Econ department can’t take babies
By HARMONY TUNES
Of the Immorald
The University economics de
partment admitted Thursday that
although it has nothing against
professor Margaret Seconol, it is
unable to tolerate babies.
The statement came in re
sponse to a question asked during
the department’s weekly press
conference, held on the EMU ter
race.
'it’s true,” verified a masked
spokesman for the department.
“My conscience won't permit one
more day to pass without admit
ting that Seconol is a fine teacher
and could probably contribute
adequtely in research, if her
priorities were straight. But the
baby was the last straw.”
The tall, rather average-looking
speaker denied allegations that
the department had offered to fi
nance an abortion for Seconol
three months prior to its decision
to relegate her to the position of
GTF.
But the department was forced
to reconsider, when the GTFF in
formed them that Seconol was
over-qualified for membership.
"Damn students,” the spokes
man muttered. “Give them a title
and they think they have rights.”
Following several after-hours
meetings in an undisclosed room,
the department voted 6-5 to grant
The economics department Thursday greeted Margaret Seconal's return to the staff.
Seconol a one-year contract,
rather than demote her to GTF.
“It was the only way we could
get the students off our backs,”
explained department head Hairy
Goldindex-finger. “The whole
issue got us a lot of bad press.’’
But Goldindex-finger insisted
that Second’s politics had nothing
to do with the department’s deci
sion.
“The fact that she doesn’t sup
port the department’s view to
wards the South African govern
ment is immaterial,” he said fondl
'i
Aliens
arrive
This strange creature arrived
on campus Thursday offering
students fried chicken em
bryos. The most information
anyone could get out of him
was that he was from Re
mulac, (that's France).
ing his Krubberands. “But she’H
never be one of the boys.’’
Goldindex-finger maintained
that Seconol's decision to get
pregnant is proof positive that she
does not fit into the department’s
philosophy.
“I mean, look at us,” he
pleaded. "Do you see any other
r pregnant economics professors?”
Seconol’s new contract comes
| up for review in June so that the
department will be able to replace
her, should she still not meet their
requirements.
“And it's for her own protec
tion,’’ Goldindex-finger said. “This
way she has a year to seek more
suitable employment.”
Goldindex-finger remained
speculative concerning Seconol’s
research potential.
“Perhaps she could pursue
labor economics, but only after
f she gives birth,” he was over
heard commenting to one col
f league. "At any rate, she could
certainly help young mothers get a
handle on the economics of par
enting.”
He did not respond to protest
i that one month is not sufficient
time for any one to produce sub
stantial research.
“When we offered her the ap
pointment, she knew the score,"
Goldindex-finger asserted.
“Perhaps her new offspring could
help with the research.”
Police find
no leads
in non-crime
Eugene Police ended a grueling
three-day search of the city’s trash
heaps Thursday with nothing to
show for their efforts but dirty un
iforms.
The search of the trash heaps is
in connection with a crime that has
not been committed, said Fierce
Looks, Eugene Police Chief. The
search is also part of a program
which is guaranteed to get photo
graphs of city police on the front
page of the Eugene Register
Guard, Looks said.
“We’ve though long and hard
about how to get our officers on
the front page of the newspapers
in our area, so we decided that a
good swim in a garbage dump
would do the trick,” Looks exp
lained to reporters at the begin
ning of the search Tuesday.
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