Emerald
THURSDAY, MAY 27, 194S
VOLUME XLIX NUMBER 143
SDX Edition
German Political Bloc
Wins Friendly Election
Patje 3.. .
Democracy or Discrimination
It has been brought to our attention that a VERY SER
IOUS problem of DISCRIMINATION exists on the Un
iversity of Oregon campus; here, on the campus that
Henry Wallace praised for its “liberalism.”
We point, WITHOUT PRIDE, to the DEPLORABLE
situation of the SEGREGATION of faculty and stu
dent automobiles on the campus parking lots.
Plow does this look to the visitor? On the one side, we
find a sign treading “Student Parkng,” behind which are
parked shiny new cars. On the other side, a sign reading
“Faculty Parking,” behind which we find ancient, bat
tered old wrecks.
Let’s END this source of embarrassment to our faculty.
We cannot carry on like this and follow our principles of
true DEMOCRACY. Allow our cars to MIX FREELY
on the campus parking lots in true democratic fashion so
that our professors may lift their heads in pride, secure
in the knowledge that NO ONE knows whether theirs is
the antiquated 1924 Maxwell or the bright new 1949
Mercury.
SDX Exposes Red Plot
On Webfoot Campus;
'Hotbeds' Disclosed
University officials were agog
Wednesday at the sudden disclos
ure by Sigma Delta Chi that a
powerful and widespread com
munist “cell” actually exists at
the University of Oregon.
Investigators disclosed that the
communists operate through a
secret political “front” party,
known as the USSR. It’s full
name is the United Students for
a Sovictized Regime.
From Johnson hail on the cam
pus came immediate assurance
that the underground movement
would be ruthlessly crushed.
When asked whether there will
be any communists on the cam
pus by fall term, surprised offi
cials declared, “Of course not.”
A Campus Communist Inves
tigation board declared the Uni
versity library and the Co-op to
be “hotbeds” of underground ac
tivity. Convalescents are com
plaining of undue tempera
tures in the infirmary beds.
The board charged that the li
brary “insidiously purveys” books
of a radical nature by Charles
Beard and others. The Co-op, said
the board, obviously is organized
on a “communistic basis.”
Good Heavens!!!!
r9 Wai
Student Lured Into Meeting
By“RED”BETELGEUSE
I was there. I attended a meeting
of the University of Oregon Com
munist party at the University of
Oregon at Eugene, Oregon. I saw
what happened. I took notes on
what went on. I was there.
It happened this way:
There I was, selling twisties in
the libe, speculating on women and
grain and, incidentally, taking a
few small bets from members of
the faculty who couldn’t make it
to Portland Meadows. I was mind
ing my own business.
Then a queer character ap
proached me. Strong in the knowl
edge that I was in Eugene, not Los
Angeles, I stood my marble. I was
omnipotent, abdominable, and also
reeked strongly of red wine. There
is no doubt that that is what con
fused the issue. The issue pushed
aside his beard, saying (and I
quote):
“Howja like to go to the local
Commy meetin’, Jack? The boys
gimme fifteen tickets to sell an’ I
only got three left an’ my kids are
starving at the vets’ dorm an’ my
wife run away to Argentina with a
guy named Schickelgruber and I
can’t buy any more powder for my
bombs an’ . . .” I stopped his stream
of eloquence and two cars with a
commanding gesture. Said I, “I’ll
take all of them.’’
Big Chance!!!
Here was my chance! I was gon
na get to go! Stan Williamson
couldn’t stop me. H. K. Newburn
couldn’t stop me. Governor Hall and
President Truman were too beat to
argue. My wife was out of town. I
could go!
Printed on the back of the tick
ets were directions on how to get
to the meeting. I rushed (I was in
the pink) along the path to John
son hall, whistling a few bars of
“The Red, Red Robin Goes Bob,
Bob, Bobbin Along.” Several con
fused girls sprang from the lawn
and ran in front of me. I stopped at
33th for a minute, the campus cop
finally let me go, and I turned into
the administration building.
Get’s In'!
A doorman named Gurley or
Kurlee or such ushered me into a
big, glass-topped desk. I slinked
through the bottom drawer and
into a cleverly concealed inkwell
which opened into a dimly lit cor
ridor. A small red light winked at
me from the corridor’s end. I
winked back.
But I didn't dare tarry. My goal
was too close. Brushing aside sorno
red velvet drapes maked Amaz
ing values! Incredible savings! I
stumbled into the low-ceilingod
room where the comrades were
gathered and tucked into every
corner.
. “Raus!” someone shouted
“House,” I shouted back. “Mouse.”
another yelled. “House mouse,” I
shouted back. I was in.
Reds Make Merry
Let me describe that incrediblo
scene. Bearded .tovarisches sat
cross-legged around the red-walled
cellar. One quartet sang “Redwing”
(Please turn to page eight)
Sex Relationship Revealed
See Page 7
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