guest on one of our
OPINION
Jeff
Shaw
upcoming snows.
“This is Jeff.
And actually, I just
pressed that but
ton in an attempt
to talk to a live per
son; I’ve got a
show idea for
you!”
“Wait,” the rep
resentative broke
in. ou yuu uun i
have a gay crush to reveal on some
one?”
“No, not this week,” I replied. “Al
though there is this guy named Barry
Williams — he’s a dreamboat! But
that’s another column. Anyway, I’m
calling to tell you the welfare mother
show was great. I hate lazy people
who take tax dollars from us hard
working Americans such as your
selves in the fiercely competitive talk
show industry.”
“Matter of fact,” I continued, “I
know one guy who single-handedly
soaks the taxpayer for over $300 mil
lion every year in welfare handouts
— and that’s on top of the salary he
earns! ” I added in a tone of righteous
indignation.
At this point he interrupted, out
raged and a little dubious. “But you
said this was a welfare case,” he said.
“How does this person get welfare in
addition to this job of his?”
“Easy,” I said. “He’s the CEO of
Archer Daniels Midland, a corpora
tion which made over $700 million
in profits last year. See, if you work at
McDonald’s, you might make too
much money to qualify for a welfare
check. But if you own McDonald’s,
that’s when the big welfare checks
start rolling in. One example: The
government kicked down $1.6 mil
lion to pay for Chicken McNuggets
advertising, for God’s sake!
“And speaking of giving money to
clowns,” I continued, “back to
Dwayne Andreas from ADM for a
minute. As if the $300 million
weren’t enough, the price supports
and subsidies we provide for the
com sweetener ADM sells cost the
American consumer $3 billion every
year. And that’s just direct cost to the
consumer — it doesn’t even factor in
the tax dollars that get handed to
these people. According to Tim
Weiner of The New York Times,
$170 billion in corporate welfare is
disbursed every year. Bet you didn’t
know that.”
“Well, no, I didn’t,” he muttered,
more than a little perplexed. “But
what does that have to do with ...”
“With your show? That’s the easy
part. Your show shouldn’t be picking
on welfare moms because aside from
being sexist as hell, it’s just plain
wrong. Aid to corporations costs us
over three and a half times what aid
to individuals did even before Clin
ton slashed the social safety net. And
what kind of return do we get on this
investment?
“Jack squat!” 1 shouted before he
could cut me off. “Unless you count
grants like the $11 million handout
to Pillsbury to promote the Dough
boy in other countries. That’s the real
tragedy: We’d rather invest in the im
ages of cartoon characters than in
raising the standard of living for real
people — investing in moms to help
them raise their children right.
“We criticize young mothers for
taking welfare, and if they get a job,
we vilify them for not staying home
with the kids. If you ask me, all these
people yapping about family values
ought to leave the welfare mothers
alone. Aren’t they supposed to be for
parents staying in the home?”
“But parents can stay at home
without welfare,” he protested. “In a
two-parent household, if one parent
gets a job —”
I had to interrupt again. “OK, even
if that was fair to single parents — the
hardest-working people in America
— it would still ignore the problem
with these corporate welfare recipi
ents. They don’t take this money so
they can create jobs. Sears, Roebuck
and Co. took $280 million in tax
breaks and cash from Illinois — and
then laid off 4,900 people there.
Want to do a show about the welfare
scandal? Put Dwayne Andreas and
the CEO of Sears and the CEO of
Lockheed on the show.”
“But,” he sighed, "it really would
\
CHRIS HUTCHINSON/Emerald
n’t make an exciting program. We
need action to keep the viewers inter
ested.”
“Action?” I screeched. “The aver
age American pays $1,388 every year
in corporate handouts. That’s my
money! That’s your money! What do
you think would happen if you told
your studio audience that — and
then put these fat, old rich guys in
suits in front of them and said,
‘Here’s where your money goes’?
Hand out some rotten fruit at the
door, and you’ve got a ratings bonan
za.”
OK, so you’ve probably guessed
that this conversation didn’t actually
occur. Still, how about it, folks? I say
call 1-800-GO-RICK1 and tell them
you think this would make a good
show. But dibs on the first spot in
line and the first tomato; after all, it’s
my idea.
Jeff Shaw is a columnist for the Emerald.
His work appears on alternate Wednes
days. His views do not necessarily repre
sent those of the newspaper.
Thumbs
TO CLEANING UP
IfT. EVEREST:
A group of
climbers are
heading up the
tallest mountain
in the world, but
instead of plant
ing a flag, the San
Francisco Chron
icle reports that
they are going to
take out the trash.
Everest is littered
with climbing left
overs, including
heavy metal oxy
gen tanks. The
climbing party
plans to haul the
trash off the high
est hill and back
down to thicker
air where it can
be property dis
posed of.
TO TRENT LOTT:
The Senate ma
jority leader does
live up to tils
promises better
than some presi
dents, but only
barely. Lott had
pledged to allow a
vote on campaign
finance reform,
which he did—
eventually. Before
he sent it to the
Senate, however,
Lott so drastically
changed the biB
that its original
supporters want
ed nothing to do
wBthftlftthe
midst otan ongo
ing barrage of
media coverage
of alleged oral sex
in the Oval Office,
the move re
ceived alarmingly
few headlines.
Even if voters had
started to put
some pressure
on Lott, however,
he still has plenty
of extra padding
in his wallet that
he can use to
cover his ass.
Knocking down
finance reform
managed to en
sure that.