Oregon Daily Emerald Sports - Super Bowl could be really super with some help It's roully too bad the Super Howl is only one week away. We all remember the days when the teams had two weeks to prepare for the big game, and ESPN had two weeks to shame lessly hype the championship game, which turns out to be a dud more times than not This season, however, all the hype will not lie able to steal the headlines form Portland's pride and joy. Mrs White Trash her self,.Tonya Harding The only thing the NFl. can hope for is that the Super Howl is actually a super bowl A good game, as in a game that goes down to the wire w ith one of the teams storing the winning touchdown on the final play of tht‘ game, is out of the question After all. Buffalo’s playing The real key to making this game a top-notch entertainment event is to have plenty of sight gags. celebrities .in<1 stupidity. A real knock down, drag out Hol lywood production Horn are some* examples of what would make Sunday's Super Bowl a memorable one • Mit hnol Iordan, during a day off from baseball spring training, takes over at quarter back for the Dallas Cowboys after Troy Aikman sprains his ankle doing the two-step in cel ebration of a touchdown pass Jordan comes off the bench to throw for 350 yards, runs for two tom hdowns and does enough cute little poses to fill every cereal box in the country. following the game. Jordan announces lie s retiring from football because. I've at i out plished everything there is to accomplish 1 need to spend more time with my family, and between playing Major League Baseball and my plans to try out DahCharbowkai with the Chicago Hlaokhnwks. the PCA Tour, the Pro Howler's Tour and the Women's Olympic lc o Skating team, playing foot ball just doesn't fit into my schedule right now." Asked for any Inst words, he looks in the camera and screams. "I'm gonna kic.k your butt Kerrigan " • I .eon Lett, Dallas master of stupidity, dives over the line on sec ond down thinking Buffalo is ku king a field goal and injures three of his own players. As the bull pops loose, he pii ks it up and rambles 50 yards, not hear ing the repeated whistle of the ref Finally, head coach Jimmy Johnson runs on to the field steps in front of Lett screaming "Stop you bumbling idiot!" Lett mistakes Johnson for a Bills' lineman and hulls over Johnson As Johnson falls in a heap at the 20-yard line, his hair flies off. revealing he really wears a toupee. Moments later. Cowboy own er Jerry Jones announces on the air to Ahmad Rashad on the sidelines that Lett is kicked off the team, • You know those dumb-look ing vehicles in the shape of a helmet that they use to carry injured players off the field? Well, for the first half of the the halftime extravaganza. Tonya Hording, dressed in a muscle half-shirt that says "Awesome" on the front, is released from her holding cell and gives a demon stration on how to fix the carbu retors in them while smoking a full pack of < igarettes before she's finished • For the second part of the halftime show, l.orona Bobbitt gives a demonstration on well, maybe not. • In the now infamous Bud Bowl — which is becoming more popular than the Super Bowl — Bud Light trails by five in tho closing seconds with the ball on Budweiser's two-yard line when they bring in their secret weapon: Running back "Kcknrdt Ale." the 350-pound bearded bottled slob noted for his counterterrorism, counter sniping and unconventional warfare, barrels through the line to win the game for Bud Light on the final play of the game. Turn to BOWL, Page 12 IS YOUR THIS . L' MONTH? 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