THE DALLES WEEKLY CHRONICLE, FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 1892.
AN AVERAGE MAN.
A realistic niory '
Without any guxu or glory.
With no sentimental limelight
' And no firework display,
'Bout a poor old ignoramus
Who was Dover rich our famous.
And whocouMn't ignite the river,
. - And who worked out by the day.
A Tery common fellow
Was this Ebenezer Weller. .
With the usual bharc of virtues.
And with vices two or throe;
He'd no fatal gift of beauty.
But an average sense of duty,
Neither very good nor evil
Just about like you and me.
And h9 wed an average woman,
. Tery nice and very human.
Just about like Ebenezer. .
Net! her very good nor bad:
Oft in harmony they'd warble.
Often they would scold and squabble.
But they loved each other dearly.
And they couldn't continue mad.
Never hud enough on Monday
To supply the house till Sunday,
Never made enough in April
To support themselves in May:
If tbey worked bard in November,
They must work bard in December,
And t be coarse bread of tomorrow
Was the hard work of today.
They worked on, grew gray and grayer.
Vet they never made him mayor.
And she plucked do social honors.
And bis waues still were small.
Then the load or years grew weighty.
And they died when they were eighty.
And tbey put them in the graveyard.
And they left them there. That's all
A realistic story
Without any gush or glory
Yet this fellow Ebeuezer
Represents the human clan;
Bis the average share of pleasure.
His the average lack of leisure.
His the average joy and sorrow
Of the common average man.
Sam Walter Fobs in Yankee Blade.
; MIGGLES' SPEECH.
Griggs was washing himself, and was
in a hurry. The telegraph had run
heavy all afternoon; unusually heavy.
"Nothing startling." Griggs said, when
the editor asked him how the wires were
working, "only the news seems to pour
in from all quarters." Griggs was glad
when supper time came. He had an en
gagement that evening and anticipated
pleasure.
Suddenly a change came over Griggs'
face. His hands, dipped into the water
to lave his face and neck, were with
drawn suddenly and placed on the edge
of the basin, as ho listened to the voice
of the editor, who was standing at
Grigg's desk.
"Are you there, Griggs? Here's a dis
patch from Ground Hog's Glory. From
Higgles. On his way to Pompey Smash.
Look here a moment, Griggs."
Griggs snatched at the towel, dried
himself as he approached his room and
faced the editor.
"Griggs, this is of the very first im
portance." Griggs' manner indicated earnest at
tention. "1 may tell you hi confidence, Griggs
that Higgles' speech must go in to
night. No matter what else is crowded
out, on - uo account must you permit
Jliggles' speech to be abbreviated by so
much as a liue. I would remain my
self, but 1 have an engagement thaf
can't be broken as important, in fact,
as this speech of Higgles', which is the
turning point in the canvass for the dis
trict. A change of forty or fifty votes
yes, twenty at. Pompey Smash, will
elect or defeat him. Griggs. I predict
it will make Higgles."
"All right." Baid Griggs as the editor
left his room. He was putting on his
coat when Simmott returned.
"Put a good head on it. Griggs some
thing that will catch the eye." Simmott
was moving away the second time when
lie halted, turned back, and dropping his
voice said: "1 may as well tell you. It
will be known soou anyhow. Higgles'
election means a good deal, a vast deal,
tome. So keep a sharp lookout. See
that the speech goes in all right no mis
takes or ridiculous errors."
"All right," said Griggs. He glanced
' at the dispatch Simmott had laid on his
desk as the editor and proprietor of The
31orning Star hastened away. Then he
..whistled up to ths composing room and
inquired if Daggs was there. Daggs was
there,, and in answer to Griggs' request
hurried down, as by previous agreement.
"See here, Daggs; we've a dispatch
from Higgles. He has ordered us to
print his speech the speech he will
make at Pompey Smash this evening.
Here it is." Griggs pulled a drawer
out, brought out three proof slips and
handed them to Daggs. "Now, as you
are going t run this thing tonight for
me, I want you to ba sure there are no
errors in it. 1 gues3 I'd best crack a
head on it for you before I go the main
thing is to see that it goes in. That is
Simmott's imperative orders. No mat
ter what is left out if the president dies
you mustn't leave Higgles' speech out.
