Bird and Boot
Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Officials axe forest
By I.E. SWEAT-SOCKS
Of the Immorald
CLEARCUT THE WILLAMETTE:
The Willamette National Forest
has announced a plan to clearcut
the entire forest including the wil
derness areas within the next two
fiscal years.
Forest Supervisor John
“Timber Joe" Alcock announced
the plan Thursday in the confer
ence room of the Springfield
Weyeurheurser plywood mill.
“I think the Willamette is way
ahead of the other national forests
in the concept of total ruin of the
forest,” Timber Joe said. “By cut
ting all the trees at one time, it will
make it much easier to reforest.
The region's mills will stockpile the
logs, knowing they will have
enough to last for at least twenty
years.”
Timber Joe also stated that the
forest will not have to use phenoxy
herbicides in the reforestatkn
plan. Instead, the forest will tie
Hoedad members to trees to
scare away blackberries and
other competitors of the Douglas
firs.
"The best part of this plan is that
all trees will be eliminated from
wilderness areas where they have
been a health hazard to hikers for
years," he said. "We have some
old plastic Christmas trees that we
will install around some of the al
pine lakes to provide shade and
comfort for the tired drivers of
four-wheel drive vehicles."
The forest service expects that
the plan will eradicate all tree bor
ing insects, since their food supply
will no longer exist. Birds and
other wildlife will be eliminated
from the forest, too, but Alcoc,' is
not worried.
"By ridding the forests of pests
like wildlife we will be able to retire
our wildlife department and stop
subscribing to all those wildlife
publications that are printed on
Canadian timber. Not only will we
save on our payroll costs, but we
will help Jimmy balance our
import-export trades.'
ENDANGERED FECES: In a re
mote cave in the Grand Canyon, a
fire has been smouldering for the
last seven months. It is assumed
by Liming MacCabre, a feces
specialist, that the fire was begun
by some careless hikers using or
exploring the cave.
When the fire was discovered
on July 14,1976, it drew the atten
tion of park service employes,
who went to the site by both boat
and helicopter. They pumped the
cave full of carbon monoxide and
carbon dioxide and jello, and sea
led the entrance.
When they returned this past
April they were disturbed to find
the fire still smouldering. The fire
fighting had cost about $5 million
to date, mostly for heating the
water to make the jello. Why all the
fuss about a little fire in a remote
cave?
Well, this particular fire is burn
ing on a pile of 25,000 years worth
of sloth dung. It seems the Shast
sloth, a prehistoric beast about the
size of the black bear, used this
cave as their regional toilet about
35,000 B.C.
Paleobiologists from the Smith
sonian and the University of
Arizona consider the pile to be a
unique stratified storehouse of in
formation, and say there are only
ten caves of sloth dung in the
world. The Grand Canyon piles
should be preserved at any cost,
they say.
SAVE VENUZULA: The
University's Survival Center has
begun a campaign to save the
Venuzula, a rat that lives on boats
in the Burns, Oregon, marina.
The Venuzula is unique in that
there is no marina in Bums that is
older than 20 years.
DAMN MILL RACE: Claiming that
Eugene residents do not have
enough urban water recreation
resources, the Bureau of Outdoor
Recreation has announced plans
to dam the Mill Race adjacent to
the University s canoe shack
The dam will be more than 45
feet high and 1,200 feet across
BOR officials cited the availability
of cheap labor (students) in the
damsite area as the major reason
for flooding more than half of the
city.
Sen. Bob Pakwood says that he
will support the project, stating
that employment of Oregonians,
in particular voting Oregonians, is
essential for his reelection, even if
there is no state left to represent in
Congress.
‘Id still be sent a paycheck with
a D C. postmark," he said By re
locating the major part of Eugene,
jobs will be created and more
lumber would have to be used,
stimulating the timber industry
Whaling dj’s beached on air
By TV. WOOLF
Of the Immorald
Three K-WHALE disc jockeys apparently com
mitted suicide yesterday soon after their employer
announced plans to extend its “Save the Whales"
campaign “through 1980 at least."
The three had publicly expressed disapproval of
the campaign last week.
“Those jokers aren’t the only fish in the ocean,"
quipped the station’s personnel manager. “They’re
expendable — you can see that.”
K-WHALE’s threat to continue with its promotion
was followed by an onslaught of telephone calls beg
ging that government intervention be used in connec
tion with the campaign. “This senseless killing has
got to stop,” said the wife of one of the deceased.
Crowds of reporters gathered at K-WHALE's
hilltop headquarters to ask station manager I.B.
Sharkey to comment on the matter. After a forty
minute wait, the executive emerged from his office
wearing a stunning, blue-green wet suit and began to
address the crowd.
He uttered 13 minutes of incomprehensible,
high-pitched gurgling, but completely ignored repor
ters' follow-up questions. “My friends will under
stand,” he finally spouted.
a competing local newspaper today quoted
anonymous sources as saying Sharkey later “went
romping and snorkling in a hidden salt-water pool
beneath the station. While our ethics prohibit our
quoting “anonymous sources,” we believe he prob
ably did do it.
Few Eugene residents remember when whales
were plentiful in Lane County. A survey of rest
homes, however, did find a few raisins who claimed
to recall them "swimmin' up ever’ stream from here to
Witchita.”
It’s impossible to say just how many whales
have been saved in Lane County during the cam
paign. Fossils in the John Day area seem to indicate
the big boys come and go.
Most Eugeneans have not yet had their whale
consciousnesses raised and could be overlooking
them, noted one whale saver.
While it was hoped that consciousness-raising
efforts would have a “dramatic” effect on the Lane
County whale population, that evidence has been
hard to find. State police report “no change” in the
numbers of whales being slaughtered along super
highways.
On that evidence county commissioners have
found it necessary to pass severe restrictions on
whaling within the country.
I Hid InH
THE KING
OF S
1 He was voted Best Dressed
Man on Campus this year
2. He has exceptional "tal
ent."
,3. Because nobody else would
do it.
4. He's never made a false
start
5. He came in last at Best Butt
Night at the Tavern.
6. He can’t type.
7. We got him drunk enough
to do it.
Want to follow in this man’s footsteps?
Your friends will call you the “King of Schitz" if you drink enough Schitz to earn our official uniform.
WHEN IT’S RIPE,
YOU KNOW IT
Tots demand day care program
“Day care now! Wow, Wow,
Wow!" was the chant of more than
100 protesters Thursday as they
marched through the EMU to
Johnson Hall.
Ranging in age from 6 months
to 5 years, the tiny tykes stormed
the office of University Pres. Nul
len Void demanding a place
where they can stash their parents
during the day while the kids play.
"It's ridiculous," said Terry
Junior between sucks on his
pacifier. "Do you realize how hard
it is to concentrate on playing with
a parent watching over your
shoulder, whining about this and
that."
The tykes are planning to take
their protest to the Legislature in
Salem "as soon as one of us can
get a driver s license,' said one
organizer.
REAR
EXIT
Best Genital Nite
If you’ve got it —
here’s your chance to
flaunt it
$30 Prize
to most crowded crotch
.Judging begins at 8:00 p.m.
Over the Underpark