\ THE LEMON PUNCH VOLUME 1 EUGENE, OREGON, JANUARY 24, 1920. —■ NO. 3 THE LEMON PUNCH Published as a weekly supplement to the Oregon Emerald. Edltor l......... .. .ROBERT O. CA8E Assistants BILL BOLGER, HARRY A. SMITH, ERNEST CROCKATT ON LITERARY APPRECIATION We were considerably riled up recently by a statement coming from a certain learned professor to the effect that the average undergraduate is unable to perceive the beauty of literature. We do not agree with the learn ed professor; in fact, we disagree. We believe that the learned professor’s remark springs from the chaotic caverns of a prejudiced mind, and takes root in the un sounded depths of unadulterated fallacy. We deny the allegation and defy the alligator. We take great plea sure in exposing the naive simplicity of his point of view. What does true literary appreciation consist of? It consists of the proper mental reaction to a beautiful ex pression. How is this mental reaction accomplished? Through the freeing of the soul from the imprisoning body, allowing it (the soul) to soar upward and onward into the higher realm of absolute beauty. That tbe average student is capable of this phenomenon is unquesuonaDie. we nave only to glance briefly into any classroom to prove the point beyond dispute. For instance, the class in Taussig. When the majestic sonorousness of Taussig’s phrases falls upon the student’s ear he Betties himself more comfortably in his chair and prepares to release his soul. A lethargy steals over him, he nods, his head sinks upon his breast, and behold! his soul is on the wing. The professor, in his narrow ness and prejudice, thinks the student is asleep. Nothing could be more erroneous. The student’s mind is galloping gaily through that higher realm, while his gross body is left behind, paralyzed by the pathos of Taussig. Many Instances could be cited on this point. Who has not been lulled into a state of coma by the simple elo quence of Ogg’s “Governments of Europe” or Beard’s “American Government and Politics” or Bays’ “Cases on Contracts” ? We all have. Yet this simple and noble tribute to the beauty of literature is not appreciated by the professor. He insists, and probably will continue to insist even after this discussion, that the student is merely asleep. Worse than that, he will say that the stu dent even snores at times. Being essentially broad-minded and open to argument and logic, we will admit that this constitutes the only flaw in our proposition, but it is a trivial one. All na ture is imperfect. It is one of these imperfections which we must overlook and cbndone the fact that while the soul is winging joyously through the white light of pure beauty, the gross body, left far behind, snores on con tentedly. “Quod erat demonstrandum.” We believe that the professor’s argument has been utterly refuted; he hasn’t a leg to stand on. And we trust that in the future he will look with more understanding and sympathy upon those students in the back rows who do not answer his question, or whose only response is a ‘snore. What that a good joke you heard last night when the gang was gathered around the fireplace? Write it down, label it “Lemon Punch" and put It in the box in the Journalism Annex. THE SHAKE BROTHERS Milk, Hand and Shimmie Some of the boys went on a hike. They stayed out all night. Covers were laid for thirty and they all went to sleep. * * * Those who give you the icy stare, and the cold shoulder would freeze to death if it were not for their hot temper. * * * In getting ready for a formal dance one of the boys went to the hardware store for his pumps and hose. * * * The lady asked for some talcum powder. The clerk said, Mennen’s? The lady replied, No, Women’s. Do you want it scented? No, I’ll take it with me. * * * See the pretty clean collar. Yea, it’s pretty clean. * * * She looked in every novel, And the book, “Who’s Who” But nothing ever printed For her baby’s name would ever do. She hunted appelations From the present and the past, And this is what they named him When they christened him at last: Roscoe, Henry Egbert, Ullysses, Victor, Paul, Reginald, DeLure, Cecil, Sylvester, George, McFall. And after all the trouble She had taken for his sake, The fellows called him Skinny, And his father called him Jake. * * * One way of getting a drag with your teacher is to* offer him a cigarette. * * * Just because a married man stayed home every night for thirty years, some people thought it was love. No, indeed, ?t was paralysis. * * * \fany A man whose life is fruitful never gets the rasp berry. LOVE? This is a discourse on that fatal illusion—love. Per haps you would doubt my ability—my qualifications? Suffice it to say that I have been the