OPINION Get ready for Tonya: The Movie’ Martin Fishkr et me I login with an apolo gy, more to myself than J_Jnnvune else I swore earls on that I would not waste this space or sour time discussing Tonya Harding I lied But I’m not going to waste sour time svith an analysis of what’s gone wrong in amateur sports, the common ialization of the Olympics, the ruined lives of children forced to compete for their parents' glory, or poor little Tonya stories Who cares' Instead. I'm looking forward I'm using vision. 1 wanna make a fast buck Thus, 1 present my very own made for TV movie script, ripped from today's headlines "Terror on Ice: The Tonya Hard ing Story.” Dramatis Personae T he Hit man, Shane "The Club" Stant. played by Jean-CIaude Van [famine; T he Driver. Derrii k "Wheels” Smith, played by (ieorge (iastanza. T he Bodyguard. Shawn "007' Ft kardt. played In Barney (the dinosaur); Hie IS. |eff " Jelly fish' Gillooly. played by Beavis and Butt head. The Slump. Tonya T’o Little White tiirl" Harding, played In Shan non Doherty. and T he Star. Nan cy "Foster tiirl For Fvery thing” Kerrigan, played In Demi Moore We begin ot a Denny's restau rant (smoking section), where I larding, Gillooly and Kckardt an dis< ussing Harding's strategy for the upcoming national figure skating championships: Harding (between cigarette drags): ”1 think the (cough) key to my (hack) winning this thing is if (gasp) 11 an pull off my (at k) triple reverse sideyvavs lutz What do you (wheeze) think, lefty poo?” Gillooly "Huh huh, like il you won the championship, huh huh. that would lie cool Harding "But what should I do to make sure I win. my wittow Jelly welly Gillooly lleh, hell, break Nan cy’s legs' Yeah! Heh heh. Hit her1 I lit her1 Hit her' I leh heh Harding; "( m you lake care of this Shaw n FT kardt (swaying side to-side) ' I love you. you love rue. 1 used tu work for the C IA Harding "Great I'll write the name of the rmk where she prat tir es on this napkin, and then leave t)ie napkin here on this table Harding and Go depart A waiter (played by Mike Myersl c lears the table and discovers the napkin Waiter Gee. a napkin with writing on it Perhaps 1 should sav e this in r ase the FBI comes bv here in a couple of months Aren't I prest.unit? ( Winking at camera I Fxt ellent Shift to national champi onships. where Harding is watch ing news lootage of Nam v Kerri gan iiinnedialely after the attar k Kerrigan Why me. why me! ?!" Harding (to herself): "Because you skinny, healthy, popular bitc h — 1 can skate better than you. jump higher than you. move faster than you. but I keep losing to you because I'm not as pretty as you. They shouldn't have hit your knee, they should have knocked out your teeth! [Nowgig gling maniacally ) Now. the world will love Mb' MY pir tore will be on a Wheaties box' I I.I. get tin* millions m endorsements The ugiv duckling is no more' Ha ha ha ha ha'" lump to weeks after the chain pionships the dominoes begin to tall Ihe Media (played by Gera Ido Kiveraj lodav Shawn Ft karrlt, bodyguard lor Tonya Harding, admitted to arranging tin- attar k on Nancv Kerrigan Fikardt (being led away) "I love you, you love me. I know who hit Nancy's knee The Media Fr karrlt then led law enfori ement offit nils to Shane Slant and Derrit k Smith, the alleged hitman and getaway driver in the incident." Slant I took the job to save her life I could have killed birr, but chose not to. I am a hero." Smith: "Ohhhh, I knew this wouldn't work |odie Foster will never love me now How much longer can I remain Master of Mv Domain?" I he Medio "Harding and her husUuul had no intelligible com moot " Gilloolv "l’ll. we'd love to. uh, like, talk to you dudes' But. uh. you know uti. like journalists suck " Harding: Love me Pity me t ut to Oly mpics and our hosts, Kegis Philhin and Kathie U-e Cut I swore early on that I would not waste this space or your time discussing Tonya Harding. I lied. ford Regis "Oh! And hero comes that Tonya Harding' What .1 sto ry siic's been! How do you think recent events will affw t her per formance. kathie'7' kathie Iff Hi ll, she’s sut h a troubled young girl Tittle Cody says .1 prayer for Tonya every night However. 