U. S. Budget Problem Solved Fewer Towels For Senators!
$7000 Worth of Mineral Water
All Wet; Politicians Must Be
Using It To Soften Up Beards
By Elwood UMman
I HAVE spent all my spare time
this week trying to find ways
and means whereby the Govern
ment can cut down expenses. After
carefully studying the national
balance sheet for 1035, I hit upon
come ideas.
Take the U. S. Senate. Col. Ed
win A. Halsey, its secretary, re
ports that total expenses last year
' amounted to $3,206,852. The list
starts off as follows:
Senate salaries $923,138.00
Vice President's
salary 14,437.00
Investigations 236,000.00
Mineral water 7,000.00
Laundering 5814
towels 31.08
Two neckties ' for
Vice President's
chauffeur 2.00
We might as well start off with
the neckties. Now nobody Is sug
gesting for one minute that the
Vice President's chauffeur go
around without a necktie (though
this would, for once, focus a great
deal of attention on the Vice
President). The purchase was not
only reasonable, but commend
able. It was very sweet and
thoughtful of the Senate to buy
the two tiea for the chauffeur,
and I'm sure he appreciates it.
I have seen a picture of the
chauffeur sitting up in the front
seat of Mr. Garner's car and
proudly sporting what seems to
be one of the new cravats. An
other man might resent wearing
a dollar cravat Whllo recognizing
the need for Government econo
my, he might take the position
that neckwear, especially his
neckwear, Is no item on which to
start scrimping. He mig.it hold
out for $2 ties and tell them to
make up the difference by cutting
that $080,600,000 appropriation
for the Postofflce Department.
But , Mr. Garner's chauffeur
soems to be perfectly well satis
fied with this tie. The pattern is
very striking, not to say demon
strative, and I'll bet it was the
Committee on Indian Affairs that
went shopping for it.
HOWEVER, I am not finding
fault with the pattern. It's
the price. If the committee is
elated at having got by for $2,
I'd like to point out that if they
had waited for the January clear
ance sales, the two ties could
have been purchased for 8u cents
apiece, a saving of 22 cents.
I realize that 22 cents is pretty
small, but still It's something and
.shows the Government what can
bo done not only In buying ties
Mystery Ships No. 3 '
H. M. S. WASP
FIGHTING VESSEL THAT
VANISHED IN 1887
THE sensation of the autumn of
1887 whs a wire from Hong
Kong to the UritlHh Admiralty:
"No trace of Wfwp. Gunboatfl
returned. Searched coasts of Co
cl'in China and Hainan."
H. M. S. Wrt.ip had vanished,
to Join that list of missing ships
of which nothing Is heard; an
other mystery of the sea.
She was a new type of gunboat.
Her armament was six guns, her
engines 1000 horsopower, and sho
had a displacement of 670 tons
as sturdy a fighting vessel as ever
was built, and sister ship to six
other powerful gunboats built
along the same lines.
Without mishap' she had
reached the Malay Peninsula, then
sailed from Singapore for Shang
hai never to be seen again. The
voyage should have taken 16
days, with a stop at Hong Kong.
She nover saw Hong Kong or
any other ship on her trip.
The unsolved mystery wns
what happened to the U'n..jf Did
ha founder in a typhoon? Did
PAGE FOUR ' k
for Mr. Garner's chauffeur, but
In handling everything else on
that expense list. The little sums
add up, you know, and by effect
ing small economies here and
there, it will be possible to make
a sizeable reduction in that three
billion dollar deficit estimated foi
1036.
Investigations will go on, I sup
pose, but I'd suggest that the
committees watch their expenses
a little closer, especially food bills.
For instance, I can't see any point
in spending $1 for a table d'hote
breakfast in a hotel's main dining-room
when you can get one
equally satisfying for less than
half the amount in the coffee
shop. What if the service isn't so
fancy 7
No. 3, for example, offers
orange juice, hot cakes and coffee
for 25 cents. No. 4, 35 cents, is
orange juice, toast, coffee and two
strips of bacon with one egg. 1
am just trying to show the Sena
tors that they can dine hand
somely without being extrava
gant. Mind you, I'm not suggest
ing that they stint themselves. I
am the last person in the world
that would want our Senators
going around looking thin and
emaciated.
Now let us take up that $7000
Item for mineral water. Can it be
that the Senate is obsessed with
the old bugaboo that tap water is
contaminated by bacteria? If so,
I would like to point out that we
do not have scare-cats In the
House of Representatives. At
least, I do not find any claim
from" them for mineral water.
They bend unflinchingly over
drinking fountains.
OP COURSE, It is possible
they are taking chances,
just to save the $7000, or what
ever it would cost to supply the
House with mineral water. But
their strenuous life demands
prime physical condition and
proves, I think, that the danger
is Imaginary.
Getting back to the Senators, I
wouldn't want to deprive them of
their mineral water If It would
make them nervous and unhappy.
