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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (June 23, 1977)
A Typewriter Warned In Hell By JOCK HATFIELD Of the Emerald Your Weekly Horiblescope Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Tell your problems to Scorpio today. Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): Your stars are in a bad positon now, watch out for comets. Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): Tell Gemini to shut up. Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Don’t expect any more hit songs. Ask Hercules (The Emerald household tips and trivialities column.) Many of us have gone through the pain of filling out “Entering Resident s Room Condition Re ports" for the University Housing Department. An inspired reader has written in to Hercules with the following suggestion: "Why don't you describe the room on the room condition re port the way you think it will look after you are done with it. That way you won't have to pay for the damages you cause. For exam ple, if the form says "Door and then asks for comments, you write in “What door?". Since the door was purportedly not there when you came into the room, you certainly could not be blamed if it is missing when you leave. This leaves you free to destroy the door in the course of the quar ter. Similarly for “lock,” "Window,” “Bed” and “Floor” you write “What lock,” “What Window,” What bed” and “What Floor,” re spectively. And if you really plan to have a rough quarter, you just write “What room?” at the top of the sheet. This also saves a lot of paper work. You are now committed to de stroying your room in the course of the quarter. If you don’t feel up to this you might try a more sub lime fraud. For example, where the form asks you for a descrip tion of “Wall..you write “There are three meteor-sized holes in the right wall." Where the form says "Door" you write “When I open my door it falls on top of me." Again you must be sure to make accurate predic tions. If there are only two meteor-sized holes in the wall when you are finished with the room, the RA's might wonder what happened to the third hole and get suspicious. Don't be af raid to knock out that third hole. In some cases it may be possi ble to experimentally deduce what a given object will look like after eight weeks. With the carpet for example, you might pour beer, hair, catsup, dirt and toothpaste on a sample swatch. Then, if the carpet was originally red and the swatch turned, say, pink with green splotches, you write “Carpet.. Pink with green splotches.' You will no longer have to worry about spilling beer, hair and toothpaste. Be creative! When the form asks “Fire hazards...(China, sil verware, pets)” write “Yes, I have this strange, non-fireproof dog at tached to my floor.” There is no limit to what you can do to a room in eight weeks. Hercules gives thanks to reader for his enlightened sug gestion. ‘Bugged’ editor finds roach The Emerald was bugged over the break. A two-inch-long cock roach was discovered under a plate in the Emerald office Mon day by still-hanging-around last year news editor Lora Cuck oodoll. Said Cuckoodoll upon making the discovery, “AHHHHHHHHH!”. The cock roach was packaged, wrapped up and sent back to the EMU cafeteria. Waltons: We’re sweet and right The fight to put saccharine back on the open market gained support this week as several well-known personalities publicly confessed their addiction to the substance. Two of the more outspoken groups, the Carpenters and the Waltons, testified before a house sub-committee. “We couldn’t do our show without the stuff," con fessed Jim Bob. “Without our daily saccharine hits, the Waltons would be just another Kojak.” Carpenter of fered a similar testimony. “You won’t believe this,” she said, “but without my daily saccharine hits I sound like Peter Frampton.” Both groups claimed saccharine is harmless. “Sure it’s a little nauseating,” said Carpenter, “but cancer?” Dear Mom — Hi, hi, hi, hi... I have learned a great deal in the very few months I have been here in America; however, except for the letters I write you, I get very little practice in the English language. I am ready to come home for the summer and start learning it again. Of the 1,500 friendly Ameri cans who speak to me daily, none ever says anything besides “hi” and for variety “how is it going?” I am kept very busy replying “hi” and “how is it going?” in return, and have learned to do so without an accent. But after nine months of this I think I have had enough. When I walk down the hall of my dormi tory I speak wall to wall “Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi” until I am out the door. They have holed me away in a Hamilton for the summer. I am very lonely. Please send another case of homemade sauerkraut. Dein Lieber Heinrich. Please forget this poem The following poem won sec ond place in the Readers Undi gestable "Most Unforgetable Poem contest. The housefly beat his wings Against the Window pane. Striving for a better world Ignoring the left-over egg and the tomato juice stain. Flying against the window where so many flies had lost their wings before Flying against the window that Was suddenly there no more! Leave behind the egg, And the tomato juice stain. On to the cow patties lying In the new morning’s rain! OSEA slates Friday meeting District 12 of the Oregon State Employes Association will meet Friday at the Interna tional Steak ‘n Brew restaur ant, 3350 Gateway. The main topic of discussion will be the proposed central contract and its ratification. Cocktails are at 6:15 p.m., followed by dinner at 7 p.m. Any OSEA member interested in attending should contact Berta Lacy, ext. 5243, by noon Thursday. The cost is $5.35. v v SOFLENS WEARERS The FDA has jusr approved a new cleaning solurion for the Bausch Sc Lomb Softens Send for free sam ple Enclose 254 for postage and handling CONTACT LENS SUPPLY CENTER 341 E Camel back Rd Phoenix. Arizona 85012 BANANA SPLIT SALE Buy 1 at the regular price and get the second for only 1 cent THURSDAY June 23 only 13th & Hilyard Dairy Queen only Spend this sum er in the cool, air conditioned EMU FOOD SERVICE Want to spend your noontimes outdoors? The EMU Food Service Trailer would like to eat lunch with you at the Library turnout 9:30-3:00. The Soda Bar Open 9 to 6 p.m Serving donuts, variety of soft drinks, ice cream. Closes Fridays at 3 p.m. Deli Open 11 to 2 p.m. & 4:30 to 6 p.m. Open Fridays from 11 to 2 p.m. Be creative and make your favorite sandwich from a wide selection of meats and cheeses. Salads available too. Grill Pizza-Burger bar Open 2 to 6 p.m., Closed Fridays Offering burgers, pizzas, hot dogs & fries. The Cafeteria Grill open 7:30 to 2 p.m. Breakfast served from 7:30 to 10 a.m. Serving line open 11:30 to 1:30. The cafeteria line has always been the place to go featuring daily lunch specials with a choice of salads, sandwiches & desserts. TODAY Free Popcorn & Live Entertainment 3-6 p.m. EMU DINING ROOM 12 oz. Glass 35tf Pitcher $1.50 EMU BEER GARDEN