1 question her i.hange of tnusi< to AC DC s I >i rt \ I Iff (Is Done Dirt Cheap Kegis: "Is there a message there!7 I don't know!" Cut to February 1997. TV Commercial " The Club. Kocommonded by police and thugs alike Take it from me. Shane Slant, whether it's theft protection or assault and battery. The Club gets the job done The Media "Shawn Fi kardt, the meager-mind behind the 1994 assault on now U N Ambassador Nani v Kerrigan, was released from prison today Fi kardt 1 love you. you love me. I'll be rn h from my mov if The Media In related new s Tonya Harding and fier husband Jeff Cillooly. test 11 led before 1 Senate subcommittee today on the benefits of smoking, partu ularlv for asthmutu athletes Harding "Smoking lias truly benefited (hack) my career Were it not for smoking (gasp), the Phillip Morris people wouldn't (cough) have hired me to push 1 igarettes on little girls (gag) at the skate rmk I would not have (wheeze) The Media "Harding was removed from the hearing as her oxygen tank ran out As she was being wheeled away, she unnourn ed she vs .is leaving her husband Ibis marks the cou ple's t-tth separation (.iliooly "Huh hell Divorr e is cool' Yeah! Cool! I want money! Hell hell, hell hell The End 1 11 lie looking lor my royalty diet k in the mail Martin /-Ts/ifi is a 1 oltinwial for thr Emerald I STUDY ABROAD APPLICATION DEADLINES Due March 15 ( /».( IIOSl O \ A k IA ScfiwMci and >car i--«v *' ,'ua, . ar*.1 . « progrjrm ale offeted |f| cooper Of K*1 v»ilhC until '*> |ni€rnatH»nai i ducational I tt han^e it It I i ai l hoik' Uni vet mi y ITAIA \ mi *cek summer program iri Italian language and . ulturc 1 flerevl al itic Italian University ft* Foreigners in Ikrugu Die Department • *» Architecture also offers a summer pn*grarn in Rome HOi.ASO Semevtei and >car U*ig language and area studies programs ore offered in s>»<f>ctath*n with CH I ai the Warsaw* l cnliai Institute •* I'tannmg and StJItllM Til All.AM) Ottered through till at the khoo Kacn l mversny this j*>gr*m pens hies a fundamental grasp of the fhai language and a t**s«d understanding ol contemp««ar\ That culture. s»*iety and politics h is offered tall ami spring semester's YIKTVAM 1'a/lK ipants in this (li I vpon«u*ed po’grain take Vietnamese language. \ letnamese culture. histi*). and \**.ict> and i >memp«iorv S letnamese history The semester long program is offered lall and spring Due April 1 Dt-NM AKK ThisasademK program at the University •*( ( . pcnhagen ..Iters semester and full year programs in architecture cm ironmcniaJ studies international business, and liberal oris Field trips are integrated into the academic course w.wk A summer semester is also offered ISRAl.l Histone krnsakm is the site of a one year*<»K-siet progiam C ourse »<*k fmuses on the uioal sciences and humanities with s|*mu»J Concentration* in international, urban, religious, and Vfiddlc l ast Studies Th#f* it no prior forttgn language proficiency required for fheea programs For more information, vttfl fhe Office of International Education and Eichangt. 130 Oregon Hail LIVE ENTERTAINMENT NIGHTLY MONDAY MOVIE NIGHT POOL TABLES FREE DARTS $1 FOOSBALL ASSORTED EATS tmoking prrlrrrrd SPRINGFIELD^ SCIENTIFIC | SUPPLIES tij« VM7T /(503) 726-9176' I «00 3*4 2047 (memo* « h J1 r 1 . V 7*^? directory Eckankar Religion of the1 iglrt and Sound ot ( »od UVCnVrM 1 1th Avt 141 2657 Friday * 00 p m Worship Vfvn »*s open in .ill. \V mday night h (XV 7 10 p m and Thursday afternoon 12 10 I 10 p in A sharing ot spiritual mpenent t* \ insight Restoration Campus Ministry 2tWO University St 5400 Hi Me Ruundtabhn Thursday at 12 (X) p m A Bible study M< *ndav at " (X) p rn in the f\U ( entury Rimnty Praise < .athermg Tuesdays at B 00 p rn it HO*M lllh t yplonng world views fi; an 0»e Bihtir al perspet live Christian Science 144 0974 Meeting-, heid t nday at i f s i p m in the i All < her k n * >m listings fellowship. friendly support and spiritual growth international Student Christian Fellowship 1 Kincaid 14 > iM48 Wednesday Kiik heon 11 UV1 U) p m f nday fellowship T'OO p.m Cm Alpha ChrisUan Fellowship Stiitr . f.Mt UlilNIn Mtrdnpi MornLiy rwgtx ~ Otl rt Ml pm mtvJmgif Hall. mom I or Muslim Student Association .■o.MMl I4(» I7S« Rm I »'* Straub, f inlays 4 >}*n VVt* wvknmt- t*svrybn<ly !>'r ur study group ft* a stimulating In aii on the (^uran the ODE Classifieds! 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