unwilling witness to the internal workings of several little dramas of love, which are here set down with the accuracy of the pro verbial Nom de Plume. Standing before the dresser in our combination bed room and study, he waved at the picture and earnestly questioned: “Ain’t she a peach?” I had to admit that she was good-looking—exceptional ly so. “And she’s not just a butterfly either—got some reg ular decent common sense.” I smiled. This reference to butterflies was amusing. First it had been Peggy—the girl with the golden hair. Then I had been forced to agree that Mary was a most romantic name. When we entered college together, Mary’s picture was returned to the stacks and Louise, with the big roadster, was the only girl in the world. Now Phil believed this with all his heart. I would not accuse him of hypocrisy. Of course he had his little lcve affairs—little things and soon frgotten—but this love for Louise was different. Something real. It be came so real that on the Christmas of his freshman year Phil proposed and was told to go and ask Papa. With love’s urge burning in his freshman breast, he dared the lion’s den and informed Papa that Louise was the ideal of liis dreams “Dreams is right, my boy. Go back to school and learn something and then after you have made good in the world, and if you still feel the same way, come back and I might think of consenting.” A most sensible man, I should say, eh, what? Scarcely had the dust gathered on the unachievable Louise when Phil began spending his leisure hours on the banks of the millrace, comparing notes on Tennyson with Gloria. Or perhaps he went canoeing down the race at nights—moon shining—singing fragments of pop ular songs to the accompaniment of Gloria’s guitar. Such influences were soothing balm and Gloria was such a sympathetic soul, she understood everything. When he made references to his recent disillusionment, she only laughed and patted his arm. ' In the zenith of his glory, Phil was bumped off into space. Gloria announced her engagement to a man from Cornell. This was a staggering blow to my friend and I had been really concerned about his health. Summer came and the holidays. We went up in the mountains and in the lure of the stream and the hunt for game Phil forgot his melancholy—his natural optimism re turning. On one point, however, he was decided. He, Phil Dancy, was off girls for life. No more romances—his was the bachelor’s lot. He would be a single man, tread ing the path of life alone, as a defiant protest against an unkind fate. That was in the fall. Then came Spring. Outside the warm breeze brought hidden things to life and with it brought the thawing of Phil’s hardened heart. “Oh, I know what you are thinking about,” he ex claimed fiercely. “But she IS a peach, and there never was and never will be another like her.” I sighed and said nothing. There was nothing to say. It was two weeks later that Phil came home late and looked upon me coldly and cynically as I sat studying. It was 2 o’clock. “I’m through,” he announced. “I’m off the women for ever. Silly, brainless, fluffy, frivolous-” He raved on and on, but I returned to my work. Now he may have meant what he said; perhaps he did intend to leave the frailer sex strictly alone. I do not know. But three years later as I was motoring through a certain small town east of the Cascades I thought of Phil, for this was his home town. It was Sunday afternoon, a balmy, sunshiny day, The natives were promenading up and down the shaded walks of the principal street. And then I saw Phil— but no. It couldn’t be Phil. He was pushing a baby carriage. In it were two rosy-faced babies. Beside him walked a large, buxom woman who was also pushing a baby carriage, and, as I live, there were two more babies in that carriage! I pulled up along the curb beside them. It was Phil, all right. He was overjoyed to see me, and proudly in troduced his wife. She inspected me calmly and without interest, and then turned her attntion to the children, leaving us to talk alone. "My word, Phil,” I said. “And I didn’t even know you were married.” “Yes,” said Bill, complacently. “Married two yearo now.” “Two years!” I echoed. I glanced furtively toward the two baby carriages. Two years, four babies. A bit thick, eh what? “Oh," explained Phil carelessly. “Twins. Two pair of ’em.” I was astonished, stupefied. This was a different Phil than I had known at college. “Listen, Phil,” I said at last. “Confidentially, man to man, are you happy?” “Happy?” he echoed. “Sure I’m happy. Why shouldn’t I be? Her old man has plenty of kale.” It was a modern fistic encounter, or rather a boxing match. One fellow was so light that when he was struck he lit about forty