Red Communist
Troops Bulge Out
Compiled by Tom Mountain and Barry-Barry
From the Wires of ANnahHiimtiil I'n-mt
Red ( onimuuist Bolshevik troops, reportedly representing
•loirt Russia, expandeal on a bridge bead next to the Ohdanj;
Knet on the southern ( o n an front Sunday, despite a powerful
urB'-‘ <J| American Boy Scout regiments, armed with willow
ticks.
( ause of the Red expansion, said Meow Sav Sttn^, commander
of the Chinese China command, was the diet of rice and water
beinfr fed to the Red troops.
•icneral Jmiif'lc'-s 1 )’.\rtlmr, commander of the U.Y. troops,
aid he lelt that the American boys would be home by XXXX
Memorial Day. lie added, " I hi is a biir new war. Ain't it ex
citing ?”
Meanwhile, Private D'Arthur was reported to have been re
called from his bar ( .one command by Untied States President
lluny I'alseman. I he recall message was said to have stated.
W e don t want you around anymore, so there. You can po any
where you want; 1 don’t care.”
\\ lien asked if this message were sent to D’Arthur, Falscman
aid, None of your damn business.”
Bolivia Overthrew Its President. . .
... In two of three falls in the weekly wrestling matches held at Wash
ipApn Plaza every year. Oscar Bolivia, a slight underdog for Saturday's
min h, won the first fail over Us President, a Mongolian Polar Bear; lost
ihe second, but came back to win the third with a bawdy block.
New Yorkers Will Have to Learn to Walk ...
... If they have not already done so. American Conglomeration of
I.abor Pams struck 60 commercial buildings Sunday, paralyzing the jai
tor, but the buildings still stood.
One of the New Yorkers, a 6-month old corporation president who has
not yet learned to walk, told ACLP president John John "Drop Dead "
He did.
A $50,172, 481 Cut...
. . . was received by Bill Sparrow, national mountain climber, while
climbing a high peak in the Ulps. The injury was sustained when he
1 aught his finger on a hunk of moss. "Ooh. help me," he manfully stated.
Dr. Horace I'ishline, called In to treat the cut, said the reason for the
low cost was the new facilities now available to medical sinus leeches,
witchcraft, and amputation.
Unknown members of the medical profession said thaWif anyone could
help Sparrow, Kishline could. Asked if this were true, Dr. Fishline said
modestly; "You damn well betcha."
President Falseman Asked Congress ...
what time is was Saturday. Congressional spokesman Sane Source,
chairman of the Committee for Promotion of Crime, refused to reveal
the information, fearing a political move by the President.
Sinator Source, once a graduate assistant at the Oregon Dow School,
aid that Congrous must maintain secrecy from Falseman, who he rev
erently called “that asinine fool."
Falseman, when asked by reporters for his reaction to the rebuff, said
graciously, "Shut up."
more
America Is in Grave Danger. ..
... of putting ourselves in a position which wil'l cause us to lose the
next world war if we do not provide General Liasonflower with enough
latrines," Slnator Kober A. Tuft (5i.-Ohiwoi said Sunday.
Tuft's exact words were, "America is in grave danger of putting our
selves in a position which will cause us to lose the next world war if we
do not provide General Liasonflower with enough latrines."
Tuft's statement was obviously a caustic denial of the policy set down
by president Kalseman, who has repeatedly urged thrift in the latrines
to TO; rope program. "Let ’em dig for what they get,” Kalseman has often
said.
Kalseman, in a press conference called to discuss the Tuft statement,
told reporters, "Shut up."
The Russians Have Taken a Step ...
... in Yugoslavia, charged Yugoslav Prime Minister Marsha Tonto.
I onto told XXXXXX reporters for Sesspool, Yugoslav newspaper, that
Jo Stoline, Soviet peach cobbler, XXXX asserted that the Russians in
Yugoslavia were student statues.
"Statues, however, cannot walk,” Tonto complained, “and Russians
have definitely taken a step in my country.”
Stoline, contacted in the Gremlin, said, “That's a crock.”
European Diplomats Are Tighter...
. . . controlled by their governments than are those of the Untied
States," said Sanctuary of State Atchison Topeka. "We in this great
nation should be prude of our freedom.”
President Falseman agreed with Topeka's statement. Said Falseman.
"You expect me to say something funny, don’t you. Well, I won't. I’m not
so sure Topeka knows what he is talking about.” Falseman added that
he was going to go a broad to find out for himself if Topeka were telling
the truth.
Asked by reporters if any action would be taken against Topeka if he
were prone to lie, Falseman said, "No, not anything in particular, other
than he will be drawn and quartered.” Falseman added that anyone can
disagree with the President without and repercussions.
Students Who Want to Take the Draft...
. . . deferment .test are just out of luck, said Minor General Lois Milky
Way, seductive service director.
added, "The test was designed for my I9-yenr son Flya, who is
attending John and Marsha College in Virginia, and who just hates to
lie a conscientious objector like his father was in the last war. He al
ready passed the test, so there is no use continuing it any longer.”
Flya Way, when contacted by 500 draft-eligible college students, said,
"Shut up.”
Maty NeupiluuuuH
Writer Finds
Opinions on
World Vary
by Wally MeTlvaln
Because of the chaotic condition
of the world, itn importance to
members of the human race and
teachers too, and because expert
opinion has no substitute in the
settlement of the Important issues
of the' day, the policy making,
higher-ups of the Emerald staff
determined to obtain a cross sec
tion of student opinion on the con
dition of the world today.
