GAS
COUPONS
ACCEPTED
£ INTRODUCES
THE RECYCLED MEAL
ONLY $4.00
WITH YOUR CHOICE OF FRESHLY CHEWED LETTUCE
YESTERDAYS FRYS OR FLAT COKE.
DIRT SHOE® has it.
With the patented DIRT SHOE’ design
combining fashionable good looks
with true naturalness — when you’re
walking in DIRT®, DIRT® is all you
feel — because there is no sole at all!
(See diagram)
Conceived by a South American native while
walking on the beach in Denmark in 1952, the
DIRT HOI* is the first to do away with soles
completely. No more unsightly and unnecessary
rubber to come between your foot and DIRT®:
while wearing our shoe, your footprint is that of a
person walking barefoot!
the
■ole
Professor
develops
pavement
Time marches on, but by next
year it may be marching on a new
artificial surface developed here
at the University. A University
chemistry professor, Lester
Quackbottom, has perfected a
technique which can transform
ordinary duck droppings into a
material that could replace as
phalt and other petroleum based
surfaces.
“It's like dropping a big load, I’ve
been working on this for so long,"
confessed the tenured bachelor.
“I’ve finally gotten the formula to
the point where I can apply for a
patent.” The surface, he says, is
more durable than asphalt and as
economical and easy to spread as
cement.
Quackbottom insists the idea
for the surface, dubbed "Exkra
ment" came from an effort to re
store respectability to the
University’s beleaguered web
footed mascots. ‘ Duck is not just a
four-letter word," he pointed out.
“It’s an attitude.”
The practicality of
Quackbottom’s brainchild be
comes more evident considering
the only ingredients it requires are
a few chemicals, a common
household desiccant, and, of
course, the droppings. “Ducks are
certainly more accessible than
gravel or any of that stuff," the
bespectacled professor asserted.
“You don't have to dig for them.
They can be trained. I’ve done it."
Quackbottom plans on resign
ing his professorship next spring
to devote more time to marketing
his new product. “I’ve made ar
rangements with Harold Grab
cock at the Physical Plant for
space for the processing plant.
Those Mill Race ducks produce a
superior class of doo-doo and I
want to stay near them."
Ernest N. Julio Jello
"The Jello that quivers
like a lover’s first kiss”
Salute:
Many people have asked me what makes "Ernest N. Julio” Jello so special.
Is it the long hours the grapes spend ripening in the sun? Is it the caressing
fingertips of those cool evening breezes? No! To develop that deep tingle of full
bodied excitement in every mouthful, I, Ernest N. Julio, tenderly kiss each
grape before it is sent to the pulping machine.
Press your lips into a spoonful of Ernest N. Juilo Jello, and discover for
yourself the quivering response of each young grape—I know you’ll love it like I
do...
Tastefully yours,
% faUo
Ernest N. Julio Jello Farm. Immodesto, California
r
Lizard livery loses
The Iguana Care and De
velopment Center (ICDC) was
ruthlessly slashed from the In
cremental Fee Committee’s
Budget Thursday amid bellows
of protest from lizard owners
charging the committee with
“Reptile Racism."
Shouting to be heard over
cries of "they say cut back, we
say bite back" IFC Stooler
Lamey Nurd explained that
less than one percent of UO
students actually use the facil
ity. Following his assertion he
was pelted with a hail of
chameleons flung at him by the
incensed crowd.
"What am I supposed to do
with "Iggy" now?" bawled a
tearful co-ed, clutching at
Nurd’s tailored bell-bottoms.
"Make him into a coin purse?”
Nurd replied that he wasn't
sure.
Californians; here they come
University unloaded
on golden neighbor
By GLEN OZONEWOOD
Of the Immorald
Pres. Nullon Voyd announced today the sale of the University to the
California State System of Higher Education.
"This state can't afford three major universities, and we got such a
good deal that we jumped at the chance. Besides, it will be nice to have
some sun for a change.”
Included in the multi-billion dollar sale contract is an agreement that
California will provide sun on campus 235 days a year. Transfer of the
University got underway yesterday, when construction crews started
work on a Jack-in-the-Box at the corner of 13th and Kincaid.
Speculation that the sale was prompted by the fact that the balance
between California students and native students tipped toward Califor
nia this year was fueled by the statements of California Gov. Jerry
Brown.
There are so many of our native sons up there, said Brown, “that
we didn't see why they should have to travel 600 miles every time they
want to set foot on their home soil. And it will be nice to have some green
in this state.''
Informed sources say this is the first time that a state has held deed
to property lying completely within the borders of another.
Reaction around campus to the impending sale was mixed.
University Athletic Director. Hatten ' Sugar' Caine lauded the sale
saying, "We've always had a good basketball team, but Oregon's
weather has hindered recruitment for outdoor sports. Hell, last year,
(baseball coach) Mel Krouse lost three players to tarp injuries. This
ought to significantly broaden our possibilities for natural rivalnes."
Student Body Pres. SUm "In” Stemo had this reaction. "Wow. this
s great. I've always wanted to know how to surf." Sterno was later
disappointed when he learned that the University will retain its inland
status. Well, that’s o.k., I don't look so good in a bathing suit anyway."
Off campus, reaction was a bit less enthusiastic as local members
of the James G. Blaine Society began constructing barricades on the
oerimeters of the campus. "We re looking into the purchase of some
earthquake traps,' said local president Ima Native. “You can't never tell
vhat those stinkin' southerners will bring in with them.”
Local law officials have also begun to insulate themselves against
an expected onslaught of hippies, bikers, and other undesirables.
Sheriff Lugar Axehandle assured the Immorald that he'd seen movies
about Californians, “And they're not gonna get away with that shit up
>ere."
“It's gonna be great," assured Pres. Voyd staring southward from
>eneath his new Finster Glints, "I can start wearing shorts to work."
il" .1
EXCLUSIOR CAFE
You don't have to go to France
to pay outlandish prices for food.
LUNCHEON
DINNER
Near campus on 13th-you can
panhandle on the way over.