emerald
platform
When I came out of PLC the air was thick with projectiles.
They were coming in out of the sun. I could hear them buzzing by
my head. I dived tor cover behind a strange yellow configuration.
I tried to lie flat to the ground but my buttons kept getting in the
way.
cort fernald
sidelong glances
The barrage let-up for a moment and I tightened the vinyl
chin strap of my pith helmet and hiked up my drooping safari
shorts. I had to make my break now — all-too-soon the sky would
open up and another hellish bombardment would rake the
campus
They call themselves Frisbee-golfers — ha! You can't fool
an old fool like me They aren't golfers these were the
dreaded Frisbee-assassins.
I could see them in their encampment, munching granola
and alfalfa sprouts, speaking in strange dialects about metric
weights, wrist action and "MTAs.” They appeared dia
bolical, bom from basement pods beneath the black satin
shimmer of a dark star. No doubt they were infidels intoxicated
on hashish in the garden of earthly delights, much like assassins
of yore.
I jumped from my statuary cover and dashed across the
field. I had to make it to EMU before 10 a m. to tell the editor what
tomorrow’s editorial would be about. But all-of-a-sudden they
commenced firing. I spied a tree 20 yards ahead If I didn’t make
it to that tree — I’d be deadmeat.
Dirt and tufts of grass exploded on either side of me as I
zig-zagged between the craters. I thought of page 2 without
me it’d be blank. Too many people would appreciate that.
“Hey, man,” one of the Frisbee-assassins shouted
“You’re on the fairway.”
Fairway my foot they were trying to lull me into a false
security. Oh, they are a clever race these Frisbeeans.
I crouched tow behind the tree and plotted my next move
EMU was in sight in the distance. I wiped the sweat from my
forehead and waited for the Frisbee-assassins to “play
through.” I was close enough to hear them scheming their next
moves.
“Now which tree’re we going for?”
“Not the first one on the left,” their leader laconically said,
“but, the second one on the right, just shy of the lamp post,
between the shrubbney.”
“Shrubbery.”
“Yeah whatever,” the leader said firing frisbee after
frisbee.
The wounded littered the sunny field, groaning and calling
out in the anguish of their pain.
“Jimmy Jimmy,” she sobbed. “I just got nailed by that
frisbee.”
"Hey, man,” Jimmy yelled. “Go play frisbee somewhere
else.”
This was my chance. I leaped out from behind the tree,
sprinting for the sanctuary of EMU. The incoming fire became
heavier. Civilians were dropping like flies from frisbee wounds.
One went down shuffling off this mortal coil, becoming bereft
of breath, joining the crowd invisible, bringing down the curtain
on this worldly stage. Books went flying as another student
bought the farm. They weren’t stunned, it was “big Casino” all
around me
It looked grim. I doubted my luck. Maybe my number was up
and I wouldn’t reach EMU unscathed. I thought of chocolate
chip cookies and the woman that lives about a mile away. My life
started to flash before my eyes. I fought back the images — there
was no sense compounding my present peril with boredom.
“Heads,” someone yelled behind me
Something thumped off my pith helmet — it really pithed me
off. I didn’t have time to stop running and see what it was. EMU,
the sanctuary, beckoned refuge from the frisbee-assassins
hellish volleys. I took the steps like a pregnant cat, two at a time
Reaching the second-floor balcony of EMU I breathlessly turned
back and surveyed the killing-floor gesturing a digit in salute to
my valiant foes.
“Great Caesar’s Ghost. Where the heck have you been,
Fernald?” the editor shouted.
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letters
Cheap shot
The surprise ballot question in
the general ASUO election
regarding the Oregon Daily
Emerald was an irresponsible,
irretevent, and stupid move by a
man who should know better
What was gained by ASUO Vice
President Gus Palmitessa’s am
bush opinion poll? Nothing but a
waste of student money
Palmitessa is a friend of mine,
so it is especially painful for me to
write these things But, as the
ASUO representative and chair
man of the ODE Board of Direc
tors, I must complain that Palmt
tessa has gone too far I am filing
election and student conduct
code complaints against Palmi
tessa I think he should be
removed from office and ordered
to pay for the wasted ink and
effort that went into his silly in
quiry
Moreover, Vice President Pal
mitessa has confused a very
complicated issue on this cam
pus: What is the fairest and most
efficient way to keep the ODE
independent of student govern
ment or administrative control? A
fee-supported subscription, in my
opinion, is trie best way to insure
independent student news. The
Emerald is not a private commer
cial newspaper of general
circulation. Single student sub
scription or sale is not econ
omically feasible
I agree with Paimitessa that this
issue needs discussion I have my
opinion; others may disagree But
to ask a vague question on a
surprise ballot without the benefit
of information smacks of a cheap
shot Graduating law students
should have better judgement
Jim Edmunton
Law
dane claussen
editor’s note
I didn't write a column when the Incidental Fee
Committee played rock music between goal
hearings, when it became obvious that most of the
EMU Board members don't know what they are
doing, or on how the Student University Affairs
Board has frequently lacked a quorum
And I have benignly sat through so many boring
meetings that reminded me of the Grand Lake,
Colo., Parks and Recreation Board
The ASUO elections kept me busy Whether this
year's elections were a newspaper editor's dream or
nightmare is still a question
The Emerald staff took the time and
all-too-precious space to publish an presidential
endorsement, to cover the elections as well as any
blanket could, and to congratulate C.J Balfe; but it
should not remain a secret why students could find
reasons to be apathetic and cynical about student
government
The bottom line is that elections including
immature candidates who don't know the meaning
of the word ethics or realism, questions about
elections administrators, and campaign rules viola
tions don’t lend credibility to student government or
make involvement desirable
Curiosity was my mood when only five students
filed for 37 positions with five days remaining in a
filing period lasting more than three weeks
I thought it humorous when one student — who
shall be nameless — filed for the ASUO presidency,
withdrew, and then filed for the Incidental Fee
Committee, only to withdraw again
However, at the end of the week there were 81
candidates for the 37 positions That's more than
have previously applied
I was bothered by the fact that voters would
have to choose among 35 candidates for a seven
member Incidental Fee Committee, that few of the
candidates had talked to incumbents, attended
appropriate meetings, and that even fewer were
smart enough to make effective use of the media or
campaign managers other than themselves
These were only a few of the things that made
the elections a farce Soon enough, the candidates
had inflicted upon it large numbers of alleged
campaign violations, senseless candidates sta
tements and candidates failing to show up for
forums
Then there was the ASUO presidential can
didate who did not want to be elected, an endor
sement and endorsement withdrawal, loads of the
bull’s leavings, and now a moot Elections Court
At this point I would comment on the surprise
opinion question regarding the Emerald appearing
on the ballot, except that I need to go put another
bandage on my back.
-staff
The Oregon Dally Emerald It published
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