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About The news-review. (Roseburg, Or.) 1948-1994 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 29, 1949)
i Th News-Review, Roseburg, Ore. Thurs., Dee. 29, 1949 Wanted: Couch Shrinker! Santa's Measurement Wrong By HAL BOYLE NEW YORK, UP) "Have a nice Christmas?" No thanks, I just had one. What I am looking for now It a bear trap to catch Santa Claui. It'i a long story. Sit down and I'll tell It to you. My Christmas started out real nice. I got dozens of friendly 'messages. Some of them were from well known people. The governor of Michigan sent me a Christmas card. And so did Dor othy Lamour, Roy Rogers, Morey Amsterdam, comic Sid Caesar and pretty Margaret Phelan, the red-haired warbler at the Wal dorf. And somebody sent a scarf. Another fellow sent a bottle of . bourbon to help tide up over the water shortage. And, naturally, I got a necktie. It came from a bachelor. It was a delicate pur ple and decorated with 15 nak ed ladies, seated, with hands clasped over their knees. I In tend to offer the whole tie to the Museum of Modern Art, as I would feel a little silly going around with 15 unclad ladies ' dangling from my neck. Who wants to look like a sales cata log of French postcards? But the pleasantest part of my Christmas was the goodwill ex- ?rcssed on cards sent by readers, thought It was kind of them indeed to take time out from their own busy day to send a greeting to a guy they'd never met except in a newspaper, one old Irish lady In Denver wrote: "May God bless you and keep you in gooa neaitn." Well, I went home from work last Friday feeling good about everything. "What do you most want Santa Claus to bring you?" Frances asked. "I asked him to bring me a couch for my brown study," I said. "T wouldn't amaze me If he did, Rover boy," said my wife. My "brown study" Is a utility bedroom that I have been trying for three years to convert into a workplace. In that time I have furnished It with a rug, a desk, a chair, some books and a type writer. But It needed a couch. A couch Is as essential to a col umnist as it Is to a psychiatrist, as all really deep thinking Is done horizontally. Well, a few hours after I got home there came a rap on the nour. inree perspiring express men stood outside. "Santa sent you a couch We are his little helpers," they said. "Sign here. Where ya want It?" They lugged In the pillows and the mattress and the slide-out understructure and put them In the brown study. Then, grunting and groaning, all three lifted the heavy couch frame. They bore it through the living room.' But it stuck in the door leading to the study. "Easy does It turn It around," said the straw boss. Seventeen tries later he said: . "It just won't go in. It's too big for the doorway' So they carted It back Into the living room, set It on its side, and left saying: "Sorry Mac. Merry Christmas to all." And there the couch frame Is now still on its side In the liv ing room. I have to climb ovor It to sit in my reading chair. And what we are going to do about ii, I don't know. Couches don't shrink and doorways won't ex pand. I Santa Claus just forgot to make a few measurements. And you know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go to his house at the North Pole and wait until he took Mrs. Claus out to the movies. Then I'd like to put a big horse in his bathtub and tie Jt to the faucet with a sign saying: "Merry Christmas bah, humbug!" NO-GUN MAN STILL ALIVE DENVER. (m The way to keep out of trouble in an old time Colorado mining camp was to leave your gun at home, Frank Stewart says. Stewart avoided "lead poison ing" so nimbly that next year he will celebrate his 92nd birthday. Stewart lived in Tincun. a Gunni son county gold camp, at the tlms it was noted lor tne high mortal- Load up your clothesline With wash, soaking wet. If I hit a clothespole, You'd be re-washing yH BERGH'S Appliance Service 1200 8. Stephen ' Phone 80S ity rate of Its law tnforcement officers. "There was rough young boys from all over the country, but they weren't really gunmen," the pioneer mining man said. "If they knew you had a gun, though, they often shot just to get in the first one. If you didn't carry a gun, nobody searted shooting." HOW TO GET HURT! SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. W) The display case in police Chief William D. Gilchrist's outer office features: A razor blade inserted