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About Oregon emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1909-1920 | View Entire Issue (May 11, 1918)
Ye Campus Gossip • o o hy Anna L. Beck Madeline Slotboom SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENT The freshmen faced that awful frown, She tremoled in her boots, “Why do you look me up and down? I prithee, pray don’t shoot!” Miss Cummings dolefully shook her head Seizing the poor frosh by the collar, “Report at one,” she sadly said, “Or pay the Registrar a dollar.’* * | The freshman stood in an angel robe Before the terrible three Whilst they did carefully pinch and probe And chuckie with fiendish glee. i “Chest measure is only seventeen, One lung is gone, I guess, Your neck is very loi^ and lean. Your weight should be much less. “I fear you have no heart, my dear, I fail to hear it beat. Good heavens! what a hideous ear, And oh, what awfui feet! “And do you ever clean yonr teeth, Scrub them six times a day With formaldehyde and yeast To take the germs away? “Now let us test yonr only lung, I fear that it’s not strong; nsert this tube beneath your tongue And blow loth loud and long. “Ah yes, it’s just as I had thought: Tours is a hopeless case, Good posture you have ne'er been taught, * Your vertebra is out of place. •Wow here upon this spot please run Until I tell you cease— A mile is usually done— The pulse should not increase.” “Am I quite vrong?” the freshman cried. And trembled all the while: Miss Cummings shook her head and sighed: "W-ell—ah—you have a lovely smile.” ‘‘Although one foot is in the grave And you’re as good as dead, Corrective gym your life will save, While standing on your head. •Eat sawdust soaked in turpentine, ’Twill surely improve your feet, While the tender needles of the pine Will make your figure neat. “And after six months’ practice, dear, A change you’ll surely see: Tour contour will not be so queer— You’ll be as nice as me!” One Act Tragedies in Our Midst or fPhy George Swooned at the Switch Characters! George Turnbull.Heavy Lead Sweet Girl Copy Reader .Ingenue Child Reporter .Juvenile Chorus of Copy Readers. Scene: Copy desk in Emerald office. Enter Child Reporter and flings story in face of Heavy Lead. H. L. chokes and disengages story, inspects it and hands to Sweet Girl Copy Reader. H. L. to S. G. C, R.—Write headline JOHN B. BELL | Candidate for Joint Senator of Lane and Linn Counties. I Stands for sane and busi nesslike legislative sessions, fewer and more effective laws and for a vigorous and straight out policy in every thing pertaining to the pro secution of the war. 100 Per Cent American. Paid Adv. Pearl Craine Lucile Morrow over this story about Bob Cosgriff or ganizing en'iiusiastic home guard at Mable. S. G. C. R. bites fingernails and gazes devotedly at copy. Intelligent expres sion illuminates face. Business of writ ing. Hands headline to H. L. H. L. (reading): Mable enthusiastic over Cosgriff. H. L. fails in faint. Chorus bear earthly shell of H. L. to corner drug store. Quiet. S. G. C. R. searches desk. S. G. C. R.—Oh d-e-a.r! I’ve lost uiy head about Cosgriff. Curtain. REEL STUFF or Could Conklin Camouflage Cop Scene: D-a-r-k corner on Eleventh. Time: Lave—too late. Characters: Wayfarer. Policeman on beat. Enter Policeman. Cavorts back and forth toying with club. Polishes star. Enter Wajfarer. Gyrations and hesi tations. More hesitations. Coquettes and telephone pole. P. O. B. (As ever the serjflint of the people): What is your name, my good man? Wayfarer (follows fence), C-Conklin. sir. P. O. B. (Casting his eagle eye): Oh, a self-filler! Curtain. THAT LEFT OVER PUNCH ’Twas goodly punch they did imbibe: Those stay-at-homes on Christmas tide. Of flavor mild enough, one thought, Until one supped, and supped—then caught A dim, unsought-for blend of things That to the Engering palate brings A memory of mustard pickles That holds its own spell—they trickles, Outdone by that spoon of Worcestershire That by this time seems well the peer, Until outstripped by sweet and sour That struggle for some worldly power. That bright rich color cbuld, I thins, Obtain from draughts of good red ink Fused through these dashes, chunks, and sprinkles. All stirred in a bowl with spoon that tinkles. But crowning glory! An oily sheen; That floats on top with tints of green; And grainy crumbs—oh, ingenious mor tal!— Dredging their way to the gastric portal. What can !t mean? 'Twould raise your hair! This final blend—this climax rare! 'Tis simply told: Twas gained, I ween, By adding chalk and kerosene. BRAINS BIPLANE TO BUNK ‘Twas before June exam and I sat at my table Cramming on notes ’till no more was I able; To think in a manner extremely specific My head was so crowded with things scientific, WEen mil of a sudden I saw a strange vision Which spoke to me thus in a tone of derision: “You have spent all your time in the gay social whirl,— you’ve walked with a girl; You’ve danced, and you’ve dreamed, and you’ve loafed on your job.” Sure, the voice that I heard was the voice of Dean Straub. Then I saw on the opposite side of the room Professor Barnett standing stiff as a broom. Just ent’ring the room was Professor Cote Daintily wending his delicate way. With feet carlessly draped on the top of my desk Sat Dean Eric Allen surveying the Test, While conversing at length in a manner prophetic Was Old Socrates and his friend Dr. Rebec. L sprang to my fedt with * cry of great wonder As I heard from above me a voi<;e like the thunder: Twas Professor James Gilbert, whom most of you know By his