I'm sorry it so happens i must be off to
night, but it's all plain sailing. You've
run my desk often enough to know, just
what to do. That's all, Daggs. I'll send
the head up take the speech and give i,t
to the foreman to get in hand at once."
When Daggs withdrew, Griggs sat
down, dashed off a few lines, looked at
them, whirled them up the elevator and
went out. He was engaged; was to be
married in a fortnight, and as a matter
of course dismissed The Horning Star,
Higgles and his speech from his mind
before he reached, the corner. What
young man would not who was on his
way to his supper, with the certainty of
enjoying an evening with his affianced
at the theater?
- "See here, Burton," said Daggs, as he
re-entered the composing room hastily,
"Griggs gave me imperative orders
from Simmott to get this in hand at
once. Best run it out first thing. Hind
t no matter what else ' is left out Hig
gles speech goes in."
"AH right," answered Burton. The
foreman took the 'proof slips, clipped
them up into twenty-one pieces, lit a
fresh cigar, and inside of ten minutes
Higgles' speech was in the hands of
twenty-one printers. The foreman was
enjoying a minute's rest, when a whistle
disturbed him. - He rose and answered
thecalL - ' .
"That you, Burton?" "",
"Yes what's wanted?" -v
"It's me," said a voice from the count
ing room. . "In a hurry going out of
town a few miles unexpectedly won't
be back. Get Griggs to look after things
forme. Ta-ta!"
"All right," Burton answered, in bliss- J
ful ignorance of the arrangement Griggs
had made with Daggs.
Almost at the same moment the night
clerk, who was in the rear of the busi
ness office, was calling by the telephone:
"Hello, there. Star office!"
"Well," said the clerk, fumbling for
his pencil, and making ready for a new
advertisement.
"That you, Baker?". ' ; . . .
"Yes, sir." . . "j
It was the proprietor's voice. He had 1,
popped into a drug store to speak to the i
night editor.
"Parker there!" .
"No, sir." ' ' ,
"Well, tell him when he comes to see j
Griggs at once. Do you hear?" . v ;
"Yes. sir.". v .-' ' ;j'
"Have given Griggs special orders. ;
Tell him. Got that?" , . 1
"Yes. sir. To tell Hr. Parker you've j
given special orders to Mr. Griggs, and j
for Hr. Parker to be sure and see
Griggs." ;
"That's all." V.
The night clerk went to his desk and
was soon immersed in his labors. In the
upper story of The Star establishment
the foreman was discussing in a desul
tory way Bigger's chances against Hig
gles' for the congressional plum."
"What sort of a place is Pompey
Smash, anyhow? Daggs? Ever been j
there?" - i
"No: but Griggs has. There's a lot ;-
of moss backed Democrats over there !
the sort that vote for Jackson and Van: ;
Buren, and opposite there is another loi !
of straight laced, stiff backed Presbyte- 1
rians nosurrender written nil over 'em.
"Anything in this speech of Higgles"?"
"Blest if I know." . ;
"What's the point what makes him
go out to Pompey Smash to fire off?
Oh! Why, it's a mighty close vote, i
you know. As near as I can make out,
the idea is to" tickle the people there to i
honor them with the opening speech to
have the people talk about the speech
Higgles made at Pompey Smash. A
hundred votes, one ' way or the other,
will settle it; everybody knows that
"I see," said the foreman.
Then he turned around, and lifting
his voice said in tones that could be
heard by all in the composing room: .
"Boys, pull out on Higgles' speech. I
want to get it in early."
Then there was silence in the compos
ing room.
The wires worked well that night.
The night was a repetition of the day.
Daggs was up to his eyes in news from
all quarters. "Nothing stunning," ashe
called up to the foreman; "just a steady
glut of slush from all sources that could
be chopped off any place and never be
missed.'
When a newspaper office is in order it's
surprising how smoothly everything'!
i runs. The Morning Star was run on a i
sound system; so thorough that although !
the proprietor and editor, business man- j
ager and telegraph editor were absent
they did not seem to be missed. '
Along about 2 o'clock in the morning j
Daggs thought he would run upstairs!
once more and see how the speech looked j
in type.
