Joe Blow, vice-president of Students for Bestiality, says Brazilian cockatoos are his favorite form of recreation.
New fad hits Moo U. campus
By BLESS ERNIE
of the Baremeter
A new organization. Students
for Beastiality. is the new sensa
tion at Moo U. since its first
meeting Wednesday. Over
7.000 men attended the first
meeting.
The goals of the group are to
"open people's minds to new
experiences — namely, intimate
relations with animals." says II
ike Dawgs. who was elected
president of the group at the
meeting.
"Many people seem to think
there is something socially unac
ceptable about sex with animals.
We. here at COWvallis.
disagree As the attendance at
the first meeting shows, there is
a need for this kind of a group,"
says Dawg.
"It is always difficult for peo
ple involved in a new movement
to get accepted. Innovations do
not come easily to Americans.
People must learn to accept us.
even if they do not want to join
in the fun.” says Dawgs.
The group plans to ask tor
funding thrtnigh the ASSOSU
and members feel sure that they
will receive at least $50,000 and
an office in the primate lab.
No women showed up at the
meeting. which Dawgs at
tributes to the inhibitions of
women and their inability to
"let it all hang out” like men
do.
"Women just don't talk about
this kind of thing. Ya Know, it
is sort of like moustaches. It just
isn't done.” says Dawgs.
Internal disputes have already
flared up between members of
the group. At the first meeting,
fighting developed among the
men that preferred sheep, cows
and Brazilian cockatoos.
"I don't understand the pro
blem myself.” says Dawgs.
“There are advantages to all
animals. Why not just go with
the flow?
Sperm thief caught bare-handed
Campus police allegedly ar
rested Father Jack Imhoff. the
lowlife scumbag who committed
the crime. Tuesday in front of
the campus branch of the
Citizen's Cooperative Donated
Bull Sperm Bank
Imhoff. who admits to being a
degenerate, a jerk and mentally
deficient and who is carrying a
3.8 GPA here, viciously
assaulted the bank's plate-glass
window with a large cow chip to
gain entrance.
Imhoff. the alleged suspect ac
cording to police, first tried to
breach the bank's security
system by breaking the code of
the bank's 24-ht>ur teller in front
of the building He tried to
match a sample on file with one
of his own.
Officers arriving at the scene
caught Imhoff. who admitted to
being sexually aroused and wat
ching Lavcrnc and Shirley
reruns, barehanded, police
allegedly say.
Most rational people here are
not surprised at the pervert Im
hoffs actions, according to un
named sources that the
Barenietcr has never met But
some shit-fi>r-brains are surpris
Moo U. picks queen
Meet Blossom. Moo U's homecoming queen for 198.1. Full
Nxiicd. firm, lactating We think we'll keep her
Blossom, a spotted guernsey, was chosen for more than her
beauty. though, according to Moo U. Pres Bobo MacPrickcr.
"That darn cow's got the finest set of teats I done seen in my
many years spent ogling them cows in our school's barns.
Well. Blossom does have some udderly impressive attributes
But hold your horns, fellas Rumor around Blossom's ham is
that the bashful bovine's got a bullish beau
Keeping in hoof with the '80s. though, this cow's got career
goals, too. Once she graduates from Moo U with a degree in
Bovine Studies. Blossom's guaranteed a job in daddy bull's Cow
Pic Manufacturing Co
Blossom' s Crappa Crappa Dunga sorority sisters says
Blossom will be perfect for the future job as vice president of pro
duct ion In their words. "She's full of shit
Blossom, we think you're the prefect student to represent Mtio
U. Keep up the good work
Benny reveals identity
Benny the Beaver. Moo U.'s merry mascot, is a she
That startling fact came to light last Saturday in Tern pc Ariz .
when Benny — er. Benita — gave birth to a Inter of baby bcavs
Moo U. officials kept the whole incident hushed up the past
week because they didn't want to detract from fan interest in the
Meager Beaver football team
But when Moo U officials realized there is no interest in the
football Beavs. they decided to spill the bcavs. »o to speak
So who is the happy father ’
"Mr Ducks and I are planning on getting married at halftime
of the Beaver Duck game this weekend." said Benita. referring to
the Duck U mascot
"You know. Mr Duck has. more oomph in hi* little finger
than the whole Moo U. football team combined sighed Benita
9
cd at his actions.
