Steve spatz / sidelines
Send in a play - the winner is...
Total Oregon touchdowns for the month of November — 0.
The Ducks have the ball, first-and-10 The center snaps the ball to
the quarterback who promptly punts Why?
"We don't want to give the Oregon offense more than one chance
to fumble, lose yardage, etc ," says J W and MS, anonymous
composers of one of the anonymous entries in the Emerald Sports'
"Send In a Play" contest
Out of all the entries received in the past two weeks, not one play
was serious That tells something about how Oregon fans are taking the
dismal season
Some of the craziest entries were also the best A well-known
ex-Duck player submitted a play calling for four quarterbacks on the
field at once "Somebody should be inspired to get the job done," he
writes
"The Statue of Puberty" was submitted by Randy Haines, who
suggested that the Ducks send in their "most pubescent, young,
inexperienced quarterback available — Danny McAlister "
The Ducks hava scored 108 points in 10 games; Clemson
scored 82 points In one game.
One of my favorites was the "Misdirection Blockers go right, and
the quarterback goes left The split end heads for the nearest phone
booth and dials 911 tor an ambulance to pick up the quarterback's
remains — "If they can find them."
The creator of "Misdirection" was Tim Kuhn, who also dreamed up
the winning play shown above right He titles it "Desideratum” —
meaning something needed or desired
"The play is useful for recruiting and cutting costs," writes Tim "It
informs potential recruits that they have a good chance of getting
considerable amounts of playing time It also eliminates the need to
have a band march through formations, thus eliminating costly
half-time shows ' ’
For his masterpiece, the Emerald is buying Tim two tree tick
ets to a basketball game
Total points this season — Opponents 230, Oregon 108.
One other entry that deserves mention was sent by Maurita Ryan,
who, informed sources reveal, is the girlfriend of Duck defensive
lineman Steve Johnson
"At the snap of the ball, each player will sprint to the enemy — the
"ODE sportswriter — and struck (sic) a punishing blow to his body
until it is mutilated "
After the offense is done with you, the defense is going to kick the
shit out of you, if their (sic) is any left to kick "
Maurita, you deserve a special prize — free tuition to the Darth
Vader Charm School
Tim Kuhn - Desideratum
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Maurita Ryan - Sportswriter Flicker
STEVE SPATZ
SPORTSWRITER
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