feet away. This was the end of the match. What a wonderful bird the frog are. * * * SIAMESE TWIN8 Cooed and cucooed. o * * * Just because Bill Hayward has a new par, he had to get a red one to be in keeping with the times. Bolsheviks beware. Lem Coke’s S. A. ON THE SYNDICATE LINE Hollo has a syndicate line Have you ever heard your woman say that To you? No? Well, maybe she said that About you. The question now arising is Are you flattered Or are you not? When your woman tells you that you have A syndicate line An analysis of the expression compiled At the express request of a noted authority A builder of fireplces An erecter of stockyards Shows That the two word expression may be divided Into two words. This conclusion was reached after nights of Toll. The two words are “syndicate” And line”. Syndicate means an organization organized for the purpose Of spreading something Thick or thin, As the case-may be. A line is a string, A string of wit, humor, poetry, stories, Or love That gets by Good or bad, depending of course on Just how It is appreciated by the audience Of one. Maybe you are serious when you whisper words of love Or maybe you are not. But when your woman says You sure have a syndicate line Do you kiss her, Or do you not? You tell ’em, Rollo. Cold Stuff They walked slowly up the path to the graveyard. These two. Sublimely Ignorant of the world beneath and caring nothing for the vole eof culture calling them from the Campus below. Why Is it, that between the muni cipal park and the graveyard, lovers will choose the lat ter? Is it a searching for long-lost souls or because there are too many people in the country? Is it that they wish to satisfy some vague longing—some desire for a sweet communion of spirit, or that the tombstone is more rest ful than a park bench? “I’m warm,” Jimmy said, “let’s rest,” as he dusted off his favorite tombstone, whisking off the white coating with his cap. Mary hesitated—and then sat down. “Did you ever see such a wonderful night, Mary?” "Now Jimmy dear, please don’t deliver an oration to night.” “This is no oration—I’m getting desperate. We know we love each other and yet these foolish conventions keep us apart.” A moment’s silence and he burst out: “Mary! We are sitting on the tombstone of John Brown.” Mary jumped, but settled back as Jimmy’s arm held her tight. “What’s that got to do with us?” she gasped “I wonder—” mused Jimmy, "if this John Brown,” in dicating below with finger, “I wonder if this John Brown enjoyed this old world” wny,_ Jimmy dear, wnat a the matter?" “I wonder ft he really did the things he wanted to do. Maybe he had a beautiful girl, that he cared for, sitting beside him, yes—maybe over there on that tombstone with the moss.” “Why Jimmy!” “What I mean is, Mary, would John Brown, if he were in my place, after all his life’s experience, sit here and hold your hand or would he say things, and do things that would make him happy for the rest of his life?” “Did you learn anything new in Psychology today?” “Oh Mary, you're cruel." But the call of Spring waB in Jimmy’s blood and the nearness of Mary caused his heart to beat faster and faster. They sat together on the tombstone and Mary, though contrary, allowed Jimmy to put his arm around her. «' The still silent night was for them. They did not heed the voices that floated up from the campus. They had each other—that was enough. “Oh! This old life is useless without love, Mary. If the spirits of these dead, burled here, could arise, they would urge us to love. I can almost hear them whis pering—love—love—love while you may.” Mary shivered. Silence again. As they sat on the cold, hard tombstone Jimmy pictured in his imagination the countless lovers who had wandered beneath these shady firs. How had they acted? What had they done? Surely they had not let the precious moments slip by. Then why should he? Mary disturbed his muslngs with a nudge. “Yes, dearest,” he whispered as he drew nearer. He opened his eyes. The shimmering moonlight, flood ing through the firs, cast strange shadows among the silent white stones and reflected sparkling from the glis tening white snow. “Come on, Jimmy, I’m freezing.” She shivered as she pulled hinj off the tombstone. “It must be ten below zero." • High-Speed Romance The promiscuous Kisser was wending his way home ward. The night had been a serious disappointment. The Wicked Glancer had failed—failed, in the estimation of the Kisser, to come up to the expectations which he had had for her. For Wicked Glances do not always go with ‘'romiscuous Kisses. That much was certain. The Kisser lit a violently-scented Gold-Tipped. Its nauseous fumes melted into the heavy mist which sur rounded the Kisser at the