**I'm surprised, real surpris
ed. just surprised.” said Im- g
Hoff's alleged landlord.
The landlord, who lives at 777
Flytail Lt»op and prefers his
sissy. Communist-like name not
be printed, will probably be in
vestigated as a pervert and Boy
Scout leader, someone said.
Imhoff. a fairy and momma's
boy. said he did it to get even
with Pres. Reagan, his parents
and actress Lassie.
Lassie reportedly repeatedly
turns down ImhofPs offers for
marriage.
Police say the alleged suspect
may have been oul of the c«»un
try at the time of the crime.
The suspected pervert
Fraternity follies
Ph»*«» b\ Rjik1\ Huntilchcrvm
Members of I Phelu Thi and Tappa Kcfip CMy faced off in the finals of the all-fraternity drink-off last night. The guys from I
ptieha Thi won the wood alcohol drinking contest, consuming their gallon of alcohol in less than a minute each. Unfortunately,
ad participants were struck with a strange malady — their hair suddenly grew short.
The Dailv Barometer
Campus
Women’s crew does drugs
COWVALLIS (ODE) — The Moo U women's crew team
has been charged this week with steroid use.
Nancy Amazon, head coach, denied the accusation.
"Why. my girls got all the grace and charm of any
debutante." Amazon growled. "Now get outta my way before I
bust your face."
However, urinalysis tests Thursday confirmed the charges.
According to the report, the women had “more testosterone in
their systems than the entire men's football team."
"My girls are just well-developed." Amazon grumbled.
"Can we help it if the Meager Beavers are wimps?"
A related report charges that the women are also
moonlighting as the defensive line for the Meager Beavers. Accor
ding to sources, they kidnapped the real* squad and are holding
them captive in the crew muscle clinic. Armed guards have been
noticed protecting the area around the river.
"False, false, all false." Amazon barked "But if I did let my
girls play football, they'd be drafted in the first round "
Investigations arc continuing.
Corps dumps dippy sheep
A SHEEP'S PEN (ODE) — A matter has been brought to the
attention of the Baremeter staff regarding the Reservoir of Offal
Training Corps" discrimination against homosexual sheep.
"I didn't want to thay anything, but i juth can't live with
mythelf any longer," a distraught sheep, who withed to remain
anonymouth, fithped.
"I juth don't know what they'd thay if they knew," the sheep
thaid
The complaint stems from ROTC’s refusal under government
laws to allow any homosexuals in the program.
Major Stud MacArthur denied, of course, any wrong-doing on
the part of the military.
"This is one tough organization." Big Mac. as his troops call
him. said as he and his beer-belly lumbered towards his desk.
"Our recruits have to be in A-1 condition, fit. lean and strong
wristed. We ain't got room for no sissies, and we ain't got time for
playing around with pansies."
However, the sheep thaid that the ROTC has had the room and
the time for years and just didn't know it.
"There'th more of uth in there than they think." the sheep
giggled.
In response to that accusation. Big Mac yelled "Sheepshit!"
and asked this reporter, for a date.
Bovines blast frat frollicking
THE RIGHT SOLE (ODE) - The B A (Bovine Alliance) to
day filed another complaint with the Interfarternity Council.
Harriet Heifer, spokescow for the alliance, says that she'd
"had it up to my kiester" with practical jokes.
"It seems that fartemity boys like to get all lickered up on
weekends.". Heifer says. "Then they come exit into the pastures
and sneak up on all us poor, unsuspecting, sleeping cows and ram
us in our tender sides "
The cows then fall over, shuddering in pain while they squirm
and Hop on the grass. Meanwhile, those fraternity kids are Hopp
ing around in hysterical laughter, she says.
And the B.A. vows revenge.
"If they knock me over just one more time I'm going to plant
my rear h<x>f firmly in an area they won't soon forget." Heifer
says. "They better best forget any family plans they might have
had."
The Interfarternity Council denys all the charges.
"Why we'd never do nothing like that." squeaks Biff Buckley
Jr., IFC president.
j