Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 22, 1977)
Editor’s note: A Typewriter Wanned In Hell Is a satirical look at life in general, and University life in particular, by Emerald Associate Editor Jock Hatfield. Hints from Hercules Many of us have gone through the pain of filling out "Entering Residents Room Condition Re ports” for the University Housing Department. An inspired reader has written in to Hercules with the following suggestion: "Why don't you describe the room on the Room Condition Report the way you think it will look AFTER you are done with it. That way you won’t have to pay for the damages you cause. For example, if the form says Door....’ and then asks for comments, you write in what door?’ Since the door was purportedly not there when you came into the room you certainly could not be blamed if it is missing when you leave. This leaves you free to destroy the door in the course of the quarter. A Typewriter Warmed In He! By JOCK HATFIELD Of *he Emerald A Similarly, for ‘Lock,’ ‘Window,’ ‘Bed,’ and Floor,’ you write ‘What lock,’ ‘What window,’ What bed’ and What floor,' respectively. And if you really plan to have a rough quarter, you just write What room?' at the top of the sheet. This also saves a lot of paper work. "Dear Hercules, "For two years I have been yelling Bingo!’ when the last of my class term line numbers was posted on the Closed Sections board, and I have yet to get a prize. As I figure it, the University owes me six stuffed teddy bears and a color TV. I have written the University off as a bad risk, and instead have taken up something I think might help your readers. I call it creative registration. “To creative register, take the deringer you have concealed in your registration schedule, move up to the numbers on the Closed Sections board and shoot him. You then drag him off and put on his clothes. "Assuming that no one noticed this action you now have free reign over the Closed Sections board. "Dear Hercules, “Did you know registration took place in TWO buildings? I have been going to school here for four years and the lack of this knowledge has caused me to miss out on half of my education.” Hercules thanks the proceeding readers for their enlightened suggestions. A day without football New Football Chairman Mao Brooks has re cently drawn fire for his plans to hold all football games at sunrise. “I refuse to throw a football before 9 a.m.,” said University Quarterback Hack Henderson. “I don’t care how inspiring sunrises are.” Brooks, who has publicized his sunrise games in a city-wide campaign believes the Oregon team will look better in the darker morning hours. “Sun rise gives me a feeling of mom’s apple pie, Wheaties, and America,” explained Brooks. “Eve rything that is essential to be a good football player.” He added that he looks very good in a sunrise. Brooks says his team slogan for the year will be “Go out there and win one for the God.” In past weeks Brooks has been criticized for his “get 'em while they’re young” campaign, in which Brooks pasted decals of his face on Eugene elementary students. Prior to their pledge to the football, he would also lead them in several choruses of “Hail to the Brooks": “Hail to the Brooks, our lord has transfered.” “Let earth receive its king,” after which Brooks says, “Aw shucks." Dear Mom and Dad, Am really enjoying myself at school. I’ve spent all day taking official ‘Tours of the Dorms.” This guide takes us around to every room and points out weird growths and flora on the rugs. I went into registration today to get a PE class, and somehow lost the three classes I had pre registered for. Remember Kathy and Dianne, the girls I grew up with? Kathy used to come over to our house for lunch every day, and Dianne and I were on the basketball team together. Well, last night I lost them in the EMU, and they are presumed dead. Hope you are fine, Love, Bertha. WE NEED YOUR HELP A drought last winter has left the reservoirs behind the Northwest’s hydroelectric dams only 2/3 full. These dams supply 80% of the region’s electricity. Citizens, business and industry are cutting back their electricity use now to avoid possible forced curtailment this winter should the reservoir levels become critical. Please help conserve electricity! EUGENE WATER & ELECTRIC BOARD 500 E. 4th 484-2411 A municipally-owned utility ^ CORRECTION The Gantsy’s Ice Cream Duck Dope Coupon was inadvertently printed without the expiration date of September 25, 1977. The Emerald regrets any inconvenience we may have caused customers of Gantsy’s Ice Cream. I- J PANTRY DELICATESSEN HOT OR COLD IMPORTED OR DOMESTIC FOODS WITH OLD FASHION SERVICE— SAN GREEN STAMPS, TOO! POTATO BEAN SALAO COLE SLAW V Made Fresh Daily RAISED DONUTS Persians, Filled, Twists or Long Johns FRESN DAILY FOR. YOUR EATINO PLEASURE CHUNK STYLE Dubuque Brand Chunk or sliced .to your order YOU'LL ENJOY THE VARIETY ANB QUALITY YOU'LL HMD AT TME OPEN PANTRY INSIK YOUR FRIENM.Y
