Lemmy’s Ghost The Hammer and Coffin Society Edited by Rolf Klep Boob McNulty, or the Worm Who Was Turned j “Who steals my purse steals trash,” quoted the writhing frosh with a protestive squeal as he felt the hooks of the Stu dent Union Drive sinking painfully into his tightly lashed wal let—the subject located most inconveniently nearest his heart. “It’s robbery! It’s Holdup! Murder! Police! Call out the reserves!” At this point his raucous protests were silenced by the canvasser who throttled his thunderous pleas in a rough but effective manner. Sitting astride his chest the tactful rep resentative began the process of converting another infidel to the cause. With the aid of tooth, tongue, feet, fists and six inches of gas pipe this collosal task was finally accomplished. Emitting a last feeble squawk of remonstrance the victim col lapsed before the inevitable. The victor of a dozen such Water loos hoisted the vanquished to his feet and unleashed his foun tain pen. Through a laceration of the skull poured a flood of light and as it permeated through the soggy brain of the neo phite he found his fingers responding involuntarily. It is the age-old story of the dotted line. “Tempus figits.”—It is the year 1928. The scene is the lounge of the new Student Union Building. Perched grandilo quently on the edge of a comfortably bloated chair is a some what familiar figure. Again we must resort to an old but ex pressive term; “From the ridiculous to the sublime.” It is our frosh of the year ’24. Transformation unbelievable! Gone is that hunted look, but still remains a livid scar wherein pour ed the light of truth. Grouped at his feet is a cirele of young innocents, mouths open, tongues lolling, tonsils in evidence, grasping greedily at the pearls of wisdom which he casts pat ronizingly before them. He removes a thumb from the armhole‘of his vest to twirl the hirsuite adornment which glorifies the area directly beneath his nose. “Naow, when I was a freshman we had no such place for amusement and comfort such as you fellows enjoy today. I re call distinctly the day that I pledged my hundred. I was get ting ready for bed when I heard a couple of upper classmen discussing the subject. Anticipating the rush I leaped from my pajamas and tore from the house with my clothing in my arms. My worst fears were confirmed. There were a hundred or so men there ahead of me and more coming every minute. Well, we stood there all night and the next morning when the man in charge got there he had to break a window out of the rear of thy shack to get in. He never opened the doors. They went down like a flood gate and the sight was something grand. Marchingly relently forward with fountain pens drawn they looked like an advancing army of Philistines. I never hope to go through anything like it again. If I was Jiarpooned by a fountain pen once I was stabbed fifty times. My back looks like the tatooed man in a side show even today. Well, as I was s^ying/though, it’s the greatest thing that ever struck this campus. I’m certainly proud of that investment. Boys, it’s worth a thousand to me today.” Here he paused and glanced with critical eye at his watch. “Well, 12 o’clock already. Guess. I’ll drop into the Student Beanery and take on a little lunch.” 2600 years agp Aesop said: “No matter how hard the rain falls you can’t catch salmon with a pickle fork.” Dick’s so dumb that when I told him it would be a wet party he brought an umbrella. “I see the University standards have been lowered.” “Why that conclusion?” “Can’t you see the flag’s half mast?” —Pelican. Pierrot Pierrot, why do you strum Your mandolin When all the notes you hum Are weak and thin. Your instrument is true And richly made, But music is for you Another trade. You cannot make a tune So soft and light To fling up to the moon Above the night. Pierrot, you plunk and plink, With ecstacy. But yet, I really think You’re stringing me. —E. D. Here lies the body of Silester Slat A truck ran into the Back of his lap. Xote: Students who park on the curb would be safe from all such mishaps in the new Student Union Building. “Papa, kin I go swummingf” “They ain’t no water, child!” “Ikinlt need none. I kin do the sun stroke.” —Pelican. He (noticing some ashes)—Shay, Bub, someone has been snaoking in de Student Union Building. Bub—You’re wrong, old deah. This is the crematorium. “Do you believe in student di vorce?” “Nope.” “Then divorce yourself from a hundred dollars for a Student Union.” Bob (eating at the Student Union) —Say! This is sure heavenly food! Cat—Yabetcha! I can almost taste the feathers in this angel cake. Women are the same in at least one respect; they do you good—for every cent. Heard Anytime Bum—Do va think that modern j idealism is tending toward an epis tomological monism? Egg (misunderstanding him) — Diabolically speaking from a