P.E. department installs
plan for crowded courts
By MARTHA BUSS
Of the Emerald
Dear Beef Box,
The raquetball/squash/hand
ball courts on campus are very
heavily patronized, from early
morning to about 9:30 every
night. People have been known to
wait over an hour for courts.
An informal sun/ey has shown
that a significant fraction (one
third to one half) of users are not
University students nor fac
ulty/staff. How about implement
ing this cheap and (hopefully) ef
fective solution:
1. Glue a small, clear plastic
compartment on the inside of
each court's window.
2. Require every group (class
es included) to insert a student
body card or staff card into this
pocket so that it can be seen from
the outside.
3. Post conspicuous notices
two weeks before beginning en
forcement.
4. Have an official-looking per
son enforce the rules the first
week or so.
No exceptions - no card, no
court.
Sincerely,
Tired of waiting
Dear Tired,
The physical education de
partment is finally answering
yours and many other students’
complaints about court misuse.
The department is currently in the
process of formulating new rules
for all courts.
Under the new plan, which
Doug DeWees, an administrative
assistant in the physical education
department, hopes will take effect
by the end of this term, the hand
ball courts will have a 10-minute
turnover schedule.
There are eight handball courts
on 15th Avenue and, under the
plan, players will alternately vac
ate six of them at 10-minute inter
vals beginning on the hour, there
fore allowing one hour of playing
time in each. The remaining two
courts will be left open for chal
BEEF BOX
V.
tenges. The winner in each chal
lenge court must accept all chal
lenges and may not play more
than three consecutive games.
The tennis courts will also have
a new system. The physical edu
cation department has ordered
three “rotation racks" and will in
stall one at each of the
University’s three tennis court
complexes. These racks will have
clear tubes to hold waiting players’
balls. The balls will go in at the top
and come out at the bottom on a
first-come basis. The balls, of
course, must be labeled and court
use will be limited to one hour. The
whole system will be similar to tak
ing a number in a shoestore or
waiting in one line at the bank, with
the balls lined up in the tubes as
telltale signs to who’s next on any
available court.
On both types of courts, only
University members will be al
lowed. Although no officers will be
on hand to enforce this, DeWees
says the students and staff should
feel free to ask for a person s ID
whenever they have doubts.
A Typewriter
Warmed la Hell
By JOCK HATFIELD
Of tt» Enwrald
Greeks deliver
a trojan horse
Rumor has it the construction
next to the music building is not,
as some would have us believe, a
classroom addition, but a nuclear
missile site.
Our sources have traced con
struction funding to the Greeks,
who deny building a nuclear mis
sile.
Let them eat...
tough bananas
Prof. Paul Hobo announced this
week that professors are going on
the semester system whether
students like it or not.
The declaration came after a
student speech unfavorable to the
semester system. "Having a pro
fessor teach a semester system
rather than a quarter is similar to
leaving a camera on a news man
after he has finished giving the
news," said the student speaker.
“Before our eyes a dignified send
er of information is transformed
into a trembling grin addict.”
It was at this point that Hobo
seized the podium. “Who do stu
PSYCHIC
CAN BEWITCH
(MESMERIZE)
LOVED ONES.
OTHERSTO
YOUR BIDDING
WRITE REQUESTS:
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dents think they are?” said Hobo
to his colleagues. “We re the ones
who run this University. If students
don't like it well...TOUGH
BANANASr
The professors will go on the
semester system Monday. Quar
ter system classes will continue as
usual without them.
Profound odes
live in sneakers
University student Denise Z.
Charbonneau received the na
tional “I'm Not A Poet" award
Thursday for her poem The Last
Living Plant.” Charbonneau says
the poem was inspired by a
seven-month-old sneaker. The
poem reads as follows:
A small green twist of ivy
By the open window grew.
Striving from the dark room
to the light
In a dirt filled shoe.
All known life was gone
Even the ivy was rotten of root.
The world’s last living plant
dying
Of athlete’s foot.
Judge Julie Z. MacKen says the
poem was selected for its “pro
found rhymes.”
Crippled POSB
Merril Lynched
I have a complaint. Three
months ago I was happily pushing
my wheelchair to the library when I
was suddenly surrounded by
strange-looking students. One of
them, Bob, grabbed my chair and
began pushing me across the
street.
"What are you doing,” I asked.
“You are going to be instrumen
tal in putting the proletariat into
power,” said Bob. “The POSB has
noticed handicapped people have
a great shock value, and we de
cided to get one.”
What is a POSB?” I asked.
“That’s POSB,” he corrected.
“The Pissed Off Student Brigade.
Everyone has heard of us Pissed
Offs.” He was now dragging me
up the stairs to Johnson and
Johnson Hal.
The other crazies followed be
hind changing ‘Tuition Schmui
tion! Tuition Schmuition!”
Bob positioned me in front of the
door to Chancellor Lou EHen's of
fice. “OK kid, go do your stuff,” he
said and shoved me through the
door.
Chancellor Ellen looked up from
her work to see me coast through
the door, skid over her throw-rug,
and crash to a stop in front of her
desk. “Hi,” I said.
Bob was waiting for me when I
coasted back outside. “Great,”
said Bob. “I can see it now: Chan
cellor bounces crippled demon
strator!”’
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“Can I go to the library now?” I
asked.
“Are you kidding,” said Bob.
“Do you realize how many pro
letariats are still in bondage?”
Bob now brought up a large
cardboard coin, hung it around my
neck, wheeled me downtown and
chained me to a lamp post in front
of Merril Lynched.
Three weeks later he came
back to visit me. “I feel iH,” I said.
“I know,” said Bob, holding up a
newspaper for me to read: “Hand
icapped protestor nears starva
tion, death in three week protest
vigil.”
“Five columns,” said Bob. “You
know what you’ve got kid — PR
power!”
“But I don’t want PR power!” I
replied.
I am writing this letter from
Chancellor Lou Ellen’s closet. She
was less patient the last time I
came through her door, and filed
me away. Bob says I can’t come
out until this hits the papers. He
suggests the following headline:
“Chancellor kidnaps, closets crip
pled demonstrator.’’
But, as of this minute, I am re
signing my post as POSB Chairer.
I have rights you know! You can’t
just go around pushing people
through doors!
As for ROTC, semesters,
ASUO, Earl Butz, fraternities, Hit
ler and everything else Bob has
on my protest agenda for next
week, FORGET IT! I am now three
months late studying for my health
midterm, and MUST go to the lib
rary.
Sincerely, Herman “Hotwheels”
Step hotter
Now comes
Miller time
tonite
nba playoff
games
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