Big game tomorrow,
Meagers can’t win
By Ditch Me Person
Of tW SaraoMrtvr
Well, hero we are at Snivel War time again.
It's time for our Meagers to go up against the ugly Ducklings from
down the road again.
1 know some of you out there think we have a chance for a BIG
win this year, hut of course we don't. We never get BIG wins, just
lucky ones, hell we haven't won more than three games in one year
since 1971. really I mean it! The oddsmakers in I .as Vegas may
think we have a chance, hut think about it. We haven't beaten those
mean Ducklings in 11 years, and I sure don't think that is going to
change Saturday.
l-et's consider these facts:
•Remember that we have won three games, a record number
around those parts, and the Meagers have the incentive on the line
to beat those mcanies from down the interstate. b«*oausc we haven't
beaten them in a coons age. It was way l»ack when we were known
as the Bumbling Bumpkins from Bentdown County, the last time
wo were lucky enough to beat those mean Duckvs. But let's also
consider that the Ducks have won four football games, something
that hasn’t been done around hero in Gowvallis since 1971. and I
don’t think that we are four wins good.
iXtiat mi
With Ditch Me Person
•The Ducklings have a good quarterback who can throw the
ball on a dime to any of his fleet, sure-handed receivers, while we
have a guy who can hardly throw the ball two yards, much less ac
curately. The Meager* move the hall by throwing 67 passes a game
while, and hoping for a lucky niissed-tackle to go anywhere past
the line of scrimmage. I mean the Heavers will probably not get any
of those "big plays" Saturday.
• We have these goll-darned transfers that can't make it at any
other school. so they decide that they have to come here to Moo U.
to play footluill. and hoy can they play football. I mean those guys
have really come together as a team, boy can they make the big
plays. Think about it. we have scored more than one touchdown
twice this season, and one of those times was against that footluill
factory — Boise State University.
•After an intense five-month search we end up with a football
coach that was the head janitor at Middle Idaho Community Col
lege two seasons ago. Hoy are we lucky to have him though,
because he has led us to mem* wins (six) in two years than we got in
all of the five years previous to this one.
• I say that why do we have this stupid game anyway, when we
could have a cow-dung throwing contest instead? I mean we could
really kill those mean Ducklings in a Cow Dung throwing contest.
Hut really the bottom line to ine is why do we have this game,
anyway? I mean we are going to lose, but I don't really care though
because I will lie in the press box getting stinking drunk anyway.
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Jersey
MOO-bred horse takes over team
By I’ll Belch
Of the h tner*Id
Saving its best kept secret for last, head fixttball coach
Knave Decpsack unleashed the Moo U horse. Jersey;
the latest aid to blitzing the other team s quarterback
since the invention of the nose guard
"Barb wire, corrals, even our own offensive line, this
horse will go anywhere,” Decpsack said. "We're get
ting back to the basics here. It's called using the en
vironment to your advantage
Jersey, rescued by the People for the Integration of
Animals in Athletics, faced certain unpleasantries by the
cold and probing hands of University researchers.
“Jersey has a lot to offer the team. She has a bit of a
distemper problem but that is more than offset by her
competitive spirit; she is an inspiration for the team,"
Decpsack said.
“I'd like to think she's (Jersey) got a little bit of me in
her." said biology Professor Constance Motion, who
claims to have overseen the conception of Jersey in the
biology department's now defunct equine experimenta
tion laboratory more than four years ago.
"Hell. I heard a horse led to the fall of Troy, so it
ought to do a number on the Ducks too," Decpsack
said.
For the defensive line, Jersey comes as a welcome
relief for the Meagers after last week's pummeling in
the hands of Big and Young University.
"There is a lot to say about the psychological effects a
team goes through with a change in routine. We beat the
Cougars didn't we&. 1 hope oT Jersey will give the boys
the confidence they need to win two in a row.” Deep
sack said.
“I like to think of her as “the Boss," said OSH
quarterback Arid Wheatfield, eyes aflame with com
petitiveness. "I’d liked it better when it was a one-man
show, but what can I do now. You do it Jersey's way or
you get a horn jabbed up your ass,” he said.
"We get more chances to score now." he added.
More than just an inspiration, the 4-foot-8-inch Jersey
weighs more than the entire Duck defensive line (1,750
pounds). While not the fastest in the 40-yard dash
(10.4), Jersey has momentum on her side.
"You should see her rush the offensive line with a
pheromone-doused pigskin in play, not that we would
ever stoop to such extremes." Deepsack said. Other
features include:
•Dew lap padding Dewlap is the first point of contact
with the offensive line, which has a texture similar to
that of a security blanket. Described by some as the lull
before the storm.
•. Reinforced forehead Any fix>tball player must
have a thick head.
•Sole. Likewise, any football player must have stile.
•Milk well The team never goes thirsty.
Golum and Urine place bets on ‘big game’
By Dodd Bendoverson
Of I hr Hurrmrlrf
There is always some heavy helling going on in these here
parts, hut boy this one lakes the whole slop bucket of crayfish.
I'm a idlin' ya.
Hang on to your skirts hussies, 'cause the Presidents of
University of Whoregon and Moo U. have placed their wagers
on this weekend's Chivalry War game
Yawn Urine has offered Paul Golum a Sunday soaking in a
tub of sheep dung, a Sunday tradition for hundreds of years in
the Urine family, in the highly unlikely event that Moo U.
wins.
"I surely do believe our Mergers can do it," said Urine
"But if not. I'm surely going to be hospitable to Mr Golum.
Those sinkings sure sound bad. but they have made Mrs.
Urine’s skin so beautiful the last couple of years," he said
"I’m tellin’ ya. that Mrs, Urine can still chew my cud." he
added
Ah Yawn, don’t cmharass the misxuss.
Anyways. Golum matched the bet by offering the Urine
family a vegetable nut patty barbecue in his backyard if hell
freezes over Ooops. I mean if the Meagers win.
"I know we re going to win. because I don't have a barbe
que. And I hate that vegetarian crap." said Golum
The sparks are already flying between these two high
wheelers. Apparently. Golum isn’t taking to kindly to the
Unne family tradition.
“Who wants to go wading in a tub of shit with a hunch of
Urines," said Golum. "And besides. Mrs. Urine is as ugly as
the sheep that created that crap. Ugly boy! Did you get that
down," he growled.
That's a quote. My. oh my.
But Urine took those comments to heart, by golly.
"Why Mr Golum can take that dome idea and build over his
mouth I better get home to comfort the poor missuss. She is
sure gonna be pissed (no pun intended). 1 hope 1 can still go to
the game. Darn that Paul,” he replied before hurrying off.
Classifieds
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MM MMM M MM Mr M« l*M«l
• *» —* —» ■ »—
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THIS IS A DISCLAIMER' ‘u* edition at the
BuremeW'r i* prtwnted lo you by the
Oregon Daily Emerald, the only reel cam
pus newspafwr m this state We would ilk#
to thank the Barometer stall lot making this
sixth edition o! the Ham-meter the easiest
one to do yet I mean we need something
tunny to parody every year and this year
there was an over abundance oI bumble*
and ust plain stupid mistakes that made our
»ob that much easier. So thanks again, and
keep those CIA visits short and those UP1
wire stories rolling, because we love s Quud
>oke.
mill ili