I Coordinator:
Advertising Manager:
Production Manager:
Production:
f
Photo Technician:
Cort Fernald
Darlene Gore
Victoria Koch
Cindy Hanson
Michael Morrow
Angela Allen
Ginger Barnes
Mark Pynes
fH
bmE&‘
ASUO president C.J. Balfe looks forward to
this year with his goals clearly in sight. His goal
of getting more students involved with ASUO
is already on the way to realization A greater
number of students have volunteered to par
ticipate in ASUO this year than in years past
16
The Interfraternity Council reports that this
year's ‘‘rush’’ will be dry — which is to say
temperate Nonetheless, the Greeks are gear
ing up for 600 potential recruits.
The University Bookstore, page
4, does its briskest business in the
fall quarter, even though a text
restocking fee is to be charged
this year. Student fees have been
used to hire a lawyer specifically
as Legal Aid, page 5, for students
i'
caught in bind with the law
Students with families can use
one of the five Centers, page 14,
for their child care needs Finding
a job is made easier with Dual
Programs, page 19. being offered
by the state and the University
cort fernald
hitchhikers guide to EMU
Somewhere in
the ilt-conceived
regions of a wes
tern constellation
known as Univer
sity is the world
called EMU EMU
is an other-side
of-the-tracks
type world cater
ing to the sensual
peccadillos of its
people EMU has
the digestibles and intangibles they all
crave.
This is the story of Artie Bent, extra
terrestrial gumshoe who one day found
himself stranded in EMU. For Artie Bent,
being stranded in EMU was only an ang
strom better than spending a day in Elko,
Nevada Every day in EMU is like wearing
yellow on Thursday — which is to say
queer
The people of EMU are carbon-based
bipedal organisms without feathers
They all wear LCD watches and aren’t
mean so much as bookish and dazed
EMU itself is a sprawling affair con
sisting of a number of differing forma
tions that have collided over the years to
form Escher-like levels
Artie Bent woke on ground zero of
EMU He wandered into a place called
the Rec Center and saw the EMUeans
competing at strange games like bowling
and billiards
The oddest sight Bent saw was in a
room with brightly painted box-like ma
chines with flashing lights and bright
paints EMUeans blinked at screens and
spasmonically fingered levers and but
tons. They decided the fate of non-exis
tent worlds for the wager of a mere circle
of silver sandwiched between bronze
alloy
In a wing of ground zero Bent came
upon a subcult Known as Azuowe, led by
their impeccably coiffed president
3-C-J-Ace-U-O.
The Azuowe perform rites known as
MEMO MEMO rites consist of scribbling
on pieces of paper which are passed
from one to the other with much grave
nodding of heads
Also on ground zero are the extremely
functional units called Crafts Center,
PLUS, the Child Care Center, the Cultur
al Forum and Off-Campus Housing.
But Bent was searching for the
Skylight Refectory where he might find
either nirvana or a pan galactic esopho
blast
Bent slouched up the stairs to the main
floor and there found a sprawling ex
panse of lounges and eateries.
He was greck-out-of-luck at a mun
charama called the Fishbowl. He
purchased something reasonably edible
and tried to pay with Aldairian dollars
But the cashier wouldn’t take, the cur
rency — even though the dollars were
still warm. The cashier suggested Bent
try the nearby Fountain Court Cafe
Bent clawed his scaly brow in bewil
derment.
The heart of EMU was Main Desk At
Main Desk EMUees can have film
developed, buy concert tickets, pay utili
ty bills, buy Greyhound bus tickets, place
an ad with the Emerald and cash a
check. Main Desk had everything from
newspapers and magazines to candy
and condoms.
On the third level of EMU was SEAR
CH. ESCAPE and groups such as
Women's Referral and Resource and
legal services. After wandering through
Continued on page 17
'i
0 VINO'S B
SPOGHEVVI
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1
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Sat. 5 p.m.-1a.m.
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342-8111
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