Photo* b> Muller Hair,
Surprise, surprise!!
It’s been a long, tough year for Pres. Bobo Me Pricker, football coach Joe Avocado and
Athletic Director Flee Android. But the trio have managed to liven things up (and avoid pissed
off Moo 1). football fans) by adopting various disguises over the year. They have ranged from
posing as a reggae-rastafarian band to guest greeters at Disneyland. Can you tell who is who?
J
I’m mad as hell and I can’t take it anymore
by BAURA BAA-BAA
of the Baremeter
In recent Baremeter issues this year. I have
loyally followed the Meager Beaver football
team. And after the Stanford game I was almost
ready to give coach Joe Avocado a big fat juicy
kiss, but I was too busy taking advantage of the
only chance in my life to tear down the goal posts
after a Pac-10 win by the Meager Beavers.
But two weeks ago against the Cougars of
Washington State. I broke down and cried
alligator tears. It was the most emotional loss I
have ever endured as a Meager Beaver faithless
(and I've endured a lot in the past five
years—we've lost 49 out of 54 games in that
stretch).
The score of 27-9 will forever be etched in my
mind This was probably the only chance in my
Beaver career that the football team could have
won two straight football games against someone
other than Portland State or Corvallis High
School. Could you believe it, two straight Rose
Bowl, here we come
But no. Avocado has to go out and lead the
Meager ones to a dismal loss and I am left in an
ocean of crocodile tears. I an no fairweather fan,
mind you. but losing to Washington State in front
of 10 people on regional television was just too
much for me to handle I just had to write my
first negative column on Beaver football,
although my fingers don't want me to commit
this dastardly deed
So what's wrong with the Bcavs?
First, the Meager Beaver passing game should
be permanently grounded by Federal Aviation
Administration officials for being unfit to fly I
think my grandmother could have thrown better
passes than Laddy MeMuffin. the Beavers pen
nyback. I think of Laddy ought to stick to play
ing with cow chips rather than throwing footballs
into Row 3. Section 10.
Second (or was th st third), the Beaver running
game wait a minute, what running game? Any
team that has to let a guy with the last name of
Beavers run the ball should ! be allowed to win
football games. Hell, my 3-ycar-old brother
Mikey could run faster than Barely Ogling.
Finally, and painfully. I have to write about the
defense. What was out there this season looked
more like a slab of Swiss Cheese than a defense
My spastic sister has fewer holes in her nylons
than the Bcavs have in their defense.
Man. there were so many holes in the Meager
Beaver defense that WSU quarterback Little
Ricky the T could have run with the football the
entire 60 minutes and never been touched (except
when he went to the OSU public restroom in
Parker Stadium).
I know injuries have hurt the Bcavs and I also
know that tradition isn't exactly good, but
couldn't we win just two games in a row while I
am still young enough to enjoy it. Sure we beat
Ponland Stale, but our volleyball team beat them
in football.
So I have devised a solution to the problems
Chippers looking for foes
Well, if the chip fits, throw it. Meager
Beaver farmers like to say
But now. more than farmers will be throw
ing cow chips. Meager Beaver Athletic
Dircctor Flee Android has announced that the
Meags will have an Ultimate Cow Chip team
this year
"It's about time." said Android "Do you
realize how many smelly people in this town
spend their time throwing cow chips?"
The nest step for the Ultimate Chippcrs is
Tinding a team to play The cow farmers
reportedly appealed to University of Born
Again Apathetic Corrector Sick Bay for a
game against the Ducks
•'Wrong©." said Bay "Our guy* throw
frisbee*. and it just wouldn't be fair to have to
4
throw cow chips, 'cause those guys would
have an advantage 1 mean, tell me / could
throw a cow chip better than Android the
Bumpkin .
With the Sucks (er. Ducks) probably out of
the running as an opponent, the Mcags have
asked the town of Albany, voted the nation's
stinkiest place for the 20th year in a row. to
consider a game
"I'm just honored that those guys asked us
for a game." said Albany Mayor Floyd R.
Stench. "That would be two teams really
stinking it up and chipping up a storm. Icmme
tell ya."
But the Mcags arc still broking tor more op
ponents You know the saying with chips —
you can t throw just one.
Photo h\ Von Achoo
Meager Beaver fans took heed from this year’s promotional battlecry and descended on coach
Joe Avocado and his wife like a bunch of “Black Bandits” after Moo U.’s latest loss.
lhai bcsci our bcblubbered Beavers.
We will join the Skyline League, the Class B
high school football league just up the road that
plays eight-man football But just to ensure that
we win more than once a year. I think we should
petition the league to allow us to play with 11
players (while everyone else plays with eight).
Imagine going against the likes of Valsctz.
Detroii. Falls City. and the Oregon Slate School
lor the Deaf. They got linemen in that league that
weigh 140 pounds.
Holy hozanna. We could clean up. 1 mean that.
We could clean the stadium after every game and
make extra bucks for Moo U. So what if we don't
win.
Why break tradition?
Joe turns deaf ear to Moo U.
It's shocking folks, but it's
true — Meager Beaver Bottom
Ten Coach Joe Avocado has
announced that he will leave
the Meags immediately to ac
cept the head coaching position
at the Oregon State School for
the Deaf, a Class B high school
near Salem.
"I just can't understand it."
says Mcag Pres. Bobo Mac
Pricker with a shake of his
cow. “The guy was stinkin' up
the joint and making 4S grand a
year — and he still had a job.
Why would he quit?"
But Avocado quieted critics
quK'kly: “Look, you guys
make things so complicated. I
just want some peace and
quiet.”
Athletic Director of the Deaf
School. Ike N. Hear, asked
about the coaching move,
replied. •'What?"
It dkl seem odd that Avocado
would leave OSU after such a
fantastic season. After all. his
Meags had defeated Stanford
weeks ago to avoid a No. I slot
in the Bottom Ten.
"Yeah, but my grandmother
could beat Stanford," says
Avocado, whose grandmother
is Nebraska running back Mike
Rozier.
1
Asked why he would take a
pay cut to switch coaching
positions. Avocado snapped.
"It's simple. My other team
sucked — but I had to put up or
shut up. With these new guys, I
can walk up to them and tell
them they suck right to their
face, and they won't even know
it.
"Plus, here I can be a big
fish in a little pond, whereas at
Moo U. I was a dinky fish in a
backwater cesspool." says
Avezanno. "It seems perfectly
obvious to me which school I
would choose. Money isn't
everything, after all. "