Forecast: Joe Avezzano will be
Tired. Oregon State will lose the
Civil War game 24-13 to
Oregon, and for the third year in
a row. the Emerald will face the
Barometer.
Wednesday
University of Oregon, Eugene, Oregon
Vol. LXXXIV No.3
November 16,1983
ROTC turns library into aun ranae
By FRANKS ’N’ RAGUSAUCE
of the Baremeter
Students arc getting fired up
about the rifle range location at
Moo U.
Apparently, some students
are intimidated by the rifle
range, located on the second
floor of the library, which is us
ed by the ROTC program. It
seems that students unfamiliar
with the use of the library have
been slow to dodge rifle fire
when target practice starts.
"1 was so shocked the first
time I went to the library to
study." said one senior who
asked not to be identified for
fear of retribution. "I was gaz
ing off into space, considering
starting my term project that
was due the next day when
BANG — I thought it was a
nuclear holocaust."
So far. there are 72 dead and
108 injured.
"In the interests of our na
tional defense, I don’t think the
casualty rate is that bad." said
Lettme Kyll, director of the
Moo U. Reservoir of Offal
Training Corps' program. “We
must keep the world safe from
Commies and I think that what
we are doing here is vital to our
national security. I think most
r
Reservoir of Offal Training Corps cadets can’t understand why Moo U. students are objecting to the use of the library as a rifle range.
students agree with the need. It
is just a few troublemakers —
pinko creeps — that don't want
us to practice."
Kyll said the losses were slim
compared with the 239 U.S.
Marines that have been killed so
far in Lebanon. He admits the
rifle range is not as successful;
1
holding down losses as the re
cent invasion of Grenada,
where only 18 Marines were
killed, but after all. “we are on
ly the ROTC, not the Marines.”
However, the ASSOSU has
been attacking the practice,
asserting the need to stand up
for the rights of the minority of
students who want to use the
library to study.
"We must hold up the rights
of these victims of society.”
said ASSOSU Pres. Noe Brayn.
"Some people actually want to
study in the library. I don't
understand why. but it is our
place as the ASSOSU to raise
the consciousness of the campus
to this kind of oppression."
The ASSOSU has come up
with several solutions, but one
idea seems to be gaining
popular support. They sug
gested moving the location, of
the rifle range to Parker
Stadium, at least for Saturday
afternoons during Meager
Beaver football games.
“I think it would be an incen
tive for our team to become
quicker and make more
tackles." said head football
coach Joe Avocado. "Players
would want any excuse to hit the
turf."
Drugs, anyone?
«**> by Pill R. Pain
After six months of taking steroids, Moo U. women’s
crew team members say they have noticed no physical side
effects except for an increase in muscle mass.
Pres. MacPricker abdicates
By KNEEL SWOLLEN
of the Baremeter
Moo U. Pres. Bobo Mac
Pricker has resigned.
MacPricker gave no im
mediate reason for his
resignation.
But rumors are rampant — and
the Baremeter is the paper to
print them.
According to sources close
(very close) to the almost-ex
president. MacPricker left for
■'personal reasons." Those
reasons are probably as close as
Meager Beaver coach Joe
Avocado's bedroom — and his
wife Susan "Boom Boom"
Avocado.
Apparently. Mrs. Avocado
and McPricker have been "curl
ing up between the sheets" with
each other for some time.
Baremeter sources say that
Mrs. Avocado has been "ripe”
for an affair ever since the
Beavers showed just how
meager they are on the field.
The losses have left Avocado as
meager in bed as his Beavers are
on the field, the sources say.
■'This is a common
phenomenon among losing foot
ball coaches." says Sicmund
Fraud, a noted Moo U.
psychology professor. "When
the losses start to mount up.
many losing coaches find
themselves unable to maintain an
Photo hy Mrs O'Meara's Cow
Moo U. football coach Joe Avocado threatens Pres. Bobo Mac Pricker with a chain saw after fin
ding him lunching on Susan “Be am Boom" Avocado.
erection. They are so hard on the
team that they just can't get hard
when they get home."
Sources within MacPricker's
office say the Moo U. president
plans to move to Rajneeshpuram
after leaving Cowvallis.
"It's awfully hard on Mr.
MacPricker to have to leave
Cowvallis.” said the source. “"1
mean, he's never been good at
dieting, and we all know what a
fattening dish Boom Boom is.”
But MacPricker decided to
leave after the Meager Beaver
football coach threatened to
change MacPricker's name to
MacStub — using a chain saw.
Mrs. Avocado, MacPricker
and Avocado had no comment
for the record, although they
said many slimy things too
disgusting to print even in the
Baremeter.
Cowvallis faces disincorporation
By ANTONIO INYOENDO
of the Barometer
Once he's through with Rajneeshpuram. Postmaster General Dave
Quagmayer said Tuesday he will set his disincorporation sights on
Cowvallis, which everyone has suspected all along is a "sister city"
of the eastern Oregon religious community.
"Who cares?,” queried Quagmayer from his Salem office, when
reporters pressed him first for hard evidence and then for the
cocktail sandwiches he'd promised. "It's a worthless cow town —
why would anyone want to live there anyway?”
Quagmayer said he first discovered a connection between the two
communities while watching the Meager Beavers lose their ump
teenth game to Lowly University.
"Distracted by the Lowly play. I focused on the Meager Beaver
uniforms, which are orange. Moo U. orange, as you know, is a thin
ly veiled hybrid of Rajneeshee red.
"Then I remembered that cows, so revered in Cowvallis. are
sacred in the Rajneeshec's native land.
Duck U. football coach Imrich Crooks, when contacted at his
bookie’s house Tuesday, expressed dismay at the prospect of losing
Moo U. as an opponent.
"They're the only team we can beat." he said.
Allegedly. Eugene and Duck U. officials have grudgingly given
their approval to a Quagmayer plan to have the southern Wiiiamette
valley city and Duck U. annex in Cowvallis and Moo U.
"Sure, we'd probably do it." said Duck U. Pres. Paul Hohum.
who asked not to be identified.