Oregon Daily Emerald Sports -
Super Bowl could be really super with some help
It's roully too bad the Super
Howl is only one week away.
We all remember the days
when the teams had two weeks
to prepare for the big game, and
ESPN had two weeks to shame
lessly hype the championship
game, which turns out to be a
dud more times than not
This season, however, all the
hype will not lie able to steal the
headlines form Portland's pride
and joy. Mrs White Trash her
self,.Tonya Harding
The only thing the NFl. can
hope for is that the Super Howl
is actually a super bowl A good
game, as in a game that goes
down to the wire w ith one of the
teams storing the winning
touchdown on the final play of
tht‘ game, is out of the question
After all. Buffalo’s playing
The real key to making this
game a top-notch entertainment
event is to have plenty of sight
gags. celebrities .in<1 stupidity. A
real knock down, drag out Hol
lywood production
Horn are some* examples of
what would make Sunday's
Super Bowl a memorable one
• Mit hnol Iordan, during a
day off from baseball spring
training, takes over at quarter
back for the Dallas Cowboys
after Troy Aikman sprains his
ankle doing the two-step in cel
ebration of a touchdown pass
Jordan comes off the bench to
throw for 350 yards, runs for
two tom hdowns and does
enough cute little poses to fill
every cereal box in the country.
following the game. Jordan
announces lie s retiring from
football because. I've at i out
plished everything there is to
accomplish 1 need to spend
more time with my family, and
between playing Major League
Baseball and my plans to try out
DahCharbowkai
with the Chicago Hlaokhnwks.
the PCA Tour, the Pro Howler's
Tour and the Women's Olympic
lc o Skating team, playing foot
ball just doesn't fit into my
schedule right now."
Asked for any Inst words, he
looks in the camera and
screams. "I'm gonna kic.k your
butt Kerrigan "
• I .eon Lett, Dallas master of
stupidity, dives over the line on
sec ond down thinking Buffalo is
ku king a field goal and injures
three of his own players. As the
bull pops loose, he pii ks it up
and rambles 50 yards, not hear
ing the repeated whistle of the
ref Finally, head coach Jimmy
Johnson runs on to the field
steps in front of Lett screaming
"Stop you bumbling idiot!"
Lett mistakes Johnson for a
Bills' lineman and hulls over
Johnson As Johnson falls in a
heap at the 20-yard line, his hair
flies off. revealing he really
wears a toupee.
Moments later. Cowboy own
er Jerry Jones announces on the
air to Ahmad Rashad on the
sidelines that Lett is kicked off
the team,
• You know those dumb-look
ing vehicles in the shape of a
helmet that they use to carry
injured players off the field?
Well, for the first half of the the
halftime extravaganza. Tonya
Hording, dressed in a muscle
half-shirt that says "Awesome"
on the front, is released from her
holding cell and gives a demon
stration on how to fix the carbu
retors in them while smoking a
full pack of < igarettes before
she's finished
• For the second part of the
halftime show, l.orona Bobbitt
gives a demonstration on
well, maybe not.
• In the now infamous Bud
Bowl — which is becoming
more popular than the Super
Bowl — Bud Light trails by five
in tho closing seconds with the
ball on Budweiser's two-yard
line when they bring in their
secret weapon: Running back
"Kcknrdt Ale." the 350-pound
bearded bottled slob noted for
his counterterrorism, counter
sniping and unconventional
warfare, barrels through the line
to win the game for Bud Light
on the final play of the game.
Turn to BOWL, Page 12
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