"Looking for Higgles' speech?" asked j
the foreman. "There it is three col
ums." Daggs glanced over the form. . It was
all right.
"Yon read the proof I sent it down
to you or, rather, the revise."
"I looked at it 1 guess it's all right,"
and Daggs returned, to his desk, whist
Just then a messenger laid a fresh dis- j not to print. This will defeat him. The
patch on his table. Daggs glanced at ' papers will never let up on it. Thepeo
the clock. "Two fifteen." He handed ; pie at Pompey Smash will never forgive
the boy back his book after acknowledg- j Higgles for making them ridiculous,
ing the receipt of the message, and be- t It's bad enough to asstone that his bal
can to whistle asrain as he tore it oneu. ! derdash could influence them or turn a
Daggs' lips retained their position but
no sound escaped them. The message
was from Pompey Smash, and contained
four words: - '
"Don't print Higgles' speech."
Daggs was dumfounded. He rushed
to the pipe; he was going to call to the
foreman, when he bethought himself.
He turned the dispatch up to the light.
It was filed at 8:30. What did it mean?
There was an initial appended what it :
was he could not make out. Possibly i.
was a ruse a trick of the opposition. :
He ran up stairs and laid the mysteri-
ons message down before the foreman,
"What do you think of that. Burton?"
"I don't think anything. There's only
one meaning it says plainly; 'Don't print j
Higgles' speech;' and here we are prints i
ing it."
"Well, but Griggs' orders were to
print it. What made Simmott be so par- i
ticular about this speech? Why, he must
have suspected a trick. Anyhow my j
orders are imperative."
"Take myedvice no, I'll have to con-'T
suit Parker. He's night editor, and he
is the man to decide." ' :
The foreman whistled to the counting
room:
Hr. Parker there? Send him up at !
l
"Not here." droves of stock that are continually find-
"Whereishe?" '; mg their way to the different markets of
"Hasn't been nere tonight. Thought j the world; by the monotonous song of
he was up there." f the cat on the backyard fence, and by
"Do you know anything about this j the pumpkin vine whose climbing ten
speech of Higgles', Baker?' j drils shade the entrance of a summer
"No; never heard of it." . kitchen; by the whole earth and sea and
"Look around see if there's a note or ! all that is in them, I pronounce you man
message there for me anybody!" and wife, and may the Lord have mercy
A minute elapsed. ' '-. ' on your souls." Yankee Blade.
"Nothing here."
Here's a pretty kettle of fish," said
the foreman, turning to Daggs. "What
am I to do. You've got precious little
time to decide. In or out which is it?
I can chuck the form full of miscellany
and stuff lying over here in or out?" .
"Obey orders if we break the owner"
said Daggs, with Napoleonlike decision.
Ten minutes later the forms were in
the cellar, and twenty minutes " after
that Higgles' speeches were thrown out
on the folders by hundreds. - Daggs went
down to the pressroom, brought , up a
handful of papers, returned, to the com
posing room and laid them down before
Burton. - '"'; . . . , .'
"Looks all right, Burton." "
The foreman picked ' the paper up,
hefd it in his hand a moment, glancing
over it with a critical eye, then laid it
down. v
"A pretty good first page.' The head
looks first rate.' You can pop a head on
with Griggs, Daggs," ' .' ' ;
A footstep ' sounded, near. It was;
Griggs. . . ' ;,' " ' " j
"I in fact, I was detained later than t
I expected, DaggS, SO just stepped around
to see how you were getting on. . That
confounded speech of Higgles' has run
in my mind all night."
"Nothing else?' -.'- ; .
Burton and Daggs laughed.
."Gh, I see it's in all right" .
' . ".What's that, Griggs?"
It was-the night editor.
I got back earlier than I expected, and
run up 'to see if everything is right.
What's this?" . '
. "Higgles speech, delivered " over at
Pompey Smash. Mr. Simmott gave me
special orders to get it in tonight.? .
: Griggs held a paper up and read; .
