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MAY 1925
Page Seventeen
THE UNITED AMERICAN
Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside
Equal in the eyes of the Lord. — The
pillar of one poor, dying church in a little
town where there were three other
churches was asked:
“How's your church getting on?”
“Not very well,” was the reply; “but,
thank the Lord, the others are no better.”
A valid alibi. — “See here, you old
rascal, why didn’t you tell me this horse
was lame before I bought him?”
“Wai, the feller that sold him to me
didn’t say nothing about it, so I thought
it was a secret.”
Practice makes perfect. — A barber
reported to work two hours late.
“What’s the big idea?” demanded the
boss.
“I’m sorry,” replied the barber, “but
while I was shaving I talked myself into
a shampoo, haircut and massage.”
— Good Hardware.
Hard question. — “Are you laughing
at me?” demanded the irate professor,
of his class.
“No,” came the answer in chorus.
“Well,” insisted the professor, “what
else is there in the room to laugh at?”
— College of the Pacific Weekly.
He needed them. — A coolie in the
army applied for a pair of shoes. The
officer asked what condition his were in.
The coolie replied. “These soles are
so thin I can stand on a dime and tell
whether it’s heads or tails.”
Outwitted. — Jimmy giggled when the
teacher read the story of a man who
swam a river three times before break
fast.
“You do not doubt that a trained
swimmer could do that, do you?”
“No, sir,” replied Jimmy, “but I
wonder why he did not make it four
and get back to the side where his
clothes were.”
Latest make. — “Do you know, I be
lieve your husband is going to get loco
motor ataxia.”
“I shouldn’t wonder:— he has a perfect
mania for buying cars.”
— The Sydney Bulletin.
An advertising cow. — Little Jane was
walking in the country with her mother.
“Gracious!” exclaimed mother, “what
is that noise?”
“Oh, that’s a cow mooing — trying to
sell her milk,” said Jane.
-— The Progressive Grocer.
A day late. — Two Scotchmen decided
to become teetotallers, but McGregor
thought it would be best if they had one
bottle of whisky to put in the cupboard,
in case of illness.
After three days Sandy could bear it
no longer, and he said: “McGregor, I
am ill.”
“Too late,” said McGregor. “I was
ill all day yesterday!” — Good Hardware.
The polite witness. — “You’ve heard
what the last witness said” persisted the
counsel “and yet your evidence is to the
contrary. Am I to infer that you doubt
her veracity?”
The polite young man waved a depre
cating hand.
“Not at all” he replied. “I merely
wish to make it clear what a liar I am
if she's speaking the truth.”
— Everybody’s Magazine.
If allowed to live at all. — Wife —
This paper tells of a man who lives on
onions alone.
Hubby — Well, anyone who lives on
onions ought to live alone.
— The Progressive Grocer.
Hot air. — “How did you get your*
cold?”
“Got Chile on the radio last night”
— Puppet.
Wasteful man. — Hubby — Are you
aware, my dear, that it takes three-
fourths of my salary to meet your bills?
Wifey—Good gracious! What do you
do with the rest of your money?
— The Progressive Grocer.
No competition. — A Carrick trapper
reports that he has captured 41 shunks
this fall. Well, he’s .welcome to them.
— Hanover (Ontario) Post.
Safe place. — “How can I keep my
mince pies free from juvenile raids?”
asks the mother of a large family. Lock
the pantry door and place the key under
the soap in the boys’ bedroom, is my
advice. — The Passing Show (London).
“Let us bury the hatchet, my
brother,” said one army chaplain to
another of a different denomination.
“After all, we are both doing the Lord’s
work, you in your way, and I in His.”
— Churchman.
“Dad, did Moses suffer with indi
gestion?”
“I am sure I don’t know,” snapped
his father, whose temper was rather
soured by his infirmity.
“Well, I think he must have had it,
for our teacher told us Sunday that
God gave him two tablets.” — Councilor.
Such Actions!
A young widow sat in her deck
chair in the stern and near her sat a
very handsome young man. The widow’s
daughter, a cute little girl of four or five
years, crossed over to the man and said:
“What’s your name?”
“Tobias Smith,” the young man
replied.
“Is you married?”
“No; I’m a bachelor.”'
The child turned to her mother and
said:
“What else did you tell me to ask him,
■mamma?”
Gloomy Courtship
A young Scotchman fell in love with
a girl, but could not screw up courage
to ask her to be his wife. One day
a brilliant idea occured to him. He
took 'her to the local churchyard and,
pausing before a large tombstone, said:
“Jean, ma granfaither is buried here,
my faither is buried here, an’ ma maither
is buried here — in fact, a’ ma folk lie
here. Wud ye no like tae lie here, tae?”
They were married.1
Base Canard?
The boy furrowed his brow over the
examination questions, “What is a ca
nard?”
At last he wrote down his reply,
“Something you canardly believe.” He
still finds it painful to sit down!”
— London' Post.
Guess Where
At the head of a long line of would
be passengers he approached the ticket
window and inquired: “What is the
rate per mile in this state?”
In polite tones the ticket clerk ex
plained.
“Can I purchase a ticket good for
any day?”
This question was also answered, and
then — “How many trains have you
leaving daily?”
Another answer was given.
“Can I wait until this evening to buy
my ticket?”
Answer given in one syllable.
“Where can I go for $12.75?”
In grand chorus the entire line told
him.
— Pullman News.
Very Embarrassing
Doctor — “Your 'husband wiill be all
right, now.”
Wife — “What do you mean ? You
told me he couldn’t live.”
Doctor — “Well, I’m going to cure
.him. Surely you are glad?”
Wife — “Puts me in a bit of a hole.
I’ve gone arid sold all his clothes to pay
for his funeral.”
Grandma’s Mistake
Johnnie (to new visitor): “So you are
my grandma, are you?”
Grandmother: “Yes, Johnnie, I’m your
grandma on your father’s side.”
Johnnie: “Well, you’re' on the wrong
side; you’ll soon find that out.” — Ex.
An editor was dying, but when the
doctor bent over, placed his ear on his
breast, and said, “Poor man! Circula
tion almost gone!” the dying editor
shouted: “You’re a liar! We have the
largest circulation in the country.”
We Understand
When a plumber makes a mistake, he
charges twice for it. When a lawyer
makes a mistake, it’s just what he
wanted, so he can appeal (to your pocket
book). When a carpenter makes a mis
take, he boards it up and nails you with
the bill. When a electrician makes a
mistake he blames it on the conductor.
When a doctor makes a mistake, he
buries it. When an undertaker makes a
mistake, he just digs it up. When a
judge makes a' mistake,' it may become
the law of the land. When a preacher
makes a mistake no one knows the
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