ooinion
Shocked? Well, that’s only half the humor
No apologies this year, gang.
Yes, we made a few mistakes in last year’s
issue. We tried to have some mindless fun, and
ended up being accused of sexism.
Well, if we’re gonna get our papers ripped off,
we’re gonna make it worth our while. Since there
are no shades of gray with the touchier elements
of the campus, we’re putting everything in black
and white.
Let's face it — there are a lot of assholes and
idiots out there. And we want to hear from them.
We want to hear from the Greeks, who only
put on charitable activities to rationalize their
student-subsidized fantasies of self-destruction.
We want to hear from certain athletic person
sez us
nel, whose code of ethics may be legal, but hardly
decent.
We especially want to hear from political
extremists, who think that making noise qualifies
as news, but not nuisance.
So we’re pushing their buttons, so to speak.
We hope we’re pushing yours, too. We want to
disturb you — to make you think about what
disturbs you. And tell us.
No, we don’t care if you laugh or not. This
year’s Immorald is not designed to be humorous —
it’s designed to provoke humor.
Read the letters to the editor during the next
few Weeks. You’ll see what we mean.
ken snork
even editors get blueballs
All of you people who come up to the Immor
ald and pester us are real assholes.
We don’t care about your trivial political
issues or your piddly-shit little projects. We like to
write about fires and protests and the latest ath
tic scandals. That’s exciting.
And being very busy people, we hate to waste
our time with you whimpering nincompoops who
tell us how “important” your twiddle is.
You tel! us we’re incompetent journalists if we
don’t do what you say. Then you go home and tell
everyone how fucked up the Immorald is. Well,
you’re just like the other 15,000 assholes who say
the same thing.
We know we can’t please anyone, so we don’t
try. We just try to do the best job as journalists that
we can. And we don’t expect you to understand.
We know you hate us, and we have to live with that
every day. We just want to be left alone so we can
do our jobs.
We make as many mistakes as any other
newspaper, but we always catch more shit. All you
frustrated geniuses point your boring, irrelevent
criticisms toward us because no one else on
campus will listen to you.
And if we spell your name wrong you want a
front-page correction with a written apology. All I
can say to you is, “Eat shit!”
You say “Well, if this was my newspaper,
I’d. . . ” Forget it. It ain’t your newspaper, and you
don’t know anything about how it works.
sez them
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OVER Your
sez you
Go ahead — have fun at others’ ex
pense. It makes no difference. Football
players will be raping women here long
after you've left.
You Know Who
Give me a fucking break.
Max Rijken
Oregon Legislature
You can be replaced by batteries, you
know.
Touchy Feminist Bitches
Hanging Out By Newspaper Drops
We understand you're on our side, but
we don’t think you're helping much.
Chester Falier
Director, ALERT
If we didn't get so much free front
page publicity in the Emerald, we'd really
be pissed at you.
All the Left-Wing Crazies
Outside the Fishbowl
If you think men’s hazing is terrible,
you should hear about the shit we get
into.
Pretty Cunts All in a Row
Alder Street
I’m so fucking rich that I don’t give a
damn what you say about me.
Aaron Jones
Jumpin’ at the Woodside
You promised you wouldn't tell.
Dave Eaton
ASUO President
greg flotsam
an opium den of one
Dear Mom and Dad,
Back in 1858, Bland Ozonehead was walking
down a street in Richmond, Virginia, when a
chained string of 35 blacks was forced through
the street by the whip and shouts of a swarthy man
in a broad-brimmed black hat.
“What's goin' on here, man?” Bland assailed
the varlet with that most unanswerable of rhetor
ical flourishes, the rhetorical question. “Don’t you
know that slavery is bad and shouldn’t be allowed
in a society where I, Bland Ozonehead, walk
through the streets bursting with sensitivity?”
“Get the hell out of my way!” The slave driver
cracked his whip across Bland’s face, then laid
into the slaves with extra relish. Bland ran for the
nearest alley, stinging from the cut across his
face, but proud of standing up for his principles.
"That guy was probably a Christian," he
thought.
Mom and Dad, the Christians haven’t
changed a bit since then. Even here at the Legis
lature, we reporters, defenders of truth, justice
and the ’60s, have to listen to them ranting and
raving about changing society their way. This kind
of attitude is understandable from people like you
who don’t understand how bad you have it in little
Oregon towns, but for people who have been to
Salem and even to Eugene to talk about bringing
their "Christian principles” into public forums is
perfectly ridiculous.
Hard as it is to believe for someone like myself
who has spent the last ten years in school and
working on a student newspaper, these people
can’t seem to realize that “All you need is love”
and a little “Purple Haze” to get through any
decade. They turn instead to Jesus. Everywhere
you look, they’re talking about their rights to have
their children taught what they want, about abor
tion, about the decay of the moral structure.
They’re taking over the country; they’re trying
to reinstitute slavery. Behind every bill and ballot
measure Jerry Garcia wouldn’t vote for, the faces
of Billy Graham and Pat Robertson lurk — can I
use their word? — evilly.
As Bland Ozonehead said more than a cen
tury ago, “Slavery is bad.” C’mon Christians, give
us a fucking break.