hypo dermical standpoint I should say no;1 not if you consider the inevitable sublimation of the ego as instinc tive. Some Sock “Those are not your golf socks, bo’.” “They sure are. They’ve got IS holes in them.” * * Rif4«-How can I get rid of mothd^S Raff—Use moth balls. Riff—They ’re no good. I threw them all morning and never hit a moth. • • • The Wreck of the Sperigus You know I thought that all this thrU business was confined to the hio vies, dime novels, snugging a woman and the possible advent of a flock of mice into a sorority house, but the other day something changed my view, which I now ad mit was entirely panoramic into a real honest to Prexy closeup. It happened this way: All year I have been hearing noth ing but the Seniors, and the rest of the men of experience, prattle about the fine times to be had on the mill race. Now all the fine times I have had so far have been IN the mill race—but I hadn’t better say any more because I fly off the handle too easy and I always try and avoid any little arguments, especially with upperclassmen because someone is always sure to get hurt—but to go on I was right goodly interested so I goes to the phone and calls up Lusan Enamel Hall to get my little girlie Miss Ayer. I got central al right and a half an hour later when I had persuaded her to take the gum out and had given her a word as big as the Ad building for her Cross word puzzle some one answer ed me at the Hall. “Hello, this is Lusan Enamel Hall speaking,” some jane says. I says polite as I could, “Give me Lotty Ayer.” Don’t think I wasn’t much overcome when she comes back with, “Open the window sap.” Well I am so hot tempered that I didn’t dare talk to her any more, but just waited two days and talked to Lotty on the campus. What I did was to arrange a little canoe ing party with Lotty the next eve ning. I tells her that I h'ad never been in a canoe before but that we will manage alright, as all there is to do is sit there and paddle, the only hard part being to paddle up Stream and then it is duck soup to drift down. Well, the next evening we gets the canoe alright and had a heated argument as to who shall paddle hpstream but ime being so hot temp ered decided to give in to Lotty and 1st her do it. What man ever had a chance in an argument with a woman anyhow. It’s always been that way and always will be. Adam never had a chance just like the laugh is on the Texas Legislature now. So we paddles upstream for about a mile and I asks Lotty if she isn ’t getting a little tired, being a woman, and she says, “Yes.” I of course, being a gentleman, offers to take the paddle, and after anoth er half a mile of going up stream I did take it. We turned around and started drifting down stream. This was fine but I began to get a little tired, so headed into the bank to rest awhile. Lotty stepped out onto the bank and here was where I got surprise a plenty. When she step ped out, her end of the ship went up into the air and here I was, be fore I knew it, floating down the middle of the stream with the front end tilted up in the air at a 45 de gree angle with the water. I was some scared and lost my head and the paddle too. This was jake until the boat hit an overhanging limb and flopped the whole thing over on me in the creek. I aim so mean tempered that it is a wonder that I didn’t do something to those Phight 5hvs and Awful Fleas who draped themselves out of their windows and all over the banks and gave me the laugh. Doggonit I am getting so mad now that I had better quit be fore I put something on paper to discriminate me. ANNA NY AS. RETAIN IDEALS, URGES ROBINSON A telegram from Claude Robin son, last year’s A. S. U. O. presi dent, was read at the banquet of workers last night. The wire read as follows: Mr. Randall Jones, President of Associated Students University of Oregon, Eugene, Oregon: To the Student Union commit tee of 1925, greetings and heart iest wishes for a successful cam paign. I have followed campus events this year through the col umns of the Emerald and am more than ever convinced that in the fact of increasing numbers, Oregon needs a student union., The Oregon spirit that fosters social equality and loyalty to alma mater and clean student ideals was born in the days of a small campus population. In the face of a rapidly growing student body I cannot see how we can preserve this cherished Oregon spirit unless it be enshrined in some tangible institution such as the students union. The outcome of this drive will directly in fluence the payment of last year’s pledges therefore your task is one of more than ordin ary importance. College men and women must realize a financial obligation for higher education and this must be proven once and for all by the success of the 1925 Students Union drive. Tour cause (friends) is rational and just and your case is absolutely