V ZIP! ZIP!! ZIP!!!
FIRST BALL Or THE CONGRESSIONAL CAltP AION
- ' 6ET IS MOTION BY THE BAND Or. '
: ; ALOXZO ADOLPH0S HIGGLES.
POMPEY SMASH IX A BLAZE or IJKFABAL
LXLED ENTHUSIASM.
A Masterly and Lncid Analysis of the Momen-
tons Questions Involved in the Issue of
the Seventy-seventh District.
'Reads all right, Griggs," said Parker,
"but if I had been here I'd have left that
and' out. .. If it was masterly, of course
it must have been 'lucid' see?"
" "No. I don't ' see,"- said Griggs,
.IVe" - . '
' What Griggs was going to say is lost
to the world, for at that moment Editor
Simmott looked.over their shoulders,
"What is it, Parker?"
His gaze "was riveted double riveted,'
in fact on The Horning Star. His eyes
were held by the type as the poor bird is
said to be fascinated by the snake before
it devours it. Then he slowly lifted his
hands. His mouth opened but no words
came from it. His emotions overpowered.
him,- rendered him' .speechless. Then
there was a sound like the cracking of
heavy paper, ana the torrent came. For
at least two minutes and a half possi
bly a second more not one of his auditors
knew what Simmott said.
Then the blizzard of adjectives les
sened to a gale; from a gale to a spank
ing breeze, from: a steady breeze to the
gust that tosses the leaves between the I
fitful raindrops. .'j. . . . ' ' . '.
"Didn't you get my message, Parker?' I Her Equals miunk.'
"I was not here; was away all night." j Not long ago two young girls were
"You you got it, Griggs?" j traveling "out west," says a writer in
"No. sir.I was off. too-I got Daggs the Xew York World. As. the train
torun my es -. ,,., ' stopped at a station two ladies entered
Simmott groaned. Daggs looked like , , . . ....
. bov c.-m-ht in the act of at-dint? fl and took seats directly in front of them.
melon. . . '
'.'Did you get my message. Daggs?"
"Yes, sir; but"
"Stop! I won't hear a word." said Sim-
mott.
"Yes, you will, Hr. Simmott," said
riggs, wim a wniwj race uus resoiuio
eye. "Your orders were imperative. I
told Daggs so. No matter what came,
he was to print Higgles' speech."
The calm that ensued was much more
impressive and disagreeable than the
blizzard that preceded it.
"Let me see the message."
Daggs brought it out, and Simmott
turned it over in an absentminded way
in his hand.'
"What is wrong, Hr. Simmott?
The editor gave the night editor one
; glance. It spoke volumes,
i . "Nothing nothing only Higgles was
.'delayed; did not get to Pompey Smash
! at all. Consequently he did not make a
! speech. Eis cousin, Bill Carruthers,
: met me and told me he telegraphed us
vote. . It's worse to palm off a speech on
the public he never made at Pompey
Smash or anywhere else. Higgles is
ruined now and forever."
.' It was true. A hundred Horning
Stars were flying to Pompey Smash with
Higgles' great effort as the editor spoke.
There was war along the' line for
thrice ten days. Not a man in Pompey
Smash voted for Higgles. There was
war in The Horning Star office, but
peace came over it speedily and calmed
the disturbed elements like a dose of
soothing sirup.
The editor, Parker, Griggs every-
body had the good sense to see and ac-
knowledge it was a concatenation of
circumstances unavoidable in the best
regulated families,, and today, when
anything whimsical or humorous stirs
The Star, Simmott or Parker or Griggs,
his partners, will refer to "Higgles
Great Effort." David Lowry in Pitts
burg Bulletin.
One Form-of .Marriage Ceremony. '
The following is a southwestern Mis
souri form of marriage ceremony: "By
the authority vested in me as a squire in
i the state of Missouri; by the golden fields
of com and wneat tiat wave to and from
1 1 V 1 1
Candy Stores and Saving! Banks,
The funds in the school savings banks
would increase much more rapidly if
confectioners could be induced to locate
off the direct avenue to public schools.