The question asked: "What do
you think of the world situation
today ?"
I.cnpnld Tagmount: "The con
fused condition of the world today
is dtqj to the utter lack of any
sernblence of order. The proximity
with which I am able to approach
the situation renders me with a
distinct advantage in analysing the
abstract elements that form the
foundation of the crumbling struc
ture that today is of concern to
men in the highest reaches of soci
ety as well as to those groveling
in the lower stratosphere of human
depraviay, and it is with this in
mind ...” "Excuse me for inter
upting you but 1 have just had an
accident my right arch just gave
way.”
Marjory Flat rack: “You think
you've Rot troubles. Listen Buster,
I just broke a finger nail. I’m in
I no mode for a tuosel with you."
(Ed. note. Whether the reporter
restricted his question to that
[specified is doubtful, yet he is a
; well meaning lad.)
Amos Fangschleistcr: “Its all
Terry Human's fault. lb';&<£/Z'.;
Lucky Lucihaaana (visiting dig
nitary on the campus): "What
situation ?”
Fanny IMnoh: "I not in favor of
of thf idea."
I’hllllp Morris: “Why don't you
mind your own business.”
SDX-—
Butting 9h...
*■ KWAX
5:00 Piano Moods
5:10 ('ontrahassnn Moods
5:25 Here’s Oscar
5:30 So who gives a natu
ral gosh darn ?
5:35 10 minutes of silence
for those without FM
sets
5:45 2 hour* of silence for
those who do have FM
sets
7:45 Through the Book
shelves
8:00 1’ractlcal Firstaid for
those who injured them
selves
8:15 Sports Shorts
8:30 Jockey Shorts
8:45 Anything <>ors
!i:00 Anything?
Si:15 To the woods
0:30 Music to go to lied In
0:45 Music by Khaehiturian
10:15 .Music to get up and go
home by.
SDX--—
There are 45 calories in half of
a small grape. Isn't this interest
ing?
L. G. Balfour Co.
YOUR
Fraternity Jeweler
pins, rings, novelties,
stationery & supplies
Dance programs, and
misc. supplies
Northwest Office
603 Gen. Insurance Bldg.
Seattle 5, Wash.
Mark McColm, Mgr.
Gal Editor Shocked
W-'-x'/wv-v/zm. * . -mi. mmwmwvwTwx*
ANITA HOLMES, editor of the
Oregon Daily Emerald, wears
saekelotli and ashes after dis
covering that three sororities
wish to rush her.
Living-in Plan
(Continued from page one)
A ikon in his well-modulated voice,
"I want my boys to bo eligible for
the varsity by the time they're
sophomores. I’m afraid they'll nev
er make it.”
Oh Boy
Most of the upper-classmen con
tacted were glum.
“Why in blazes didn't they start
this plan before now,” snarled a
junior. "It’s rank discrimination.
I'm going to flunk out and start
over again."
High school seniors throughout
the state indicated they thought
the new plan very satisfactory.
"Gee," said one Eugene High
senior, ”1 sure hope the Army lets’
me have at least one year more.
Then I won’t care what happens
to me.”
The faeulty members had little
to say about the proposed plan.
Bosch Appi’oves
Dr. Lesch, who occasionally
teaches Shakespeare, glared at the
Emerald reporter and roared in his
best classroom voice;
"Of course I approve the plan.
It's the first sensible thing the
student body or the administration
has done for twenty-three years—
since they hired me. Now by the
time I get these worldly-wise
sophomores in my Shakespeare
classes, they'll have enough sense
to know what I'm talking about.”
Bouncin indicated the plan’s de
tails will have to be worked out
within the next week so it can be
presented to the Executive Council
for a vote.
"It will pass unanimously,” he
asserted.
-— SDX
January February March? No,
but April May.
Looking Back
."»0 \ cars ago toda\ it was .Mav
21, 1901.
23 vcars ago today it w as Mav
21, 1926.
10 years ago today it was May
21, 1941.
I year ago today it was Mav
21, 195 0.
tVIIX HISTORY REPEAT?
Many complaints have been rtg
istered about dormitory ''food ""vJe
wish to state that it isn't half bad;
just all bad.
c
HEIUG
4 9?lf
"The Great Caruso”
with
Mario Lanza, Ann Blyth
also
“Inside Straight”
with
David Bryan, Arlene Dahl
MAYFLOWER
Ifljl.v * MQFIT DIAL J IG??
“The Groom Wore Spurs”
with
Ginger Rogers, Jack Garson
also
“Air Cadet”
"Harvey ’
with •
James Stewart, Josephine Hull
also
"Dark City”
with
Lizabeth Scott. Dean Jagger
MCKENZIE JW
> *" SPRIN'OrtELl? 7-2/01
"Up Front”
with
David Wayne, Tom Ewell
“County Fair’’
with
Rory Calhoun, Jane Nigh
also
“The Great Manhunt”
with
Douglas Fairbanks. Jr.
SEE A MOVIE FROM YOUR CAR
‘‘Harvey”
with
James Stewart
also
"Mexican Hayride”
with
Abbott and Costello
YOU’LL GET
BETTER HOLIDAY
SNAPSHOTS IF
OUR EXPERTS
DO THE
• Developing'
• Printing
FILMS IX BEFORE
10:00 AM. READY
AT 5:1X1 P.M.
SAM K DAY
Coburn’s