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“The News of the World”
by Ron Carlson
A man throws horse dung on his root every Christmas A
man video tapes himself sleeping to find out |ust exactly how his
blanket escapes from the bed every night A man claims Bigfoot is
responsible tor his wife s abduction A rebuttal and confession
from Bigfoot himself Yes, all true Welcome to the wacky, weird,
real, yet often tabloid world of Ron Carlson’s The News Of The
World."
Carlson s stories are written in the spoken voice (a true narra
I ion) which brings about a two fold effect — We are caught up m
the plot itself and in the narrator's personality Carlson's methods
intensify each story and sheds light on the often overlooked
bizarre ideals of individuals whose lives lean toward the absurd
An extra terrestrial whose UFO is a virtual jalopy junk heap9 A
clairvoyant whose powers are so strong she is isolated by her own
need to not know the future9 Yes. again, all true
I wo stories stand out as genuine modern day master
pieces — The Governor's Ball and The H Street Sledding
Record In The Governor's Ball" the narrator (of upper middle
class stature) confronts, through his own kindness and curiosity,
the pure happiness of those in poverty In The H Street Sledding
Record," Carlson examines those personal, quirky Christmas
traditions we all develop and nurture in our lifetimes
1 he News Of The World is void of stereotypes and reveals
how each of us, through emotion or logic (or both), are indeed a bit
off center And that being off center is okay Wonderful stuff
highly recommended
— Reviewed by Kerry Paul May
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Coupons in the Emerald save you money.'
Check every page, every day. It pays.
Kernels
Canine Toothache
A fraternity house mascot
made the front page of the
Oregon Daily Emerald on Dec.
3, 1925. Julius Ceasar, a wire
haired terrier belonging to the
Kappa Sigma house, had several
of his teeth pulled and two or
three others filled by a dentist
because of his caramel-chewing
habit. The dentist bill came to
$19.50.
Listed among his a c -
complishments is saving two
children from drowning in the
millracc, playing a part in "Two
Gentlemen of Verona” and be
ing the first to discover a fire in
the house.
Stairway to Life
As a result of a Harvard study
involving 17,(XX) graduates, two
doctors have come to the conclu
sion that each stair step we climb
adds four seconds to our life.
The study found that men who
burn up 2.(XX) calories a week
walking, engaging in sports or
stair climbing had death rates
one-quarter to one-third lower
than the least active people in the
study. Climbing 70 steps uses up
28 calorics of energy. That
means it takes 5.(MX) steps a
week to get rid of 2.(MM)
calorics.
Single Parents
The number of children in this
country residing with only one
parent is steadily rising, accor
ding to Census Bureau statistics.
In 1970, about 12 percent of the
nation’s children lived in single
parent households. By 1985.
that figure had almost reached
23.5 percent.
There are currently about 62.5
million children under the age of
18 in the United States.
Duck
Continued from Page 8
Ducky, Ducky, Ducky!” Pat
terson says.
A more serious incident took
place after a volleyball game at
Corvallis when Patterson was
lumped and injured by “three
drunk guys” who tried to tear
the Duck's head off. Patterson
now wears a knee brace under
the suit.
“We have to be careful at
some places,” Tyler says. “We
always want to make sure that
the Duck gets a pass and has
security at the road games. If
they don't, we won't be* there. It
can get pretty dangerous.”
The Duck is in high demand
these days. Tyler says. “The
Duck makes appearances at
booster events, fund-raising and
picture-taking events. It was at
Sacred Heart visiting the little
kids, and you wouldn’t believe
how many fraternities want it I
wouldn't send it to a party
though It's a $2,5(X) suit.*’
The Duck is required to he
available for promotional events
connected with the University as
stated in the “Duck Contract”
The Duck also will make an
appearance at the Pacific 10
basketball tournament along
with the rest of the school
mascots except Washington’s,
which is a real Husky.
“I always make it a point to
say hello to the other mascot.”
Hunt says “They represent
their school the same way we
do.”
Both Patterson and Tyler
agree the two worst-looking
mascots in the conference arc
the Beaver at Oregon State
University and Osky the Bear at
the University of California at
Berkeley. “(The Beaver) is what
the Husky left behind; he l<x>ks
like Curious George with a flat
tail,” Patterson says. Osky is
the second worst mascot mainly
because of his attitude. Patterson
says. When asked how Osky is
spelled, she replied. “G-r-u-n-t.
He's really rude.”
Patterson wanted it made
clear, however, that the person
inside the Beaver is nice, “it’s
just the suit that's bad.”
The Duck mascot is selected
on a tryout basis, similar to the
rally squad. The person has to a
student, between 4 foot 9 and 5
foot 8 height, and really outgo
ing and vivacious, Tyler says.
“Believe it or not, it’s really
an important thing,” she said.
“It's sort of prestigious because
there’s only two people that can
be the Duck."
GARY HENLEY
Whales
Continued from Page 9
then arch their backs, waving
their tales in mid-air before
submerging.
With each successive sighting,
the whales allowed their curious
observers to get a bit closer.
“They know we're here," Hut
chins says. “At first, a boat will
make them nervous. After a
while, they'll get a little more
comfortable with our
presence.”
The whales also allowed us
longer views, gradually increas
ing their surface times to ham it
up for their appreciative au
dience. At one point, both sur
faced. spouted water high into
the air and dived simultaneous
ly. resembling two overgrown,
dark-gray dolphins. This brief
performance illicited more
ooohs and aaahs than Wheel of
Fortune’s Vanna White.
At about 4 o’clock, the skies
became cloudy and the
temperature chilly. The whales
seemingly had eluded us; it had
been 15 minutes since the last
sighting and Hutchins expressed
little hope ot seeing them again.
“They ususally surface like
they’ve been doing-about every
six or seven minutes,” he says.
But they can stay under tor up
to 30 minutes.” Hutchins decid
ed we had worn out nature’s
welcome and turned the boat
toward shore.
I he mood back was subdued.
For some, this had been a one
time event; something to tell
friends about: “I’ve seen a live
whale before.” For them and
others, it was not an awe
inspiring experience as much as
it was a thought-provoking one.
We had seen the awesome open
sea, and perhaps felt a tad bit in
significant in the scheme of life.
We had seen the beauty of two
huge, graceful creatures without
a care in the world, and maybe
felt a bit envious of their
freedom. For these creatures are
truly tree. They do not need to
govern themselves with rules or
restrictions. There are not signs
directing their movement, nor
laws protecting them from each
other. Perhaps the main reason
people go whale watching is to
briefly experience this freedom.
ERIC BOTTJER
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