Most rock musicians will roll their eyes and
shudder when you mention "showcase
nights." low-paying gigs that are taken to get
the band's name spread around The follow
ing is based on actual events that took place
this summer during my time playing guitar
and keyboards for a local band
Our Volkswagen van. fully loaded with five
people and half a ton of sound equipment,
finally swerved into the tavern's parking lot.
right next to the reeking garbage dumpster
Oh Gawd, what a dive' said our sound man
as he surveyed the place It was difficult to
find as it was coated with the dingy gray gunk
that covered all the buildings in the neigh
borhood. right next to the industrial district of
northwest Portland
Wriggling out from our perches on top of
monitor cabinets and under piles of micro
phone stands, we started unloading My
dreams of a ballroom filled with mobs of
happy dancers started fading when the
drummer who had an amazing ability to be
totally wrong about
any subject, promptly
said. "I think it's a
strong possibility
we'll really pack em
in tonight I rolled my
eyes and hefted a
speaker into the
tavern
It's difficult enough
to weave between
tables in an unfamiliar
bar while carrying a
huge speaker but
when the lights are
dimmed to their
lowest level, the job
becomes almost im
possible Somehow I
managed to crash in
to a couple of chairs
and a table full of
empty glasses before I finally figured out
where the stage was My wife, who drove up
separately didn't fare much better She fol
lowed the drummer halfway into the men's
restroom
After our eyes became accustomed to the
light (or the lack of it) we got a good look at
our surroundings What s that white thing in
the corner? Is that a huge rat or what?"
asked the bass player We grabbed our
guitars, ready to beat the thing to death if it
attacked A white bunny, the bar's pet.
hopped out into the light Everyone at the bar
laughed
The walls of the room were covered by the
works of an obviously amateur artist Oil
paintings and charcoal etchings stared at us
from every corner, and the subject was
always the same an emaciated nude female
in various poses Directly behind my spot on
stage hung a portrait of a woman with hol
lowed cheeks and skin that barely clung to
her ribs, stretched into a position that would
be fatal for most people I felt myself blushing,
although I knew no one could tell
I asked the tavern owner if we might take
them down temporarily He said he d rather
not. as they were done by his daughter and
he was rather proud of them He asked if they
the view from
the other
side of the
mike
by matt meyer
offended me Trying to hide another blush, I
mumbled something about mixing two art
forms, and slunk behind an amp
Soon the stage was pretty well set up
While assembling the electric piano, I decid
ed to put in all the bracing instead of just the
essential pieces I normally used I wanted to
make it as solid as possible, just in case the
crowd got too rowdy By now my dream had
changed from a huge mob to about 30
dancing couples, all smiling and enjoying
themselves Without throwing beer bottles.
We plugged in all the mikes and energized
the System for a trial run We were instantly
surrounded by the sound of a twenty-story
beehive The sound man snuck off to gei a
much-needed beer, and the rest of us car
efully analyzed the situation
While we spent the better part of on hour
plugging and unplugging everything, an ob
noxious drunk we named The Jerk suggested
that maybe the hum was because the guitars
were out of tune We
finally noticed that
the hum grew louder
every time someone
started playing a vid
eo game After
stretching a ratty
extension cord
across the bar. the
System was fixed We
calmed ourselves and
settled down to do a
sound check (and fix
everything we’d
messed up searching
for the buzz)
My brother was his
normal pre-concert
image of calmness
"OK. OK. everyone
got their song lists7
Hey, where's my
guitar7 Where's my guitar7 We couldn't have
left it in Eugene, could we7 Oh, thanks,” he
said as his wife handed it to him 'OK, let's
make a quick check All the mikes working7
How's the sound out there7 Well, that'll do
Everyone all tuned up7 Extra guitar all set7
You have extra strings? All right, let's get
ready, we re on in five minutes ”
By the time we hit the stage, my dream had
been reduced to being satisfied with 20
people sitting around chatting quietly while
we played Instead, we were alone with a
solitary couple, the waitress and The Jerk
As usual, we ripped through the opening
song about twice as fast as we should have I
got up from the piano and got my guitar on for
the second tune Suddenly I realized what I'd
forgotten "Pssst, Dave,” I whispered My
brother whirled around, adrenalin coursing
through his veins "You got any extra guitar
picks7"
Horror froze his face as he reached into his
pocket and pulled out a wad of Kleenex and a
nickel I rummaged through my wallet while
my brother pretended to tune for five
minutes I found an old I D card and tore it
into small triangles Although I'd probably
break a few strings, it was better than noth
ing continued on page 7b
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