As it is, the child who safely runs the
gantlet of all the saccharine tempta
tions set in his daily path and deposits
his pennies' intact in the school bank,
will make a citizen who mayperhaps be
trusted with the funds of a larger bank
at some later day. Boston Common
wealth. ' ',..
. - An American Girl.
She knows no Latin, she knows no Greek,
But the purest American she can speak ;
She knows the use of her and she,
Arid' the proper places of I and me,
She doesn't uee big words to tell . " . '
A story, although she can use them well;
In short, she's a girl without pretense,'
With an ample supply of common sense.
And I'd rather have her any day . .
i Then the girl who can parley voo fongsay.
Brandon Bucksaw.
, AS TO TOBACCO. '
K Scientist Says Several Good Words In
' Favor of the weed. -
Frora Au The Year Around:
.It has long been a popular opinion that
tobacco is an antiseptic, and the belief
seerae to have some solid basis of fact.
Professor Vineeezo Tassinari,. of the
Hygienic Institute of the University
of Pisa, receiitly made some very inter
esting experiments on the supposed
germicidal - virtues of tobacco- smoke,
which seems to show that it really had a
destructive action upon the growth of
bacilli, those minute organisms which
are said to be the cause of a "vast num
ber of bodily ills that flesh is- heir to.
Professor Tassinari observed the action of
the fumes upon seven different kinds of
bacteria the so-called cholera bacillus,
the, cattle distemper bacillus,' the pus
coccus, the finkler-Prior bacterium, the
typhus and pleuropneumonia bacillus
and the bine pus bacillus.
Wishing to imitate as closely as
possible the process going on in a .smok
er s mouth tlie professor passed tobacco
fumes through a horrizontal tube into a
receptacle kept moist by damp cotton
wool, which contained also a colony of
baccilli. Ihe result showed that the
smoke retarded the growth of others.
The tobacco experimented with was
that which is used in making the large
Cavour ' cigar, much favored in Italy,
and it was proved that its' fumes retard
the growth , of pus bacilli by seventy-1
two nours, ana ot cattle distemper Dacini
bv one hundred hours, while they abso
lutely arrest the growth of the eo-called
i cluolera and typhus bacilli. If Professor
I Tassinarrs results may be relied upon
it is evident that not only is tobacco not
the deadly enemy of man and it is
singular with what eagerness man takes
to so many of his . deadly enemies bat
in many instances it is his great friend,
not only, by way of solace, but as a
warder ofl and destroyer of deadly germs
that insist ou colonizing his body and
turning it to their own uses.
Just as they 'were seated -a stout lady
came forward, greeted them effusively,
and the trio kept up a lively conversa
tion until the train started. Then one
of fhem said : "Sit down here near us,"
and in a little lower tone:'. "Tell those
girls to sit somewhere else.". So the
stout one turned round and said in the
most freezing of tones :"
"I wish to converse with my friends
and would like that seat. I am Mrs.
Preside-t R of this road."
' The girls stared at her for "an instant
and then one of them drawled :
"Pleased to meet you, I'm sure. I
suppose you know I am Mrs. President
Harrison'of Washington," and the other
girl, settling herself comfortably in her
seat, said :
"And I am Mrs. Queen Victoria."
There was an audible smile from the
other passengers and the stout lady
went to her own seat in the rear. Chi
cago yews. '
Ancient Butter in the Boga of Ertn.
Louisville Courier-Journal :
Numerous specimens of ancient butter
are to tie seen in the Irish museums,
which were discovered during the past
I century by peasants engaged in digging
peat. Some of them were, dug from
! depfhsof ten, fifteen and even eighteen
feet below the . surface' of the ground.
and considerable antiquity must be
allotted to the finds, although no abso
lute data exists by which the average in
crease of bog soil may be calculated.
Examples of this butter weigh as much
as thirty and forty pounds and upward,
and are identified" by the numerous hairs
of reddish color, as being the. product of
the cow. Th butter is found packed in
hollowed vessels of wood, and in masses
of irregular form.' The latter are usually
surrounded by a ' layer of moss, and at
times have an . additional covering of
linen cloth. The object of thus burying
butter in peat or immersing it in bog
water would appear to be for its preser
vation under circumstances and in dis
tricts where salt could not be procured.
