Irate lumbermen
whack downtown
In a protest against wilderness,
Oregon lumbermen chopped
down Eugene Thursday.
Screaming “Kiss my Axe,” the
loggers began chopping on City
Hall early Thursday morning.
“Timber,” they shouted as it
crashed to the ground. When they
ran out of buildings, the loggers
began chopping down cars.
These were also leveled. Having
nothing better to do, the loggers
then proceeded to chop down Ar
chie Weinstein.
“We re having a lot of fun," said
logger Douglas Fir. “If the weirdos
take the wilderness away, we log
gers will come to the city and
play.” '
Portland escapes
via nuclear clouds
The amount of damage caused
by the May 1 radioactive gas leak
from Trojan Nuclear Power Plant
was underestimated, Portland
General Electric authority Adam
Split reported Thursday.
“At first, we thought Portland
was hiding somewhere in the Nuc
lear cloud, and were optimistic,”
said Split. “But now the cloud is
gone and Portland still hasn’t
shown up. The Public Relations
dapartment isn’t going to like it,
but I’m going to go out on a limb
and say that Portland has dissol
ved."
Split points out, however, that
the damage was only half as much
as allowed under federal safety
standards.
Student spaces out
on Moonie leaflets
Mark Z. Hughes broke another
school record Wednesday collect
ing 14,000 Moonie pamphlets in
the space of one hour. Asked his
secret, Hughes replied, “I dunno, I
was walking around campus a lot
and people with varnished eyes
kept holding out Moonie Pam
phlets. I thought they had some
thing to do with astronomy," he
said.
Detectives narrow
creature’s identity
The furry, foul smelling creature
sighted by tourists last Sunday in
Vancouver, Canada, was not, ac
cording to investigators, the
legendary Bigfoot.
“At first he had us footed,” ad
mitted chief investigator Squash
Sack. “But then we considered his
actions. Bigfoot wouldn't jump up
and down, juggle tourists and
break a bus. We are convinced
the hairy half-man half-ape was
either Hunter S. Thompson or Idi
Amin on a Northwest vacation,"
confided Sack.
Brigade members
kidnap committee
Unbeknownst to the populus,
the Pissed Off Student Brigade
(POSB) kidnapped the House
Joint Ways and Means Commit
1
tee after the tuition hearing Tues
day night.
POSB members are at this
moment masquerading as a sub
committee in Salem. Whatever
you do, don't put this in the paper,
said POSB member Bob Z.
McGregor, who preferred to re
main anonymous. “It would blow
the lid off our whole project."
Comedy premieres
despite nose itch
“Over the Roar of the
Greasepaint, I Heard the One
Who Flew Over the Loon's Nest
Call Me Jean Brodie On a
Stretcher Named Desire,' Franz
Kafka’s only humorous play,
opened last night at Carouso
Theater.
The play was presented in a
way that not only stimulated the
eye, ear, nose and throat, but that
created a sinking feeling in the
viewer's stomach as well.
John Power played the part of a
90-year-old man with the physi
que of a 20-year-old exquisitely.
However, since we must find
something to criticize, we will ask
Power: was it necessary to
scratch your nose at the end of the
third act? Every actor must learn
to practice some restraint and,
after all. you were supposed to be
dead.
Peter Welch seemed to live the
role of the evil cuckoo, doing a
magnificent job of strutting
around, ruffling his feathers and
laying an egg in the second act.
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