But $7000 seems a lot for it, even
. allowing for the thirst they get
making speeches. I wonder If
they're shaving with it, too? Or
possibly they aren't getting the
deposits back on the bottles.
The Item that causes me the
most concern, the one I am least
able to understand, Is "$31.98 for
laundering 5814 towels for the
U. S. Senate." It appears not once
on the list, but many times.
I would like Secretary Halsey
to check this item again. Maybe
some other more terrible fate
overtake her? It is rare that a
ship goes down without leaving
bits of wreckage. Usually she
goes to pieces first. When the
bulk sinks, parts of the vessel are
left afloat. The Wasp left nothing
at all for rumors to feed upon.
Did sho run ashore along the
coast through mishandling? Was
she then plundered by pirates,
who did away with the crew and
destroyed the ship? The captain,
It was later learned, did not like
his command. He felt that his of
ficers were Inexperienced, and his
own responsibility was too heavy.
Strangely, she was the second
Wimp to be lost within a few
years. The first went down off the
west coast of Ireland In heavy
weather because of "hail naviga
tion on the part of the f leers."
In both cases seamans. ' p may
have been at fault.
The H. M. S. M'tup Is one of the
few Ironclad vessels In all mari
time history to disappear without
a trace.
Just picture those 5814 towels stacked up to the ceiling In the Senate washroom. And think of the
dreadful consequences that would ensue If an earthquake occurred.
some of the Navy's expenses got
Into his report by mistake. Maybe
ft should read, "for laundering
6814 towels for the Asiatic Fleet."
WITH 97 men In the Senate,
including the Vice Presi
dent, It means that each man has
ABOUT
k farmer writes
' ,,-,aVd company inc.,
119 West 4Utn
evI Yorfc City,
Gentlemen:
-I 4 v-as
Ijy 60 ye"1" .Y And i
lLoB cigarettes. b1bo1i1iib
riav our
DOUBLE. MONEY. BACK OFFER
as made to smokers since Oct 6, 193S
TAKE sporting chance on a pack ol DouhU-MtUovt
Old Golds. Smoke ten of the cigarettes. If you don't
say they're the finest you've ever tasted, mail the package
wrapper and the remaining ten cigarettes to us, any time
before May 1st, 1936, and well send you douhlt the prica
you paid (or the full package, plu$ pottagt.
(Etbliihed 1760) V
1 1 9 Weil 40th Street, New York City
for his personal use 59 and a
fraction towels. (If they rounded
out the total to 9820, It would
make an even 60.) I cannot see
the justification for all these
towels. Suppose a Senator washes
up four times a day, each time
l(nite-Mttlw OLD
Solo . I0
amber 16,
-:Tam an old
nen he takes good, reaso
....... on SO.
rX-,, (TLD Wv
fcurnt as. J$ tongue stinging
nave a man s " ?, P trand.
, -Sours truly
jerry Hurley
niece,
Made from
PRIZE CROP
TOBACCOS
using separate towels for his
hands and face, (Note: I am not
accusing him of taking fresh
towels to shine his shoes with.)
Even on this recklessly lavish
basis, he would only use up eight
towels a day, or 48 a week. He
W.
K cuss,
i
old GUi3
,uu"
te tnat. ,.
Betty,
And More Care In Buying Ties
For Vice-President's Chauffeur
Might Give Taxpayers a Break
would still be left with 11 towels.
Now I am not complaining
about the Senators sprucing up.
I am sure cleanliness should be
encouraged tn everyone. It is a
fine reflection on this country
when Its Senators go around all
day long with their faces bright
and shiny and their ears clesn.
But they seem to be going over
board on It. I mean they are keep
ing too clean for the good of the
budget.
After all, 5814 towels is a lot
of burlap. Perhaps it Is the Sen
ate's way of keeping up cotton
prices.
Just picture those 5814 towels
stacked up to the ceiling, row on
row, In the Senate washroom. And
think of the dreadful consequences
that would ensue if an earthquake
mm
GOLDS
fr.r
V
Snapshot of Jerry Hurley taken last Fail by h:
Jerry's farm ia located on a mountainside,
Wellsviiie. N. Y. (Post
9.
m
m an
occurred and a couple of Senators
got caught in an avalanche of
towels. I doubt that rescue crews,
digging' furiously, could get to
them inside of 48 hours.
ALL. THOSE Senators not suf
focated by towels would be
drowned by the overturned jugs
of mineral water.
I hope our lawmakers will take
this little treatise to heart If I
can only persuade them to cut
the number of towels in half, to
a mere 2007. they might get in
the habit of halving everything.
And the next time the Army
puts in a requisition for 300
bombing planes and the Navy de
mands a new super-dreadnaught,
they will give the Army 150
bombing planes and the Navy a
light cruiser and a mine sweeper.
f!
7
is brother John
8 miles from
Office, Scio.)
f. UffHCft..!M.
iv iii mi i