OPINION
Fishy types awarded very first annual ‘Fishies,’ hooray!
"And they don't even know even what
they're talking about/And 1 cant imagine what
empty bead* can achieve."
— Ozty Osbourne.
'You Can't Kill Rock And Roll"
As the year comes to a end, it’s only
appropriate to fall back on the
time-honored tradition of m tip
ping events and making fun of them. Thus.
I'm proud to announce the awarding of the
first annual "Fishies."
Fishy recipients have distinguished
them
selves
(luring
t h e
past as
b e i n g
silly,
weird
or just
plain Fishy. I,et the ceremonies begin!
Worst Letters to the Kditor Award: Pre
journalism and graduate students tied for
this one. Pre-journalism students contin
ue to submit the most bizarre letters most
of us have ever seen. And most curious
is their anti-media slant and gross igno
rance of how the media work.
Recent submissions have suggested the
Emerald does not have the right to print
what it wants. Perhaps these people
haven't taken classes that deal with the
First Amendment, so perhaps they can be
excused.
However, it's interesting to note that few
of these bizarre letters come from jour
nalism majors. Perhaps part of the major
admission process is a review of letters to
the editor. Those with the really bad ones
are denied admission and sent to the Kng
lish department.
On tfie other hand, graduate students
have no excuse. Using terrible grammar,
poor spelling and punctuation from
nowhere, their submissions are usually an
incoherent jumble of everything-l-write
has-to-sound-llke-a-thesis tripe that nev
er says anything.
Graduate students have elevated saying
nothing in 1.000 words to a new art form
The Best Name To Use Playing Hang
man: Hands down, this one goes to ASUO
Vice President Diana M.A Collins Puente
Gist year it w as Diana Collins, then Diana
Collins Puente, and in a recent issue of the
Student Insurgent she was given the M. A.
Obviously, the advantage to using her
name as the swxet word in a game of Hang
man is that, because it's always changing,
you never know for sure what it is
Placing a close second was former I Ft'
Chairman Stove Masat. Maul has decid
ed to change his name to Tristan Masai
when writing for the Insurgent. Is ho
embarrassed to be associated with the left
field rag? I would be.
The Split Personality Award The easy
winner is Insurgent editor and sometimes
EMU Hoard of Directors member Jason W
(dammit) Moore Moore appeared at the
last few Incidental Fee Committee meet
ings to act ns Masai's attack dog.
After interrupting the IFC, yelling at no
one in particular, calling IFC members
derogatory names and embarrassing him
self by trying to read the ASIJO Consti
tution and Robert’s Rules of Order, he then
attempts to write about it in the June 2
Insurgent.
Moore says he's I asm a reporter for eight
years Really? Here's a hint: Reporters don't
play advocate-wannabes at public meet
ings and then report on them.
The (Jet A Sense Of Humor Award And
the winner is — campus radio. KWVA
(Htt 1 FM). On Friday. June -t. EmeraldEdi
tor Pat Malnch wrote a review in which he
criticized the fledgling station for not play
ing "Peanut Butter" by the Marathons It
was a joke.
However, some confused employees of
KWVA took, seriously and thought Malar h
really lielieved KWVA was censoring a AOs
song so inane that even ‘50s stations don't
touch it. Two employees came to the timer
aid in person to complain that the Malach
wasn't being fair. Don't expect the KWVA
Comedy Hour anytime soon.
The Who Are These Guys? Award Still
on the topic of campus radio, did anybody
hear the station's sport talk show Sunday
with Matt Aaron and Bobby Miller7
The highlight of the show was when
Malach called in and requested "Peanut
Butter" by the Marathons It was a joke It
was also the best part of the show. In fact,
two hours of "Peanut Butter" by the
Marathons would have been more enter
taining and a l>etter use of the station's
hard-earned FCC license.
The Their Agenda I* Nobody Wur'i
Agenda A wan] Hands down to Miis.it and
Moore, again Way to go boys This dog
and-pony show's idea of student empow
erment is to relinquish control of about
half the I Ft' budget to the administration
And as two anti-establishment, smash
the-svstem ai tivists. funny how quickly
Moore was willing to use the ASUO Con
stitution and Roberts' Units of Order. Ixith
classic tools of the establishment, for his
own agenda
And after progressive Vtas.it was in < used
of using racial slurs against Bobby l.ee, a
Korean-American, he lured an attorney to
write a letter to lee in an attempt to intim
idate Lee from pursuing charges against
Mas.it
Next, the pair will prolmhly sis. a right
wing conspiracy trying to remove them
from their posts on the /resurgent
Perhaps the old adage. "When in Rome.
' applies here
The Kmpty House Award Again, the
winner here is a cut above the rest — Uni
versity Planning. The checkpoint in front
of Oregon Hall has been completed since
early winter term and has yet to let used.
While waiting for an Office of Puhlit
Safety offic er to screw up had enough to
lie assigned checkpoint duty, perhaps leas
ing the space to the EMI ’ Main Desk would
he a good idea They could sell c andy,
newspapers and process film Perhaps
Fotomat would serve as a sponsor
The Did Anybody Bring A Calculator?
Award Hats off to the aforementioned
University Assembly. At its April and May
meetings, this group of the' University's
brightest minds needed to vote several
times before it could get the count straight.
Once, it forgot to count a whole sec turn
of voters Another time, the person tally
mg the votes forgot to c urry a number,
resulting in a hundred more votes than
there ac tually were.
The Driiioc rue y In Action Award Hue k
to our two favorite winners Moore and
Mu sat The IIC needed to change its
required quorum during the year because
it did not have enough members to hear
budgets Moore and Masat never once
protested
The IFC needed to change its required
quorum to oust Masat. Moore and Masat
decried such action as a transgression of
denim mi v Doubting that they support
democracy over communism, i believe
these two need to go hack to high school
and retake their civics i lasses. Just because
they don't like the results of democracy
doesn't mean democracy isn't working. It's
just not working in their favor
The Censorship Aw ard Continuing our
long line of progressive winners, this one
goes to the Insurgent. I. along yvith others,
have submitted various letters to the edi
tor and corrm tion requests to the Insur
gent None of mine have been printed,
probably tiecause they were indisputable
errors and Moore could not write 10,000
word responses to them
On the other hand, the Insurgent did
print two letters from Malach. to which
Moore felt sufficientlv threatened to write
10,000 words in response The Insurgent
needs to grow up. at i ept critu ism and
admit when it's made a mistake, rather
than censoring those calling attention to
its errors in a pathetii effort to retain its
non-existent credibility.
The He Does That On Purpose? Award
Anyone who watches KMTK sports has
watt lied sports*aster Steve Froidinnii make
viewers i ringe with his annoying stacca
to speaking style.
Such classii s ns "All the . way . for
the I' D" and "To the rai k”
have to rank among the top-10 most annoy
ing things I've ever heard
However, in a recent edition of
"Weasel's World,' the classii comic strip
that np(>ears in the Emerald, l-'reidman was
parodied as being the sis ret lover of KMTR
anchor Jim Brown F'reidman then called
tlie Emerald to i ompluin that the strip was
in poor taste (why7 Is there something
wrong with homosexuals Steve7) nod that
cartoonist kraig Norris was stealing his
si htick
I'his suggests that he is annoying by
design and is not merely suffering from
brain damage Frightening
Well, that oliout wraps up this first annu
al Fishies Award ceremony No drawn-out
ai cepluin e spent lies (Moore excepted), no
boring production numbers What more
(or Moore) could you ask for7 Until next
year See Ya!
Martin Fisher is an editorial editor for
the Kmnruld.
THIS WEEK
JUNE 7-13
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