emerald
platform
Getting squirrely
Those arrogant squirrels are back. Only the other day, as
I bent over to tie my shoe, one of the little perishers went
straight-up my trouser leg. He must’ve been famished I
looked a ridiculous sight hammering on the squirming lump
on my thigh and screaming in sheer terror. But you would
also — if in such peril.
cort fernald
sidelong glances
I finally shook the nasty beggar out my trouser leg He
gave me a surly look — spit over his shoulder — and scuttled
off with his tail high
“Same to you,” I muttered, confirming the wary glances
of passersby. They walked around me in a wide arc
The problem of arrogant squirrels plagued this humble
University last year — yes, at about the same time Old-timers
will recall the Yours section of the Emerald's Opinions page
containing letters damning the campus’ squirrel population
Something has to be done to take these conceited little
rodents down a peg or two. I’d be all for a “bunny-bash" style
round-up — or for leaping on the buggers with heavy-soled
boots and watch their beady eyes pop out — but these are
humane times and my inherent Darwinianism to kick-the
shit-out-of lower animals has to be leashed or curbed or just
channeled into a more — like, wow — more creative dhar
ma . ya’know?
The weather has also turned rather balmy — and Frisbee
golf is now in season. Seeing two “Frisbee linksters”
haggling over how to score a round, after the squirrel
mugging, made me think of alternative uses for that plastic
disc. Didn’t the Pentagon spend nearly $1 million to test the
Frisbee as a weapon? Didn’t they drop a thousand or so from
an airplane over White Sands? Why not use a Frisbee to hunt
these pestiferous rodents? To hell with Frisbee golf —
squirrel season is declared opened
Frisbee squirrel hunting is not a blood sport per se
Killing or maiming the squirrels is frowned upon Although
rendering them temporarily unconscious will earn slightly
more points than dazing the plague-ridden varmints, 5 and
7.5 points respectively.
The “sport” of Frisbee hunting can be played with as
many as four hunters, which does not include the “Frisbee
bearer.” The “Frisbee-bearer” must be white and a “Greek."
These are Oregon rules.
The properly attired squrriel hunter wears a khaki coat,
pith helmet, and green plaid polyester (scratch and sniff)
pants. For the ladies, a red plaid polyester (same material as
the green plaid) ankle length skirt with electric blue polka dot
blouse is the ultimate in rodent hunting apparel
The hunting party must stalk only campus squirrels
There’s a gang that hangs out in the trees around Johnson
Hall. It’s fitting, don’t ya think?
When a squirrel is spotted the “Frisbee-bearer” must
shout “Bwana, Izod Izod,” and go on point. At such time the
squirrel hunters may commence flinging Frisbees. Once the
despicable vermin has run the gauntlet points will be tallied
on the “Frisbee-bearer’s” calculator watch.
Scoring — in Frisbee hunting — is a rather simple matter
A hit is worth 10 points — 15 points if you nick the bugger on
the run. To hit a squirrel as it flees up a tree trunk is worth
another 10 points, while hitting the rodent on a tree limb is
also worth 15 points. Probably the most difficult shot is hitting
the varmint as it leaps from tree to tree. That’s worth a
whopping 25 points.
A couple rounds of Frisbee hunting should teach those
bubonic bastards who're the superior species.
Happy hunting, but please replace your divots. And
remember — if you can’t be good be better.
Cort Fernald is the Emerald’s editorial page editor.
'm. Son:g has no cbwent on the crisis other than to say w with mr Reagan ,
IVKASnERANP NSR. HESTON INYOU/ED, OUR TORSION R)UCY IS IN THE BEST OF HANDS.'
letters
Needless insult
Doug Sheldon, in his re
sponse (Feb 16) to Harry
Esteve's Emerald column (Feb
12) dealing with nuclear power,
calls for rational debate of nu
clear power Yet, nearly all he
does in his letter is needlessly
insult Esteve with statements
like “He mindlessly strings
together the words ” and
. Esteve s personal case of
garbage on the brain ”, and
strongly implies that Esteve has
lied Furthermore, Sheldon
does not back up his statements
concerning the “impressive
safety record of the nuclear
power industry”, and he cer
tainly doesn't even touch upon
one of the major points of
Esteve's column — that nuclear
power is rapidly becoming un
economic (e g at least one bil
lion dollars just to "clean up"
Three Mile Island!; let alone
Springfield Utility Board elec
trical bills) As to the "impres
sive safety record of the nuclear
power industry” — that is ir
relevant because even the pos
sibility of a major nuclear ac
cident occurring is unaccepta
ble — the magnitude of destruc
tion would be too great
Nevertheless, with regard to the
safety record, consider, for ex
ample, the numerous cases of
radioactivity leaking out of nu
clear waste storage sites into
the surrounding groundwaters
(or ocean) and ecosystems —
and we have hardly begun to
plan for the permanent storage
of the massive quantities of
these dangerous wastes Fur
thermore, the costs of safely
transporting and permanently
storing these wastes will be en
ormous (I refer the reader to the
New Yorker’s extensive article
(19 Oct. 1981) on nuclear
wastes) Consider Three Mile
Island But most of all, consider
the weapons which have been
produced with the by-products
of nuclear reactors If we ex
clude Hiroshima and Nagasaki
— which I suppose we logically
can since we didn't have a nu
clear power "industry" then —
then I suppose the safety record
is remarkably good No one has
yet been killed by the thousands
of nuclear missies which stand
ready to strike Impressive safe
ty record? Can nuclear power
be safe in human hands? I'd
rather leave nuclear power in
the hands of the sun and make
use of her offspring the wind,
waves, tides, and sunlight
Jeff Goddard
graduate, blololgy
PLUS
As a duly-elected member of
the IFC and, just incidentally, as
one of the 67 disabled students
on this campus, I believe that I
am eminently qualified to com
ment on Chester Faller's
remarks as reported in the
Emerald Feb 23
Falter claims that the IFC has
"destroyed" PLUS (The
Physically Limited Union of
Students) Faller is wrong Even
the dreaded IFC cannot destroy
something that does not exist
Faller contends that he ex
presses the thoughts and opin
ions, needs and desires of the
disabled populace of this
student body Guess again If
this were so, where were these
disabled students during
PLUS'S budget hearing? Why
weren't they there to support
Faller and his plea for the legal
fees that he claims they do
desperately want? Chester
came alone Not a letter arrived
to indicate solidarity So much
♦or the "union" portion of PLUS
I also take exception to
Faller's statement that "without
the lawsuit, there is no reason
for PLUS to exist " Chester
seems to have been stricken
with tunnel vision There is a
place for PLUS on this campus
The physically limited students
here need a resource and refer
ral office of some sort Faller
insists that none of the universi
ty's 67 disabled students will be
interested in keeping the PLUS
office open Off hand, I can
think of one who might give it a
shot
Cathl Bulone
IFC/ law school
Obese
Brenda Shea, your perceptive
letter (Feb 25) destroyed all my
illusions that Winston Churchill
was a brilliant statesman He
could not have been, since he
was obese At your urging
Brenda, I have fired off letters to
our legislators in Salem urging
them all to go on a diet
Moreover, I shall not judge fu
ture political candidates by their
party affiliation nor their stand
on particular issues Rather, my
vote will go to the candidate
with the lower percentage of
body fat
Pass another piece of cake,
please
John "Slim" Crowell
law
Opinion
Concerning Matt Meyer's
review of "Making Love" and
the ensuing letters: What does
Meyer think that he is doing
when he is writing a review —
stating an opinion?
Tom Senor
senior, philosophy
staff
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