fondness for “P’s” 'and the mark just below. Through the window there came in the fast deepening dusk The psychical form of Doctor DeBusk a test Concerning blond hair and the width of the chest. rhere was A. Fergus Reddie, the cam ouflage wonder, Disguising Prof. Sweetser as a wild cucumber. s Dr. Edmondson came on a large kan garoo heading the animals in two by two, knd “Timmy” Cloran, with a blink of his eye, bracked a ladies’ Home Journal joke quite on the sly. 1. C. Howe with a grin both derisive and slow Said. "Explain to me clearly, what does an egg know?” Librarian Douglass came close to my ear And hissed through his teeth, “No talking in here.” But Crockett and Prescott in words strange and long Were debating with zest, "Is the world right or wrong?” From behind a great desk loaded full with newspaper* Peered George Turnbull—the shy— watching all these queer capers. Prof. Thacher then said in a manner so proper: “English ain’t spoke round here in the way that it oughter.” Dr. Sheldon then said, “It’s the fault of the teacher,” And a quarrel seemed booked as the next special feature; But the strains of strange music came down from the heavens Lured from the piauo by John Stark Evans. He banged and he crashed in a musical way Executing a classical rag of the day. Then they all ’gun to dance with a wierd ghostly step Exhibiting joyful, undignified “pep.” Then slowly these wraiths disappeared from my view And their voices came back in a tone that I knew Saying: “You've majored -entirely in bunk, And you haven’t a chance, for to-mor row you’ll flunk!” YE PARABLE OF YE CAMPUS LUNCHEON 1. And how it came to pass that in the reign of Prince Campbell the Junior Week-end was at hand. 2. And the Student Council did rise up saying: Behold, our people do fight ngainst the heathen and verily is our University sorely pressed, therefore open ye wide the portals of your house holds and bid the high school students icome. 3. And some of the women of the senior household did bestir themselves and did so go unto other senior women nud say unto them: Lo, give unto us fifty cents that we may cast it into the pot and feed the coming multitude and those that are already at hand. 4. And likewise did the junior women cast Shekels into the potj and they didst say to the sophomore and fresh men women: Go ye and prepare salads and sandwiches and see to it that they contain neither eugar, butter, meat, nor yet any wheat. And these women did exclaim and wonder greately at that and the Senior Council did rise up and eay unto them: The Lord will provide. 5. And so it came to pass that upon the appointed day did the multitude, and those that followed after them, array themselves in their fine linen and silk umbrellas, and did betake themselves in their high-heeled shoes unto the cam pus luncheon. 6. And now many men did come out from the shady places of the campus and interpret the Scriptures, saying: Blessed are we that have not worked for we shall eat. 7. And they ate everything they could command 'Vith their hands and as many as were not already, made hogs of themselves. 8. And behold, in the midst of the feast, certain riotous youths did ap_ proach unto the women who were given charge over the food, and didst say unto them: Varily, hath the High Priest Hoover singled Friday from amongst the other days of the week and de clared it lunchless day What I want to know is, when do we eat? 9. Whereupon didst the maidens rise and smite them right soundly with sub stitute sandwiches so that they cried out and were carried from the campus h.v their bretbern. And for many days they toiled not, neither did they epiu, nor looked they in the mirror with any satisfaction. THE LITTLE, GRAY SUIT (The freedom of verse.) There are little gray bathing suits Up in the women’s gym— And they have letters —Black— Upon their chests; And when you put one on —At first— It shriuks—like the violet —And the flannel shirt— And most chokes you. \ And then, You step into the water, And lo! You freely breathe— Nfey, expand! Like rubber it has stretched You know not when; AND HOW IT CLINGS! And thee from each —And every— Little gray bathing suit They cut A piece— And put them all together And make Some extra little grays Amen! To shrink, And strotch, And cling again!! Loves of Ordnance mon remind us We should never waste our time, And departing leave behind us Pins upon white waists to shine. Don't You Ever Get Hungry? Conic in and Try Our JUNIOR WEEK-END SPECIAL LUNCHEONS. The Oregana THE STUDENT SWEET SHOP. 11th and Alder—Near the Campus. Kuykendall Drag Store 870 WILLAMETTE STREET. PHONE 23. IF YOU HAVE A THIRST Leave it at our fountain and the parting will be pleasant. Malted Milks Our Specialty BETTER HURRY! It is none too early to make arrangements for next Winter’s Slabwood Supply. THE BOOTH-KELLY LUMBER CO., 5th and Willamette. Phone 452 SPRING TIME - PICNICS - GOOD TIMES TAKE A KODAK With you on those long hikes, picnics and trips up the race! You will always be sorry if you don’t keep a picture record of your College Days, and right now, during the spring, is the Time to Start In. As for the Prices: You can find Kodaks here to suit any purse. Whether you want a 75c picture machine or a $60 Camera, we have it. Vest Pocket KODAKS $7.50 $9.50 $13.50 Many good films are spoiled in finishing owing to the lack of experience on the part of the one who does the developing. Avoid this annoyance, bring your films to us. Wc are equipped to give you the BEST Results. "The Service-Giving Drug Store” Linn's Drug Store 0. B. Pennington. o 5. R. Stevenson.