Double Take College papers can tell you everything you need to know — parking sucks, tuition's sky high and no one’s voting in stu dent government elections. But once in a while, those crazy journalism kids brighten your day with a headline worthy of a Pulitzer. Here’s the scoop: Cheese whizzes into town tonight — The Red & Black, U. of Georgia Pomp and circumstance, my ass — The California Aggie, U. of California, Davis Peek-a-boo, they saw you make a poo-poo — Florida Flambeau, Florida State U. Chicken battles for prominence — Mesa Legend, Mesa Community College, Ariz. Man found with big cash, no pants — Alew Mexico Daily Lobo, U. of New Mexico Country fried genocide — The Daily Californian, U. of California, Berkeley Taking funk by the pants — The Advocate, Moorhead State U., Minn. Local woman gets plowed — Exponent, U. of Wisconsin, Platteville Sunbathing rabbits don’t take first class — The Lantern, Ohio State U. Take your dog and shove it — The Daily Iowan, U. of Iowa Unraveling the ‘U’ toilet paper trail — The State News, Michigan State U. BY PATRICK SEITZ U. of California, Riverside Illustration ry Marc Thorpe, U. of Maryland, College Park It’s tempting to end your current rei.a tionship when you start college, especially if your sweetheart is still moldering away in high school. But before you do, think about it for a minute.... Think of all your things that are still at her house, things you’ll never see again — like your joint-custody Chia pet, or that Tickle Me Elmo doll that you went in for together, tried to sell for 300 percent profit and ended up hanging onto as a tangible testament of your love. Not to mention all the horrific things she could tell her father (who never liked you in the first place), like what the two of you used to do in the backseat of his Ford Taurus. But don t just maintain your current relationship out of Rar. Do it because you honestly believe that the trials and tribulations ol a long-distance relationship will strengthen the norui you share, besides, why should anything change just because you’re living in a totally different time zone and sharing a room with some guv named Chimp who lives off nitrous oxide? I he long-distance relationship is the perfect setup. You still have the other person, but the relationship is suddenly low-maintenance and simple. You have somebody who is so glad to sec von when you come home for vacations that she does n t bother to ask if you ve been a good little boy at school. Ail you have ro do is call, e-mail or write every now and then. If you're really lazy, you can tell her that Chimp, your Stoner roommate, is Amish, and your computer and telephone were encroaching upon his religious beliefs. If your hometown honey is trulv devoted, you can even get away with scribbled messages on Post-it notes. I iving far away from the girlfriend allows you ro he the testosterone-laden, wruth, gluttonous Caligula you've always secretly wanted to be. And all vour pals dropped their girlfriends when they left for school? Those fools! BY AMIE E. NENNINGER U. of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign SO YOU MET YOUR destiny as a camp counselor in the woods of Wis consin as the set ting sun and intoxi cating scent of DEET lulled you intb romance. Or perhaps you met your match, at the tender age of 15, and you two were inseparable at all 12 dances of your high school career. Either way, you re faced with the same question: What to do with your part ner once you pack your bags and head back to College town, U.S.A.? Clearly, the decision is simple: Leave him like yesterday’s mashed potatoes, baby! 1 realize that perhaps you truly feel that you have met vour soul mate, the one who puts the yin in your yang and the ping in your pong. But trust me, even the most ideal companion translates into emotional baggage as soon as you part paths at the end of summer. In secret papers obtained from the Surgeon General, 1 have read the proof. Long-distance relationships do little to make the heart grow fonder — in fact, there's documented evi dence that they will drive you insane. Who maintains a shrine of 50-some pictures of their beloved and endures torrid nights on the phone defending why your roommate answered the phone and you didn tr Not those of us who are unafraid to fly solo into the school' year — that’s who. Leave your summer loves and high school romances in the wake, because everybody knows that if you love someone, set him free. If he leaves you alone for the entire school year, then pops back in your life come June with nary a bitter remark regarding his returned letters, it was meant to be. And remember, it's not about more fish in the sea. This is college. There are sea anemones, lampreys, ship wrecks and medical waste waiting to be discovered. -athertyme, Antoine L. Perkins, Ohio State U. fsumeR suae., IS SOMETHIN' „ HUH' TUftf'S wuSJfiTHiNk) X'N\ &ONNA jl\w£ C MISS if c,a)(HANDLE, the) paucW' -MAKE SURE THAT Mine l-s "uj&ll''jA 1 owe/ —