Into a section of rubber hose. If the fio tim gets hit he gets cut. If he grabs It the atacker pulls It through his hand. No hand. A slim little knife with a string attached to the handle. Hung from the back of an attacker's neck, he can whirl It Into a vie tim. A bicycle chain with a fric tion tape handle. It leaves a char acteristic indentation on a skull. An iron ball on the end of a chain. A piece of lead-loaded pipe, neatly bound with tape. Both headache material. The chief's advice to persons confronted with such playthings in the hands of hoodlums: "Do nothing. There's always the change he mav not use it If he does, pray that his aim is bad. . Eugene Motorist Hurt By Hit-And-Run Driver ASTORIA, Dec. 28. -OPh- A Eugene motorist, struck while checking his stalled car, was in a hospital today with a com pound left leg fracture and in ternal injuries. The motorist, Donald Blakely, 22, told police he was checking the fuel pump on his car when another car struck him and con tinued on at high speed. It hap pened during a heavy rainstorm. The accident occurred Sunday between Astoria and Seaside but was not reported by police until yesterday. . FAMILY POSTOFFICE BAR HARBOR, Me. m A grandfather, father and son, all named Tobias Roberts, have been postmasters at this famed summer resort community. The first, appointed by Presi dent Martin Van Buren,' served from 1838 to 1853 and from 1858 to 1861. The second served from 1870 to 1871. The incumbent took over In 1936. MIRRORS PAGE LUMBER 164 E. 2nd Ave. P ft FUEL Phone 24? WANTED Men to Train For Real Estate Appraisers Age 21 to 60. Must be resident of this county 'two or more years. Competent appraisers receive $1 75 to $325 per month. Farm experience valuable. Writ Box 135 eo News-Review Look ahead to 1950! Let your New Yeor'i Resolution be to do your 1950 business with a home-owned, home operated bank. All modern banking facilities available, including safe deposit boxes and night depository service. Douglas County State Bank Member . . . Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. The gang at the City Drive In Market takes this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy and Prosperous New Year. Our 1950 pledge is we will continue to sell at Roseburg's lowest prices during the coming year. WE WILL BE CLOSED MONDAY, JANUARY 2nd No. 2 Can Libbys Crushed Pineapple :-23c ' 1-Lb. Jar Shady Oak Pure Strawberry Preserves 2-Lb. Pkg. Armour's Cloverbloom CHEESE FOOD 75c It's tops, it's Armour's Star! No. Vi Can Sea Bird Light and Dark TUNA FLAKES (IP IPC PICKET PANCAKE FL0US Now ... a good, low-priced pancake flour. 5 LBS. . ,35c 10 LBS... 67c A New Type Foaming Cleanser r AJAX CLEANSER We made a full 1,000 pound quantity jl m purchase to sell at this low price. Full 46-Oz. Can Old South ORANGE JUICE 25c 3-Lb. Can SPRY SHORTENING 69c MEAT SPECIALS LEAN SLICED BACON lb. 39c MORRELL'S SHORT SHANK PICNIC HAMS lb. 33c STEER BEEF ROUND STEAK lb. 65c SHOULDER OR BLADE BEEF ROASTS lb. 45c SHOULDER PORK ROASTS lb. 35c FRESH PORK HOCKS lb. 23c PURE PORK SAUSAGE lb. 35c SMOKED bacon Jowls ib. 25c BOB'S PRODUCE U. S. NO. 2 POTATOES . TEXAS PINK GRAPEFRUIT. .25 lbs. 69c 3 for 27c MUSTARD GREENS 2 bun. 19c RED RIPE TOMATOES.. . .. lb. 23c LARGE NAVEL ORANGES lb. 6c Large Package Duz, Oxydol, Tide SOAP POWDER ... 25c After Christmas Clearance Reg.. 89c Candy Peppermint Wreaths 29c 22-OZ. CAN MORRELL'S BEEF STEW . .... . 47c NO IVi CAN SACRAMENTO YELLOW CLING PEACHES 25c Large Cello Package CANDY KISSES 6-oz. 19 c 14-OZ. BOTTLE VAN CAMP'S CATSUP : . 15c 3-LB. PACKAGE POWDERED SUGAR. ...... 29c No. 1 Oval Can Booth'i SARDINES Mustard or Tomato 15c 1-LB. PACKAGE ARMOUR'S SHORTENING 5-LB. LONG JOHN TIN LUMBERJACK SYRUP COOKING SALAD OIL 21c 79c MAZ0LA, quart . .. .. . . . . 59c LARGE PACKAGE WHITE KING, DREFT, RINSO SOAP POWDER 25c POCKET TINS PRINCE ALBERT, VELVET PIPE TOBACCO. ... .. .10c CRISCO AND SNOWDRIFT SHORTENING . . . . . . 3-lb. can 79c WESSON OIL, qt. .. .. 59c NO. 303 CAN DEL MONTI CREAM STYLE CORN 2 7 23c STORE HOURS Weekdays.. . .9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Sunday and Holidays . . 9 a. m. to 7 p m. Absolutely no tales to dealers. Wt reserve the right to limit quantities. Grocery specials good Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. Meat and Produce prices ef fective Friday and Saturday. Beat the Price by Saving Twice! City Drive-In Market Features Lower Prices