i Th News-Review, Roseburg, Ore. Thurs., Dee. 29, 1949
Wanted: Couch Shrinker!
Santa's Measurement Wrong
By HAL BOYLE
NEW YORK, UP) "Have a nice Christmas?"
No thanks, I just had one. What I am looking for now It a
bear trap to catch Santa Claui.
It'i a long story. Sit down and I'll tell It to you.
My Christmas started out real
nice. I got dozens of friendly
'messages. Some of them were
from well known people. The
governor of Michigan sent me a
Christmas card. And so did Dor
othy Lamour, Roy Rogers, Morey
Amsterdam, comic Sid Caesar
and pretty Margaret Phelan, the
red-haired warbler at the Wal
dorf. And somebody sent a scarf.
Another fellow sent a bottle of
. bourbon to help tide up over the
water shortage. And, naturally,
I got a necktie. It came from a
bachelor. It was a delicate pur
ple and decorated with 15 nak
ed ladies, seated, with hands
clasped over their knees. I In
tend to offer the whole tie to the
Museum of Modern Art, as I
would feel a little silly going
around with 15 unclad ladies
' dangling from my neck. Who
wants to look like a sales cata
log of French postcards?
But the pleasantest part of my
Christmas was the goodwill ex-
?rcssed on cards sent by readers,
thought It was kind of them
indeed to take time out from
their own busy day to send a
greeting to a guy they'd never
met except in a newspaper, one
old Irish lady In Denver wrote:
"May God bless you and keep
you in gooa neaitn."
Well, I went home from work
last Friday feeling good about
everything.
"What do you most want Santa
Claus to bring you?" Frances
asked.
"I asked him to bring me a
couch for my brown study," I
said.
"T wouldn't amaze me If he
did, Rover boy," said my wife.
My "brown study" Is a utility
bedroom that I have been trying
for three years to convert into
a workplace. In that time I have
furnished It with a rug, a desk,
a chair, some books and a type
writer. But It needed a couch.
A couch Is as essential to a col
umnist as it Is to a psychiatrist,
as all really deep thinking Is done
horizontally.
Well, a few hours after I got
home there came a rap on the
nour. inree perspiring express
men stood outside.
"Santa sent you a couch We
are his little helpers," they said.
"Sign here. Where ya want It?"
They lugged In the pillows and
the mattress and the slide-out
understructure and put them In
the brown study. Then, grunting
and groaning, all three lifted the
heavy couch frame. They bore it
through the living room.' But it
stuck in the door leading to the
study.
"Easy does It turn It around,"
said the straw boss.
Seventeen tries later he said:
. "It just won't go in. It's too big
for the doorway'
So they carted It back Into the
living room, set It on its side,
and left saying:
"Sorry Mac. Merry Christmas
to all."
And there the couch frame Is
now still on its side In the liv
ing room. I have to climb ovor
It to sit in my reading chair. And
what we are going to do about ii,
I don't know. Couches don't
shrink and doorways won't ex
pand. I
Santa Claus just forgot to make
a few measurements. And you
know what I'd like to do? I'd
like to go to his house at the
North Pole and wait until he took
Mrs. Claus out to the movies.
Then I'd like to put a big horse
in his bathtub and tie Jt to the
faucet with a sign saying:
"Merry Christmas bah, humbug!"
NO-GUN MAN STILL ALIVE
DENVER. (m The way
to keep out of trouble in an old
time Colorado mining camp was
to leave your gun at home, Frank
Stewart says.
Stewart avoided "lead poison
ing" so nimbly that next year he
will celebrate his 92nd birthday.
Stewart lived in Tincun. a Gunni
son county gold camp, at the tlms
it was noted lor tne high mortal-
Load up your clothesline
With wash, soaking wet.
If I hit a clothespole,
You'd be re-washing yH
BERGH'S
Appliance Service
1200 8. Stephen ' Phone 80S
ity rate of Its law tnforcement
officers.
"There was rough young boys
from all over the country, but
they weren't really gunmen," the
pioneer mining man said. "If they
knew you had a gun, though,
they often shot just to get in the
first one. If you didn't carry a
gun, nobody searted shooting."
HOW TO GET HURT!
SAN BERNARDINO, Calif.
W) The display case in police
Chief William D. Gilchrist's outer
office features:
A razor blade inserted Into a
section of rubber hose. If the fio
tim gets hit he gets cut. If he
grabs It the atacker pulls It
through his hand. No hand. A
slim little knife with a string
attached to the handle. Hung
from the back of an attacker's
neck, he can whirl It Into a vie
tim. A bicycle chain with a fric
tion tape handle. It leaves a char
acteristic indentation on a skull.
An iron ball on the end of a
chain. A piece of lead-loaded pipe,
neatly bound with tape. Both
headache material.
The chief's advice to persons
confronted with such playthings
in the hands of hoodlums: "Do
nothing. There's always the
change he mav not use it If he
does, pray that his aim is bad. .
