OPINION
Get ready for Tonya: The Movie’
Martin Fishkr
et me I login with an apolo
gy, more to myself than
J_Jnnvune else I swore earls
on that I would not waste this
space or sour time discussing
Tonya Harding I lied
But I’m not going to waste sour
time svith an analysis of what’s
gone wrong in amateur sports, the
common ialization of the
Olympics, the ruined lives of
children forced to compete for
their parents' glory, or poor little
Tonya stories Who cares'
Instead. I'm looking forward
I'm using vision. 1 wanna make a
fast buck Thus, 1 present my very
own made for TV movie script,
ripped from today's headlines
"Terror on Ice: The Tonya Hard
ing Story.”
Dramatis Personae T he Hit
man, Shane "The Club" Stant.
played by Jean-CIaude Van
[famine; T he Driver. Derrii k
"Wheels” Smith, played by
(ieorge (iastanza. T he Bodyguard.
Shawn "007' Ft kardt. played In
Barney (the dinosaur); Hie IS.
|eff " Jelly fish' Gillooly. played
by Beavis and Butt head. The
Slump. Tonya T’o Little White
tiirl" Harding, played In Shan
non Doherty. and T he Star. Nan
cy "Foster tiirl For Fvery thing”
Kerrigan, played In Demi Moore
We begin ot a Denny's restau
rant (smoking section), where
I larding, Gillooly and Kckardt an
dis< ussing Harding's strategy for
the upcoming national figure
skating championships:
Harding (between cigarette
drags): ”1 think the (cough) key
to my (hack) winning this thing
is if (gasp) 11 an pull off my (at k)
triple reverse sideyvavs lutz What
do you (wheeze) think, lefty
poo?”
Gillooly "Huh huh, like il you
won the championship, huh huh.
that would lie cool
Harding "But what should I
do to make sure I win. my wittow
Jelly welly
Gillooly lleh, hell, break Nan
cy’s legs' Yeah! Heh heh. Hit her1
I lit her1 Hit her' I leh heh
Harding; "( m you lake care of
this Shaw n
FT kardt (swaying side to-side)
' I love you. you love rue. 1 used
tu work for the C IA
Harding "Great I'll write the
name of the rmk where she prat
tir es on this napkin, and then
leave t)ie napkin here on this
table
Harding and Go depart A
waiter (played by Mike Myersl
c lears the table and discovers the
napkin
Waiter Gee. a napkin with
writing on it Perhaps 1 should
sav e this in r ase the FBI comes
bv here in a couple of months
Aren't I prest.unit? ( Winking at
camera I Fxt ellent
Shift to national champi
onships. where Harding is watch
ing news lootage of Nam v Kerri
gan iiinnedialely after the attar k
Kerrigan Why me. why
me! ?!"
Harding (to herself): "Because
you skinny, healthy, popular
bitc h — 1 can skate better than
you. jump higher than you. move
faster than you. but I keep losing
to you because I'm not as pretty
as you. They shouldn't have hit
your knee, they should have
knocked out your teeth! [Nowgig
gling maniacally ) Now. the
world will love Mb' MY pir tore
will be on a Wheaties box' I I.I.
get tin* millions m endorsements
The ugiv duckling is no more' Ha
ha ha ha ha'"
lump to weeks after the chain
pionships the dominoes begin
to tall
Ihe Media (played by Gera Ido
Kiveraj lodav Shawn Ft karrlt,
bodyguard lor Tonya Harding,
admitted to arranging tin- attar k
on Nancv Kerrigan
Fikardt (being led away) "I
love you, you love me. I know
who hit Nancy's knee
The Media Fr karrlt then led
law enfori ement offit nils to
Shane Slant and Derrit k Smith,
the alleged hitman and getaway
driver in the incident."
Slant I took the job to save
her life I could have killed birr,
but chose not to. I am a hero."
Smith: "Ohhhh, I knew this
wouldn't work |odie Foster will
never love me now How much
longer can I remain Master of Mv
Domain?"
I he Medio "Harding and her
husUuul had no intelligible com
moot "
Gilloolv "l’ll. we'd love to. uh,
like, talk to you dudes' But. uh.
you know uti. like journalists
suck "
Harding: Love me Pity me
t ut to Oly mpics and our hosts,
Kegis Philhin and Kathie U-e Cut
I swore early on
that I would not
waste this space
or your time
discussing Tonya
Harding. I lied.
ford
Regis "Oh! And hero comes
that Tonya Harding' What .1 sto
ry siic's been! How do you think
recent events will affw t her per
formance. kathie'7'
kathie Iff Hi ll, she’s sut h
a troubled young girl Tittle Cody
says .1 prayer for Tonya every
night However. 1 question her
i.hange of tnusi< to AC DC s
I >i rt \ I Iff (Is Done Dirt Cheap
Kegis: "Is there a message
there!7 I don't know!"
Cut to February 1997.
TV Commercial " The Club.
Kocommonded by police and
thugs alike Take it from me.
Shane Slant, whether it's theft
protection or assault and battery.
The Club gets the job done
The Media "Shawn Fi kardt,
the meager-mind behind the
1994 assault on now U N
Ambassador Nani v Kerrigan,
was released from prison
today
Fi kardt 1 love you. you love
me. I'll be rn h from my mov if
The Media In related new s
Tonya Harding and fier husband
Jeff Cillooly. test 11 led before 1
Senate subcommittee today on
the benefits of smoking, partu
ularlv for asthmutu athletes
Harding "Smoking lias truly
benefited (hack) my career
Were it not for smoking (gasp),
the Phillip Morris people
wouldn't (cough) have hired me
to push 1 igarettes on little girls
(gag) at the skate rmk I would
not have (wheeze)
The Media "Harding was
removed from the hearing as her
oxygen tank ran out As she was
being wheeled away, she
unnourn ed she vs .is leaving her
husband Ibis marks the cou
ple's t-tth separation
(.iliooly "Huh hell Divorr e is
cool' Yeah! Cool! I want money!
Hell hell, hell hell
The End
1 11 lie looking lor my royalty
diet k in the mail
Martin /-Ts/ifi is a 1 oltinwial for
thr Emerald
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