invincible. Remember how they built the Woman’s building; yes turday a dream, today a practi cal necessity. Catch the vision of the Student Union. Sell it one hundred per cent. You can do it and you will. My only re gret is that I cannot be present tonight to convey these thoughts to you by means of the spoken word. CLAUDE ROBINSON. UNIVERSITY HIGH PLAY WILL BE GIVEN FRIDAY “The Florist Shop,” a one-act play by Winifred Hawkridge, will be presented by the University high school Girl Reserves, Friday, April 24, in the high school auditorium, for the purpose of raising money to send a delegate to the Seabeck con vention. The play, which is being directed by Genevieve Chase, is a clever, sparkling comedy full of whimsical turns, and music is being furnished by a number of prominent Univer sity musicians, among them Mr. Seifert. The play will begin at 8:00 and the admission will be 10 and 25 cents. I CLASSIFIED ADS t ❖ —— - ...... . TWO PENCIL sketches and drawing pad lost about 14th St. Please call KAP at 191. R. T. K. A-23-2-25 LOST—Gold wrist watch. Finder return to University depot or call 618-J. LOST—Gold wrist watch. Finder return to University depot or call 618-J. 1 LOST—Pair glasses, fountain pen-pencil, and key in brown leath er case. Return to Emerald office. A-22-23-24. HAIRCUT? SURE! The Club Barber Shop Geo.W.Blair 814 Willamette A GOOD SIGN TO GO BUY UNEEDA PRESSING CLUB Rex Shine Parlor The Only Place to Get Your Shoes Shined Help Wanted We have a few more attrac tive positions for college stu dents who wish to work dur ing spring vacation. Good salary guaranteed. Write 566 Pittock Block, Portland, Oregon. ROLLIEN S. DICKERSON TO TEACH IN NEW YORK Rollien S. Dickerson, who gradu ated with the class of ’23, getting ! a bachelor of arts degree, and who is, at present, head of the history department of the University high j school, recently accepted V 'plosD | tion with the Ethical Cultural col- i lege in New York. This eollege has been instituted by a group of wealthy men of the East, and its faculty is made up of men who are noted in their chosen vocations. Mr. Dickerson will fill the place formerly occupied by Dr. David Seville Muzzev, who is not only a noted historian but whose books have been chosen as text books by colleges. Mr. Dickerson will receive his master’s degree this June. E. F. SLOAN MARRIED IN MISSOULA. MONTANA Word has been received by Lieu tenant-Colonel W. S. Sinclair, com mander of the University R. O. T. C. department, of the marriage of Lieutenant Emerald F. Sloan, graduate of the University of Ore gon in 1922, to Miss Lucile Schaf fer of Missoula, Montana, on Mon day, April 20. Lieutenant Sloan, a major in chemistry while on the campus, re ceived his B. A. degree in 1922, was a cadet major in the local R. O. T. C. unit, and prominent in Oregon club affairs. He was ap pointed a Second Lieutenant in the infantry, on January 5, 1923, and accepted in that capacity, Febru ary 17, 1923. Lieutenant Sloan is now stationed at Fort Missoula, Montana. PATRONIZE EMERALD ADVERTISERS GAY THOMPSON Marcel and Bob 75c Manicure, 50c 861 WILLAMETTE ST. Roome 5 Phone 1091-R COAL IS YOUR BEST FUEL Rainier Coal Co. Phone 412 15 E. 7th FTRGIL “AENEID” SUBJECT FOB LATIN CLUB MEETING The first six books of Virgil’s ‘Aeneid” was the subject discussed 3y Professor Frederic S. Dunn, at :he bi-monthly meeting of the Latin slub, held Tuesday evening in the Oregon building. The discussion, ivhich was a manuscript outlining the books, was illustrated. May 5 is the date set for the next meet ing. MEMBERS OF SIGMA XI WILL MEET IN PORTLAND Sigma Xi, honorary scientific so ciety, meet Friday evening at the University of Oregon medical school in Portland, according to O. F. Staf ford, professor of chemistry, who will preside. UNIVERSITY INSTRUCTOR TO BE STANFORD FELLOW Harold Benjamin, principal of the University high school and instruc tor of supervised teaching in the University, has received a fellow ship of $1000 from Stanford Uni versity. Mr. Benjamin will carry on the same work at Stanford that he has been doing here. He received his master’s degree from Oregon in 1924. PHONE YELLOW CAB CO Pens and Pencils A student needs a good pen and a good pen cil. One that he can depend on at all times. When buying, purchase the best—It pays in the long run. A COMPLETE LINE ON DISPLAY AT Lemon 0 Pharmacy MAKE THE STUDENT UNION DBTVE 100% Z'" “ .. n - r- n m n n n « -r n .. -J New Shipment OF FLANNEL TROUSERS for men and young men Tans, Greys, Blues .V"**' at $4.98 to $7.90 . HAVE YOU PLEDGED FOR THE STUDENT UNION? m m— ——■—-— .... . I H TODAY Friday Saturday AMERICA’S GREATEST ROMANCE! THE immortal play of the "*■ West—William Vaughn Moody's love epic—now it comes to the screen—a pic ture that will live and thrill forever. Alice Terry Conway Tearle WALLACE BERRY HUNTLEY CORDON