AUGUST 1925
THE UNITED AMERICAN
Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside
Real Life—Little Thomas was viewing
a drama for the first time in company
with his mother. Came a moment in
the play when the hero and the heroine
began to quarrel violently. Thomas
turned to his mother with a look of dis
gust on his little face.
“Say, mamma, what are those people
fussin’ about?” he asked.
“Hush, dear, they are not really quar
reling, they’re only acting.”
Little Tom reflected a moment.
“Mama,” he said slowly, “you and daddy
act better than that.”
The X-ray has not helped man to see
through woman’s ways.
Thé unwritten poems and the unsung
songs make life endurable.
Ability to talk fiction is not necessarily
acquired through novel-reading.
Hunger might be defined as a neces
sary evil for the promotion of exercise.
The invalid realizes that he is on the
high road to recovery when he sees the
doctor’s bill.
Had His Doubts.—“I tell in with
some Scotchmen, and they gave me too
much whiskey,” exclaimed a man at
Lambeth.
Magistrate: “Are you quite sure they
were Scotchmen?”
A Well-earned Rest.—“Fellow citizens,”
said the candidate, “I have fought
against the Indians. I have often had no
bed but the battlefield and no “canopy but
the sky. I have marched over the frozen
ground till every step has been marked
with blood.”
His story took well till a dried-up
looking voter came to the front.
“I’ll say you’ve done enough for your
country. Go home and rest. I’ll vote
for the other fellow.”
His request.—A small boy was delighted
one day when a small fire in his father’s
house brought the firemen and the
engine.
“I say,” he exclaimed to the first fire
man he met, “I say, if there should be
a big fire here and you want to save
things, please don’t save my winter
flannels, because they tickle me.”
—Tit-Bits.
Foolish question.—Quick, give me a
round trip ticket,” gasped a man out of
breath, as he dashed up to the ticket
window with only one minute to catch
his train.
“Whereto?”
“Why, b-b-back here, of course, you
dumbbell.”
Small profit.—“What d’ye say, little
lady—I’ll give you a nickel for a kiss?”
“No, thank you, I can make more
taking castor oil.”
No such animal.—A cattleman bought
some handkerchiefs, collars, and ties in
a department store while on a trip to the
city. The young man who had waited
on him then asked very courteously if
he could not sell him some nightshirts.
“Now, look here, young feller,” began
the cattleman very earnestly. “I don’t
know what I want to tell you. I ain’t
one of them sassiety chaps what go to
dances and recepshuns. When night
comes I go to bed.”—Capper’s Weekly.
It was grandma’s bill.—Little Mary
went to the store for a piece of gingham
to make a dress for her doll, grandma
telling her she would stop in at the store
next day and pay for it.
“How much is it?” asked Mary as the
clerk wrapped it up.
“Well, if you’ll just give me a nice
kiss I’ll not charge you a cent.”
“But grandma said she’d stop in
tomorrow and pay for it.”
Long way around.—Chronic Borrower
—Say, Brown, are you using your lawn
mower this afternoon?
Brown—Why, yes, I expect to cut my
lawn.
C. B.—That’s fine; then you won’t be
wanting your tennis racket, I’ve broken
mine.
Pitcher didn’t leak.—Mother—“Where
are you going, Willie?”
Willie—“Down stairs to get some
water.
Mother—“In your nightie?”
Willie—“No, in this pitcher.”
Page Nineteen
to about one inch. The inventors have
designed a special sewing machine for
this purpose, which is said to be very
effective.
The new insulating material has been
tested by the Government Testing
Bureau with very good result, and may
be sold at a reasonable cost. In this way
it will replace the American Double-Ply
Quilt theretofore regarded as the best
insulating material on the market. The
inventor is M. Gustaf Bagge and a
factory has been erected for the manu
facture.
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Overbeck-Cooke Co.
| Stocks, Bonds, Grain and Cotton
| Members Chicago Board of Trade.
| Portland: Board of Trade Building.
| Pendleton, Ore., Walla Walla, Wash.
Direct Private Wires to Logan &
| Ryan, of New York and Chicago.
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Colors by Munsell Color Services Lab
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LIGHT
POWER
HEAT
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Northwestern Electric Co.
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Washington at Tenth
PORTLAND, ORE.
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CHOOSING A FRIEND
By Edgar A. Guest
If he will add one touch of grace
Unto your conduct or your mind,
Or help you to a higher place,
Then to his petty faults be blind.
It he inspires one nobler thought
By which your spirit can ascend,
Then, son of mine, I’d say you ought
To cherish him and be his friend.
If in his play you find him fair,
If to his vows you find him true,
If walking with him anywhere
You have no dread of what he’ll do,
If in his company you feel
Yourself a better man to be,
Then you have come to friendship real —
A comrade your love is he.
If he is higher bound and tries
To reach the finer things of earth,
Yet does not common truths despise,
Or sneer at men of lesser worth,
Then be he rich or poor, my son,
Stay by him to the journey’s end.
For deep as this must friendship run —
All this it takes to make a friend.
MOSS AS AN INSULATING
MATERIAL
In their search for an effective material
for insulation against heat, cold and
sound a couple of Swedish engineers
have decided to employ a variety of
sphagni, which, has proved very suitable
for this purpose. This so called white
moss grows chiefly in Sweden and
Russia.' The moss is dried in the air or
by means of steam, then carded and
sewn into mats of various thickness up
The place to trade
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STAPLES
The Jeweler
266 Morrison Street
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CLASSIFIED
Professions—Business
| _____ATTORNEYS__________
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NELS JACOBSON
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| 806 N. W. Bank Bldg. Main 4416 |
DAVID E. LOFGREN
I 1030 Ch. of Com. Bldg. Brd’wy 0462 |
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Phone Main 1165
Or. Harold G. Trommald
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DENTIST
Regular office hours every day
Evenings by appointment
805-807 Journal Building
| , Cor. Yamhill and Broadway,
Portland, Ore.
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Phone Main 4389
DR. LEIF UNDERDAHL
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DENTIST
Plate and Combination Bridge |
Work a Specialty
Office: 1221 Selling Building
Sixth and Alder, Portland, Oregon i
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Reg. Office Hours
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Eve. by Appointment
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Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why
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BROKERS