Mv mother wouldn’t like it„.
By CAROLINE PETRICH
Some of us may still hear our
parents' admonishments for us
ing the "F" word or for looking
slovenly at the dinner table But
let's face facts, the stuffy man
ners of yesteryears, like not
asking people's ages or not
chewing gum in public, really
don't apply to us collegiates
Emily Post and Amy Vander
bilt probably cry at their
heavenly place settings after
watching our generation Ms
Post tried to impress upon most
of our mothers the ‘ proper''
way to act in public.
Ladies, don’t chew gum
because it makes you look like
cows in the field
Gentlemen, remember to tip
your hat, even if it is only a
bicycling helmet
Nowadays, Congresswoman
Millicent Fenwick, who happens
to be in her 70s, smokes a pipe
I’m sure some women even
chew tobacco Most men don’t
wear hats, either Hah! How d’ya
like that one, Emily!?
Ms Post, in "The New Emily
Post Etiquette," published in
1922, but revised in 1975, does
give some advice valuable to all
of us How to accept an invita
tion from the White House
A most gracious guest of Mr
and Mrs Ronald Reagan might
be one of our own RCYB
members; we'll call ber
“Nancy " Her acceptance might
read something like this: Ms
Nancy accepts with pleasure
the kind invitation of President
and Mrs. Ronald Reagan for
dinner on May 1 at 8 p.m.
And Nancy, remember,
“'When you are invited to the
White House, you must arrive
several minutes at least before
the hour specified It is an un
pardonable breach of etiquette
not to be standing in the draw
ing room when the President
makes his entry "
Proper attire? Of course, the
occasion demands Black Tie
Don't wear red; you know how
Al Haig gets when he sees red
Conversation? Well, it might be
a good time to discuss socializ
ing the United States, but Ron
might choke if you bring up
"American imperialism." He
may think you’re talking about
an automobile
However, the most vital issue
Ron, Al and the good ole' boys
need to know is arresting nu
clear arms build-up But please
don't start screaming; it's very
rude Just show pictures of Hi
roshima victims, which may
prove very appetizing, in
between the entree and the
dessert
But for more common ap
pearances, Emily forgot to fill us
in Here are some unwritten
rules for people who really care
For example, button-up Levis
look better broken in This
"broken in" state covers a
broad area Faded button-ups
with no patches may be com
fortable for one but might be
stiff for another who prefers
holes and conspicuous
patches
Another unwritten rule con
cerns indulging in the "wicked"
weed While smoking a joint, in
public, it is best to pass it from
left to right, especially in these
conservative times
The ever-growing sexual
freedom poses some interesting
questions
Should a woman sleep with a
man on the first date? Some
would say, why not9 But what if,
after you reveal your intimate
side, he turns out to be a
scuz-ball? Or he's married? Or
he's gay? Or he's into group sex
and you're not9 Or he "whips it
good9”
What's a tactful way to tell him
to blow it out his ear? "Go to
Hell'" Nah, copping an attitude
doesn't always work Change
your phone number A pos
sibility. but Ms Bell might
charge for that mild alteration
Ahah! Start acting like a lady;
make him pay for all your meals,
open the doors, guard you from
vicious puddles Scold him for
not standing up when you walk
in the room Chances are he
won’t like these constrictive
rules and will split
I guess old-style manners
have their place after all
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To all of you beautiful people who have guided me through this
horrendous mess, my deepest gratitude I d be a quivering mass of
hysteria right now without you
Most especially
Max DeRungs, graphics EDITOR Marian Green and Emilie
Moreau, copy editors and moral supporters Annie Peterson,
production manager (and "part-time" copy editor) And finally, to
Hair Today, pardon my pounce See ya in the funny papers, cp
P S Hi Rachel and Sara1
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