OPINION
I’m running for office again — every office there is, and I’ll quit
Some of you may recall ntv
hugely successful write-in
campaign last year.
Although I didn't ac tually win
anything, your votes for me pre
vented some candidates from
obtaining the majority votes
needed to avoid a runoff election
After much prodding bv vari
ous. disinterested parties. I've
dec ided to give’ it another shot
So, one e again, here goes mv
attempt at earning the esteemed
moniker. "Wrench in the Cog
wheels of Democracy."
Mv first mission is toconvince
you to get out and vote Just like
you can’t hum down a house
without first lighting a match,
neither c an you reallv annoy the
saps who have to count ballots
without first voting for me
I also realize that you are. in
fnc l, more likely to light a match
and burn down .a house than
vou are to vote in an ASl'() elec -
tion without some additional
inc entive. Thus. I must appeal to
you, the masses yearning to he
free, the proletariat seeking
equality, the apathetic, wanting
to be left alone. 1 embrace you
all — my children
Why vote for me? Good ques
tions Allow me to share my plat
form with you. (Actually, stay off
my platform. This only works if
1 can look down at you).
If I'm elected to the ASUO
Executive (that's president for
you lnypeople), I pledge to do
mv best to find the office, return
some phone calls and pose for
pictures with whatever sucker is
M vrtin Fisher
sentenr cd to the president of the
University Also. ! will never
shave my moustache unless
somebody pays me
I also promise to devote mv full
efforts to the installation and
operation ol an amusement park
on the KMl' East Lawn We'll t all
it "I’MLI World" (pronounced
EMU World ) and subsidize it
with student foes. Also, we'll hire
Rich Brooks to wander the park
and ensure patrons remain seat
ed at all times
Further. 1 w ill have open office
hours every Friday at the EMU
Beer Gardens (when they have
them). I realize this may lie unfair
to those of you under 21, hut so
M liat ?
As president. I will wear cool
ties every day. with special pref
erence to two of mv favorites
a Looney Tunes tie (very appro
priate) and a Seven Dwarfs tie
What more need I say?
Of course, you may not find any
particular motivation to vote for
me You may not fuel any partii ■
ular motivation to vote for any
one Well, do it anyway. Vote for
me Remember. "A vote for Mar
tin is a vote against them." Isn’t
that good enough?
last year, somu candidate*
came up with a nifty slogan
"Your agon da is our agendo " !
miss that slogan It was easy to
make fun of Nonetheless. I’ve
decided to n<main w ith my copy
rat slogan from last year, which
I really believe says it all "My
agenda is my agenda
Short, simple and to the point.
There's no confusion about
where I stand on the issues I
come down squarely on the side
of whatever suits me at the
moment At least I have the
courage to admit it up front
ASt !Q president isn't the only
position up for grabs There are
multiple seats available in the
Student Senate, which now
includes the functions of the IFl
and I want your vote for all of
them Never mind that I'm only
eligible for the law si hool seat,
write me in for every position and
dare the Elet lions Hoard to defy
the will of the people
1 actually know as much about
the Student Senate as most peo
ple. yvhich is nothing, so I am
ideal for the position I base this
on the fact that the Student Sen
ate knows nothing about the stu
dents. yet that doesn't seem to
stop it from claiming to sjie.ik on
your behalf
(fan you name your student
senator-’ Any Student senator '..
Of course not Why ? His ause it 's
an irrelevant position that
debates largely irrelevant issues
and passes irrelevant motions to
make irrelevant recommend.!
I also promise to
devote my full
efforts to the
installation and
operation of an
amusement park
on the EMU East
Lawn.
lions to the grown-ups in John
son Hall I would tw happy ns a
plum lo go tie fore the Senate and
argue your favorite irrelevant
issue on your helmlf. but only if
you i nn prove that you actually
voted for me
Ai tually. it would be lots o
fun to sit (perhaps literally) on
one of the three Imam e i ommit
tees that were t rented in the
March ‘I special election If I
were on the athlete department
committee. I would work to
make athletic funding contin
Kent on win-loss records It
would work like this t he AI > is
allocated a specifii amount to lie
held in trust That amount is
divided into as many portions ns
there are sports In turn, eat h
sport's portion is divuied into ns
many regular season games as it
has on the si hedule and that
portion is lied to a specific
game When a team wins that
game, it gels that portion of the
budget When it loses, it gets
nothing Coni lies who run
deficits will be assigned to the
golf tonm.
Although I realize ft>\v sports
would survive this method of
funding, by November it would
In*" up tho dirt pdtl called Aut/cn
Stadium for its proptir use as a
sts itnining pool
If 1 am (tint tod to the f Ml
hoard committee. I will send
mvself on regular convention out
mgs to 1 In wan While tillin', I will
attend sui h relevant seminars as
Students And Coconut* The
Key I'o Crowd Control,“ "How
I’o Hook Kt'iillv Kotton Marimhn
Hands" and "More Uses for
Wool How l'o Get Students I'o
Pay for Your Trip To Hawaii "
If elected to the ASUO Pro
grams Committee, I II join a stu
dent group like. s.iv. USSA. and
then vote to fund mi trip to
W ashington. I) ( While there I
will attend such relevant semi
liars as Stalin And Tho ( mod ()le
Days Snv It Ain't So. Joe."
Handcuffs And Cattleprods
Cuban Innovations In Higher
film ation" and l 'SSWIto' (let
ting Congress fo Admit We
fxi'-t "
rinallv, il ele< t«»«l. I promise io
quit the smile day tiei ause 1 |iist
i nn't seem to change the world
around me The f.u t that I have
better things to do has nothin#
to do with 111! (lei isioil Hey!
That 's it Here's my new i am
paign slogan:
"Vote for me I quit "
Martin Fistwr is a i nlummst foi
thr Fnwmlcl
LETTERS
Anti-Greek
Re( ently I have heard ASIJO
v i< i‘ presidential candidate Joey
Lyons claim to be pro-Greek
Nothing could bo further from
the truth! Joey sat on the Inci
dental Foe Committee that cut
the Interfraternitv Council's and
Panhellenic Council's budgets
by 7.3 pert ent and 4.5 percent
respectively. Did be oppose this
motion to cut the budget? NO! In
fact, be mode the motion.
Because fraternity and sorori
ty members represent l1) percent
of tilt? i am pus population, they
are especially vulnerable to
campaign rhetoric On a cauipus
where only 10 percent of tin*
students vote, a population of lr>
percent can lx* very powerful.
I am urging Greeks to look
behind all of the campaigning,
and vote for candidates who tru
ly represent our interests Leslie
Warren and Mark Khinard are
candidates who not only claim
to do this but will.
Mark and Leslie have shown a
sincere interest in the well-being
of our Greek system and are
willing to work with Greek*- and
at! other campus organizations
for positivu change on this uuu
pus.
Leslie and Mark are know!
edgeahle about campus issues
and willing to search for reason -
able solutions to the problems in
our student government Not
only do Mark and Leslie hove
the knowledge of what needs to
tie done, they have the charisma
to build the necessary working
relationships with student orga
ni/.ations to accomplish their
campaign goals
(.reeks have Inn'll Uiulitimi.il
ly mutt! when it i o intis to cmn
pus is Mins .irul it is time for this
to change Alt students, includ
ing (.rucks, need to get out and
vote for ( •lndidatos who nr«< Iru
Iv .1 war*! of student needs.
Donnib Fonoido
Finance Marketing
Former member
Intorfraternity Council
LETTERS
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