Concerning
by Walter Wentz
Mushrooms
Now that the mushroom season is here,
hordes of eager mycologists and
mycophagues—mushroom-eaters to you—
are storming into the woods in search of
their prey, while the long-suffering public
will once more be deluged with inane
articles—such as this one—trumpeting the
virtues of wild mushrooms, their flavor,
their nutritive value, and the fact that they
are free. Oregon is fortunate in the matter
of mushrooms; we have a great many
edible and delicious fungi that would cost
too much per pound in the supermarket,
but may be found, free for the taking, by
anyone willing to hunt them in their native
lairs, chase them up a tree and club them
to death.
We have many safe mushrooms, and our
few bad ones are easy to identify or avoid.
Your humble servant has been involved
in the local pursuit of edible mushrooms
for three seasons now; and a grand and
glorious feeling it is, to be in the woods on
Opening Day, listening to the clumsy
crashing of mushroom-hunters in the
underbrush, the yelling and clatter of the
beaters, the whimper of fleeing
mushrooms, the occasional snarl of a
larger specimen turning at bay.
Many a happy mycologist will go home
with a basketful of savory fungi for the
cooking-pot, or a prize trophy to be sent to
the taxidermist for stuffing; while others
will have only claw-marks and poison-oak
to show for a strenuous day.
Only very occasionally does one hear of
somebody who has trustingly eaten one of
our more interesting fungi, such as the
Satan’s Boletus (Boletus Eastwoodiae).
While most of our Boletes are nutritious
and harmless, this particular Boletus,
though fleshy and beautifully-marked, is
something of a humorist.
The amatueur who eats it is afflicted
with all sorts of interesting sensations,
turns a variety of charming colors, and
does a creditable imitation of an old
fashioned whirligig, ending up with the
damnedest display of plain and fancy
gymnastics that anyone ever saw, or even
heard of. The victim may afterwards be
utilized as a doorstop or fencepost.
1 was recently introduced to an obscure
individual who had brought a large
shipment of dried mushrooms back from
Mexico; these Mexican mushrooms were
apparently supposed to be an exotic
delicacy.
From the importer’s disconnected
mumblings, I gathered that the
mushrooms had been grown, or perhaps
harvested, by “silly old Si Bean.” Why old
Si should have been called “silly” I don’t
know; certainly his mushrooms com
manded a high price, despite their small
size.
But no dedicated toadstool-muncher is
deterred by minor obstacles, so, after
some haggling, I bought enough for a good
mess—say half a pound—and used them in
the preparation of my justly-famous
“Horsemeat Steak with Mushroom Gravy
and Dark Beer.” The flavor was passable;
but the new mushrooms seemed to have
the most fantastic effect upon my
mushroom-hunting luck!
Taking a walk after the meal, I was
amazed to note that strange-looking
mushrooms were suddenly springing up
everywhere; all of them were completely
unfamiliar to me, and did not appear in
any of my manuals.
Most of them seemed to be boletes; I
gathered and tested them voraciously,
which was fortunate, as I was unable to
discover any of them the next day.
Since I have been unable to discover any
references to these unfamiliar
mushrooms, I can only assume that they
are local hybrids or mutants. Therefore,
for the information of local mycologists, 1
will append from my field notes the
characteristics of some of liie more in
teresting varieties:
Dumbunni's Boletus (Boletus dumbunni)
Purple spores, cap yellow, with purple
and green spots. Stem fat, with blue and
red pinstripes. Found underneath
billboards, decaying bridges, and in auto
graveyards and old log dumps.
Remarks: A most delicious mushroom,
of meaty and robust flavor. Two or three
caps will make a full meal. Fine for soup,
stew, gravy, souffles, or cooked by itself. It
must be remembered, however, that B.
dumbunni apparently contains an obscure
chemical related to the well-known
Disulfozincoframmistan compounds, but
which, fortunately, is harmless to
humans—unless they happen to drink
beer, coffee, tea, milk, wine or water while
ingesting the mushrooms, in which case
splitting headaches, dizziness, violent
nausea, diarrhea, and the persistent
delusion that one has become a Bluejay
will ensue. The strident squawking of
afflicted members of the family can be
rather trying at times.
Four-Footed Boletus (Boletus fakeii)
Colorless spores, cap reddish or
brownish, wet and shiny. Stem same color
as cap, showing two longitudinal grooves.
Found on low, artificial-looking mounds in
the woods.
Remarks: Not a mushroom at all, but
the nose of an animal, Omnivorens fangii,
a large mammal related to the aardvark,
though differing from it in being entirely
carnivorous. The Four-Footed Boletus will
bury itself in the ground, leaving only its
nose exposed, and at the first tug on the
deceptive organ, will open great fang
studded jaws and devour the inquisitive
mycologist.
Surprise Boletus (Boletus hehe)
Black spores. Cap looks exactly like that
of the tender and delicious Suggins'
Boletus. Stem looks exactly like that of the
toothsome and savory Suggins’ Boletus.
Found in exactly the same habitat as the
flavorful and lucious Suggins’ Boletus.
Remarks. When touched, each cap will
explode with a force approximately equal
to that of three sticks of dynamite. At
present a movement is underway to re
name this interesting fungus Boletus
sugginsiae, after the late Merwyn L.
Suggins, the prominent Eastern
mycologist whose recent unexpected
demise was a great loss to mushroom-fans
everywhere.