Eugene Motorist Hurt By Hit-And-Run Driver
ASTORIA, Dec. 28. -OPh- A
Eugene motorist, struck while
checking his stalled car, was in
a hospital today with a com
pound left leg fracture and in
ternal injuries.
The motorist, Donald Blakely,
22, told police he was checking
the fuel pump on his car when
another car struck him and con
tinued on at high speed. It hap
pened during a heavy rainstorm.
The accident occurred Sunday
between Astoria and Seaside but
was not reported by police until
yesterday. .
FAMILY POSTOFFICE
BAR HARBOR, Me. m
A grandfather, father and son,
all named Tobias Roberts, have
been postmasters at this famed
summer resort community.
The first, appointed by Presi
dent Martin Van Buren,' served
from 1838 to 1853 and from 1858
to 1861. The second served from
1870 to 1871. The incumbent took
over In 1936.
MIRRORS
PAGE LUMBER
164 E. 2nd Ave. P
ft FUEL
Phone 24?
WANTED
Men to Train
For Real Estate Appraisers
Age 21 to 60. Must be resident of this county 'two or
more years. Competent appraisers receive $1 75 to
$325 per month. Farm experience valuable.
Writ
Box 135 eo News-Review
Look ahead to 1950!
Let your New Yeor'i Resolution be to do your
1950 business with a home-owned, home
operated bank. All modern banking facilities
available, including safe deposit boxes and
night depository service.
Douglas County State Bank
Member . . . Federal Deposit Insurance
Corp.
The gang at the City Drive In Market takes this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy and
Prosperous New Year. Our 1950 pledge is we will continue to sell at Roseburg's lowest
prices during the coming year.
WE WILL BE CLOSED MONDAY, JANUARY 2nd
No. 2 Can Libbys
Crushed Pineapple
:-23c '
1-Lb. Jar Shady Oak
Pure Strawberry
Preserves
2-Lb. Pkg. Armour's Cloverbloom
CHEESE FOOD
75c
It's tops, it's
Armour's Star!
No. Vi Can Sea Bird Light and Dark
TUNA FLAKES
(IP
IPC
PICKET
PANCAKE FL0US
Now ... a good, low-priced pancake flour.
5 LBS. . ,35c 10 LBS... 67c
A New Type Foaming Cleanser
r AJAX CLEANSER
We made a full 1,000 pound quantity jl m
purchase to sell at this low price.
Full 46-Oz. Can Old South
ORANGE JUICE
25c
3-Lb. Can
SPRY SHORTENING
69c
MEAT SPECIALS
LEAN
SLICED BACON lb. 39c
MORRELL'S SHORT SHANK
PICNIC HAMS lb. 33c
STEER BEEF
ROUND STEAK lb. 65c
SHOULDER OR BLADE
BEEF ROASTS lb. 45c
SHOULDER
PORK ROASTS lb. 35c
FRESH
PORK HOCKS lb. 23c
PURE
PORK SAUSAGE lb. 35c
SMOKED
bacon Jowls ib. 25c
BOB'S PRODUCE
U. S. NO. 2
POTATOES .
TEXAS PINK
GRAPEFRUIT.
.25 lbs. 69c
3 for 27c
MUSTARD GREENS 2 bun. 19c
RED RIPE
TOMATOES.. . .. lb. 23c
LARGE NAVEL
ORANGES
lb. 6c
Large Package Duz, Oxydol, Tide
SOAP POWDER ... 25c
After Christmas Clearance
Reg.. 89c Candy
Peppermint Wreaths
29c
22-OZ. CAN MORRELL'S
BEEF STEW . .... . 47c
NO
IVi CAN SACRAMENTO
YELLOW CLING PEACHES
25c
Large Cello Package
CANDY KISSES
6-oz.
19 c
14-OZ. BOTTLE VAN CAMP'S
CATSUP : . 15c
3-LB. PACKAGE
POWDERED SUGAR. ...... 29c
No. 1 Oval Can Booth'i
SARDINES
Mustard or
Tomato
15c
1-LB. PACKAGE ARMOUR'S
SHORTENING
5-LB. LONG JOHN TIN
LUMBERJACK SYRUP
COOKING SALAD OIL
21c
79c
MAZ0LA, quart . .. .. . . . . 59c
LARGE PACKAGE WHITE KING, DREFT, RINSO
SOAP POWDER
25c
POCKET TINS PRINCE ALBERT, VELVET
PIPE TOBACCO. ... .. .10c
CRISCO AND SNOWDRIFT
SHORTENING . . . . . . 3-lb. can 79c
WESSON OIL, qt. .. .. 59c
NO. 303 CAN DEL MONTI
CREAM STYLE
CORN
2 7 23c
STORE HOURS
Weekdays.. . .9 a.m. to 8 p.m.
Sunday and Holidays . . 9 a. m. to 7 p m.
Absolutely no tales to dealers. Wt reserve the right
to limit quantities. Grocery specials good Friday,
Saturday and Sunday.. Meat and Produce prices ef
fective Friday and Saturday.
Beat the Price by Saving Twice! City Drive-In Market Features Lower Prices