Ordered Her Admission to Heaven
Puris Letter to rhicatfo Herald. '
A cut ious custom of the Greek church
was illustrated at the funeral the other
day of the yonhg Grand Duchess Paul
of Russia. Before the coffin was closed
the metropolitan placed a written paper
in the right hand of the corpse, which
read : "We, by the grace of God, pre
late of the Holy Russian church, write
this to our master and friend, St. Peter,
the gatekeeper of the Lord Almighty.
We announce to you that the servant of
the I-ord, her imperial highness, the
Grand Duchess Paul, has finished her
life on earth and we order you to admit
her into the kingdem of heaven without
delay, for we have absolved all her sins
and granted her salvation. You will
obey our order on sight of this document
which we put into her hand.'1
All things considered Sherman county
is one of the best in the state, and the
homeseeker desiring to get good land at
a nominal figure can do no better than
to steer straight for Sherman. No
cheaper land in the state can be had
than right here. The real estate market
never has been very active, consequently
no excitement or flurry has been caused
in this line. Wasco News.
THE DALLES MERCANTILE CO.,
. . (Successors to BROOKS BEERS.) 7
The Dalles, -. - - Oregon.
Jobbers and Dealrs In
fferjefal JJeMaiidi, - 5- i
j&aple and FanciJ Dfjj (frod?,
Gents' Furnishing Goods, Boots and Shoes,
Hats and Caps, Etc.
Staple and Fancy Groceries. Hardware, Flour, Bacon,
' Headauarters for
Teas, Coff:es, Dried Fruits, Canned Goods, Etc.
HAY, GRAIN AND PRODUCE
Of all kinds Bought and Sold at Retail or in Car-load
Lots at Lowest Market Rates.
Free Delivery to Boat and Cars and all parts of the City.
" i ' . -X : .'..
3QO 334 8ECOH"D STBEBT.
EOBT. 35CA."3rS-
MAYS &
SALE AGENTS FOR
' 'Reovn "and"
STOVES AND RANGES.
Jewett's Steel Baies, and Malta's anfl BoynM's Furnaces.
Ve also keep a large and complete stoek of
Hardware, Tinware Granite, Blueware, Silverware, Cutlery,
Barbed Wire, .Blacksmiths' Coal, Pumps, Pipe,
Packing,' Plumbers Supplies, Guns,
Ammunition and Sporting Goods.
Plumbing; Tinning, Gun Repairing and Light
Machine "Work a Specialty.
COB. SECOND AND FEDERAL STS.,
The E. 0. C(K)perative Store
CARRIES' A FULL LINE OK ' .
Groceries, Family Supplies, Boots and Shoes,
-ALSO A FULL LINE OF-
Carts, Eeapers ani Mowers, and all Ms of Auriciltflral
Corner Federal
THE DALLES,
Parley cfi?
.
(Successors to L. D.
mannfaciurers
A General Line of
Horse Furnishing Goods.
EE-iieiisra- promptly nd jsrurrxj-r zdozltje.
WMesale ani Eetail Dealers in Harness, Bridles, fnips, Horse Blanbts, Etc.
Full Assortment of Mexican Safltflery, Plain or Stamped.
SECOND STREET. - ' - . - THE DALLES. OB.
A. A. Brown,
Keeps fall assortment of
Staple and Fancy Groceries,
and Provisions.
which baoffert at Low Figures.
SPECIflli :-: PfllGES
to Cash Buyers.
HiiM Cash Priees for to anJ
otlier Frote, .
170 SECOND STREET.
Xj. e. cbowb.
CROWE,
THE CELEBRATED
Charter Oak"
THE DALLES, OREGON.
ts. ..
and Third Streets,
- OREGON.
Frank, deceased.)
OFALL
Harnesses
A NEW
Undertaking Establishment
PRINZ & NITSCHKE.
DEALERS IN
Furniture and Carpets.
We have added to our business
complete Undertaking Establishment,
and as we are in no way connected with
the Undertakers' Trust our prices will
be low accordingly.
Remember our place on Second street,
next to Moody's bank. ; .