early hour at which he wend ed his way homeward. “Too bad,’’ he whistled to the fog. "Next time I’ll try The Winsome Stringer. She’s got a good line, and I’ll try to hang on to her.” His disappointment was keen—like a knife which could pierce the fog ahead of him. He could not see, but what mattered that. He did not want to see. His disappoint ment blinded him. As he groped his way homeward through the street where lay homes of residence of var ious girls of his acquaintance, he pondered. But why ponder here? He gave up in disgust. His Gold-Tipped went out on him. He stopped to light a match, leaned against a tree for support while he scratched the stick on his Patent Leathers. His hand against the tree almost touched something soft, some thing fuzzy, and he looked closer before he rubbed the sulphurous concoction on his extremities. It was hair, human hair. The Kisser looked around. Surely—yes, it was a girl! The Kisser was about to make one of his Famous Re marks, when the Girl cried out in surprise. It was The Naughty Giggler, with whom The Kisser had an oscula tory acquaintance. “Why, Hello—” he began, when he became aware of another face, a face under a man’s hat, a face asking whatinell the Kisser meant by obtruding his unwelcome Gold Tipped into a Deep Conversation. That was The Perfect Sluffer. The Kisser had a flunk ing acquaintance with him, so he calmly lighted his match, and murmured something about not being able to see his Foot in front of him. Then he passed on. As he glanced back, the two forms melted in with the bare ly discernable form of the tree. Perfect Tommyrot, he told himself. And yet he envied the Sluffer. Yet a block onward he picked up a cake of Whatever itwas upon the Instep of his Patent Leathers. He cut in upon someone’s lawn, to mop it off on the dewy grass. But it would not mop off. The steps of the Residence loomed close, and the Kisser felt impelled to scrape his piece of pastry off upon the sharp edge of the step. He raised his foot, when he heard murmuring voices. He recognized them, recognized what they were saying, but had no wish to remember the words. It was The Ardent Good-Nighter and The Loving Embracer. They were saying goodnight. The Good-Nighter was having his inning tonight, for sure. The Kisser buttoned his Sixty Bone Kuppenheimer higher around his neck and passed on. Good-Night Nothing, he told himself. And yet, he envied The Good-Nighter. A little later his Unmentionable became unclasped and hung down over his Patent Leathers. A convenient door way loomed ahead, a doorway of an apartment house, where he had endeavored to create a Happy Home a million or so hours before. He stopped, bent over, and a long, slender woman’s foot slowly backed toward his own foot. He hurriedly fixed the Unmentionable, and straightened up. But while engaged in the clasping exer cise. he determined that this foot must belong to The Affectionate Dancer. As he raised his head, not a woman’s face, but a man’s face appeared before his own. It was The Sentimental Sympathizer. ‘‘The Dickens,” muttered the Sympathizer. ‘‘No, The Kisser,” answered that worthy being, and passed on. "Sympathetic Slush,” he told himself. And yet, he envied The Sympathizer. A voice from nowhere pierced the fog. “Wasn’t this where we came in?” The Kisser glanced around him. The fog had lifted. Instead the Oocheezit Orchestra was whanging out a din of Jazz, and NoBones Corsets were being advertised on the screen in front of him. He pinched himself. Yes, he was awake. “Let’s get out of here,” the Kisser suggested. "Wasn’t that a wonderful picture?” cooed the girl. The Kisser glanced up. It was the Wicked Olancer. He rubbed his eyes. "I was so enthralled that I almost for got you,” continued the Olancer. “Yeb,” answered the Kisser. “What do you want to do now? Have something to eat?” “Oh, let’s don't. I don’t have to be in for an hour yet, and I know a nice dark spot on our porch where we can’t be seen. You know, where we were last time.” They turned their steps homeward. It was awfully foggy out, and once they were off the Main Drag, the Kisser allowed his hand to reach out and grasp that of the Glancer, placing the two of them in the pocket of his Sixty Bone Kuppenheimer. He (bewildered in departmental store)—Where can I And ladles’ garters? She (blushing)—Oh sir, don’t you know? “Those trousers of yours look a bit worn.” “They’re on their last legs.”—Lampoon. “Pardon me.” he said. ' ‘I bought this shirt here yes terday. However, I don’t like it and I wondered if I could change it at this counter?” “Oh, dear no,” she answered. "You’d better go in a private room.”—Widow. Have you got a good iina bull? Write It dawn. The Lemon Punch can use it.