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COMMENT AND OPINION
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WICK TAM. THE SPECTATOR COLUMBIA U
Putting on a show for the folks
By Jamie Stanek
■ Collegiate Ttmes
Virginia Tech U.
What on earth could be more horrify
ing than waking up the Saturday of
Parents’ Weekend — hung over — at
10 o’clock in the morning to the beam
ing faces of Mom and Dad?
‘Hi, Mom Hi, Dad Be right with you.’
"Gee, son," clucks my all-too
impressed father as we walk around
campus, ‘there sure are a lot of skate
boards on campus
“Are they in some kind of club or orga
nization? Is this an engineering lab?
“When 1 was at school we had all kinds
of crazy engineering things going on.
You know, it's not too late to become an
engineer ... just like your brother.’
So now 1 hear it again
The "Why-can’t-you-be-more-like
your-brother-the-megalomaniacal-elec
trical-engineer- with-the-silicon-brain”
speech.
“Aw, c'mon Dad. You know 1 harely
passed Math for Art Majors 101.’
Anyway, it's getting pretty awkward
about now. Needing to change the sub
ject, I try to think of some diversion that
will lead us to more pleasant topics.
Seeing where this is going, it’s high
time for me to call an audible. “Hey, let's
all go to the duck pond," I suggest, know
ing how much Mom really digs the
nature scene.
So now people see the happy trio
traipsing on down to the duck pond. All
the while my dad is muttering, “Eight
thousand dollars a year and he isn’t
going to be an engineer.”
Yep, you guessed it. 1 broke Dad’s heart
when I came to Tbch to study biology. Tb
this day my mother still shakes her head
and tells me about his blood pressure
whenever the subject comes up
Lunch has come and gone. I’m still
hung over Somehow, 1 managed to get
15 bucks off my dad. 1 told him I’d think
about taking a dynamics course.
“Hey, I really have to go .. three tests
next week Have to keep those grades
up,” 1 say.
Okay, so 1 lie
I lie like a rug. I lie like a big, hung
over rug that wants to sleep all Sunday
afternoon.
So I give Dad a firm handshake and
Mom a peck on the cheek, then 1 wave
cheerfully as they drive merrily away.
Then I slmk back to my room and cry
myself to sleep. Parents’ Weekend: a
beautiful, sharing experience or a night
marish, guilt-filled hell? You decide.
Life after
college
I’ve recently dis
covered that the only
thing 1 really know
about America is
nothing. We’re not
part of the world
when we come to campus. Not even part
of the country.
And nothing I’ve read has ever painted
a clear picture of American life.
That is, nothing until I found “On an
Average Day” by Tom Heymann. This
should be on the bookshelf of every stu
dent who wants to know what America
is all about.
For example, if you’re interested in
finding out about America’s eating
habits, Heymann writes that on an aver
age day:
■ 101,280,321 adults are on diets
■ 24,657,534 hotdogs are eaten.
■ 16.3 million people eat atMcDonald's.
Better off
in school
These figures might account for the
$1.37 million we spend daily on laxa
tives and the 2,005,497 heartburns that
Americans have each day.
Want to know about relationships'’
I Want to know how you and your sweet
heart are going to fare out there? Again,
on the average day in America:
■ 6,567 couples get married.
■ 3,197 couples get divorced.
• Men spend 26 minutes cleaning the
house; women spend 59 minutes at the
task .
I say we live on campus for the next
20 years. Everyone cleans — or doesn’t
clean — their own dorm room
■ 1,109,589 condoms are bought;
women purchase 443,836 of them
So, we’ve come a long way in some
areas, but not as far in others; women
buy almost as many condoms as men do,
but they still do more than half of the
housework
America’s spiritual state isn’t looking
so good either. While Christian book
stores sell 34,932 Bibles a day, 41,096
calls are made to dial-a-pom services.
The worst news of all, however, is that
every day four people call Graceland
asking to speak to Elvis.
Well, that’s America for ya. Stay in col
lege as long as you can.
Don’t go out there
Statistics don’t lie.
■ Bob Bobala, The Daily Collegian, U.
of Massachusetts, Amherst
Is it a violation of the First
Amendment to regulate music
and art for obscenity?
In the September issue, we asked students if regulating music and art
for obscenity is a violation ol First Amendment nghts. Eighty percent ot
students who responded said they think it is a violation, white 20 percent
said it is not.
u
It’s definitely a violation,
but I think u>e can all out
live 2 Live Crew’s articula
tion of the English lan
guage. ..."
Michelle Krauss
Monmouth College. N. J.
No, because those are
forms of entertainment, and
they must fall under the
norms of society. “
John Durham,
U . of Cincinnati
44
It is definitely against
our rights to have any mem
ber of society judge what we
say, read, write or record. ”
Jett Brown,
U. of Missouri, Columbia
NOVEMBER
QUESTION
Do you want ’60s-styte activism to return
to American campuses?
1-800
662-5511