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Women cope with 'co-alcoholism'
through counseling, workshops
By Mary Courtis
Of tl» twnU
For women, growing up in a
dysfunctional home can lead to
feelings of low self-esteem, the
desire to rescue or to take care of
others and win their love, an ad
diction to men and emotional
pain, and problems with guilt,
depression and substance
abuse.
They often are drawn to peo
ple with problems that need fix
ing, and they view chaotic,
uncertain situations and rela
tionships as routine. In addi
tion. they often try to control
othors out of fear of abandon
ment and personal insecurity.
As a result, these women find
themselves attracted to
alcoholics or other emotionally
unavailable and troubled men
whom they try to control or
manage, repeating the patterns
learned during childhood, ac
cording to “Women Who Uve
Too Much.” a book by Robin
Norwood.
Because women believe they
can change a man by just loving
him enough. Norwood coined
the phrase "women who love
too much" to describe them
But loving too much is not the
problem, said Carolyn Hess, a
licensed substance-abuse
therapist in Eugene.
“Everyone comes from a
dysfunctional family to some
degree.” Hess said. “And the
unhealthy patterns we learn as a
child can greatly damage our
ability to feel and relate."
Dysfunctional families are
characterized by alcoholism,
other kinds of drug abuse,
physical battering, constant
arguing and tension or extreme
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rigidity about money, religion,
work, use of time, display of af
fection. sex or other issues.
These conditions have
adverse effects on children
growing up. especially in terms
of their capacity to express emo
tion and form satisfying rela
tionships as adults.
“If we’re a co-alchoholic. it
doesn't mean that we love too
much," Hess said. “It means
we re obsessed with managing
another person and their life. I
refer to it as a disease.''
Gloria Villagian, a Eugene
counselor, agreed.
"I emphasize the word as
‘dis-ease,’ " she said. “When
we live in constant dis-ease, life
becomes chaotic. And it can get
worse. Dis-ease can kill you."
Suicide, cancer and heart at
tacks are only some of the
dangers the prolonged stress of
being a co-alcoholic can pro
duce. Villagian said.
Consequently, it is very im
portant that a person recognize
that she has a problem and
seeks help, through counseling,
friends or some other support
group, she said.
"Women should get involved
in group therapy,” Villigian
said “By doing so. they come
in contact with women at dif
ferent levels of recovery and
have a chance to learn new cop
ing skills and receive a wide
variety of feedback."
“)ust talking to one other
friend may keep feeding into
the same insanity,” Hess add
ed. "In a group you get eight or
nine points of view. Personally.
I am more in favor of group than
individual therapy for this
reason."
noin vmugiiui aim wuu
co-sponaored a workshop last
weekend, agreed that par
ticipating in a workshop for co
alcoholics was an excellent way
for people to start getting their
lives back on track.
By attending a workshop,
women learn what a dysfunc
tional family is, the attitudes
and behavior patterns it may
lead to and utilize role playing
— visualizations and guided
meditations to begin dealing
with destructive cycles.
"One of the visualizations we
do is to have every person get in
touch with the black and golden
chords that tie us to other peo
ple." Villagian said. "The black
chords are the false ideas we
grew up with, and we visualize
pulling them out of our heart
and tossing them into the fire
Women can take this technique
home with them and do it on
their own, too, if they need to."
Workshop participation also
fosters a feeling of commonality
and encourages people not to
judge themselves or others, she
said.
"People often feel like they
are the only ones going through
this." Villagian said. "By par
ticipating in a work
shop.they learn that they are
not alone Listening to other
people talk can also help us
understand our own patterns
better.
"We realize that if l had had
these experiences, then 1 would
feel that way, too. A support
group allows women to take
back their power, to see that
they have choices, and that they
can actively make them rather
than just reacting and doing
what they have always done."
Hess agreed, saying, “We try
to help each individual feel
validated as a person.
"Often women invalidate
themselves and their ex
periences, but we encourage
them to see that they have a
right to be angry, that they
deserve happiness and harmony
in life, that they can love
themselves and learn to express
love for others in a positive
rather than a negative way.”
Both counselors also stressed
the need for co-alcoholics to
make their own recovery their
first priority and commit
themselves wholeheartedly to
this uoal.
The woman must accept that
her desire to seek help could in
terfere with or even end her pre
sent relationships, they say.
Finding a therapist who knows
about her situation and how to
deal with it is also a must, as is
not getting discouraged if pro
gress is slow.
“What we don't face up to is
what hurts us the most,” Hess
said. “Recovery is a continual
process. If it's taken us 30 years
to get messed up. you aren't go
ing to turn that around
overnight."
Workshop participants
agreed with this observation
“The benefit of all this for me
is that I realize 1 still have a lot
of personal growth to do.” said
participant Donna Reddon.
“I’m not finished with my
anger, and there arc many other
issues 1 still need to work on.
But I don’t want to quit. The
whole process is too exciting."
“I really appreciate the sup
port and caring I've gotten here
today from other women." said