Page Eighteen
“I hope/i she said, when he told her
about it, “that he’s a nice boy.”
“Yes, ma, he is,” replied Bobby en
thusiastically.
“Does he say any naughty words?”
questioned his mother.
“No,” replied Bobby with emphasis,
“an’ I ain’t going to teach him any.”
ECHO ANSWERS
If a freight train at a crossing
Hits an auto fair and square
There’s the freight train — Where’s
■the auto?
Echo answers, “Where?”
— Boston Transcript.
THE NEXT THING TO IT
“Ah, I wish I could find some place
where I could be cut off entirely from
the world.”
“Try a telephone-booth.”-—Exchange.
RESENTED FORM OF DECEPTION
Lady — “My husbund is a deceitfull
wretch. Last night he pretended to be
lieve me when he knew I was lying to
him.”
— London Mail.
MIXED TIME
Teacher — “How can you tell the
approach of winter?”
Pupil — “It begins to get later earlier”
— Karikaturen (O slo).
THE UNITED AMERICAN
mostly yo’ treats me right, but de trouble
is dis: Dere am too much shiftin’ of de
dishes fo’ de fewness of de victuals.”
— American Legion Weekly.
INTENTIONS WERE ALL RIGHT
Little Mary came into the house
bedraggled and weeping. “My goodness,”
cried her mother, “What a sight you
are! How did it happen?”
“I am s-sorry, mamma, but I fell into
a mud puddle.”
“What! With your best dress on?”
“Y-y-yess, I didn’t have time to
change it.”
Merely a Mistake. — To Pere Monsa
bre, the distinguished French preacher,
according to Lippincott’s, there came
one Sabbath, after mass, a lady who in
sisted that she must see him on an
affair of great importance. It was a
matter of conscience, and she explained
that she was most seriously disturbed.
In fact, she was sadly given to vanity.
That very morning, she confessed, she
had looked in the glass and had yielded
to the temptation of thinking herself
pretty.
Pere Monsabre looked at her. “Is
that all, my daughter?”
“That is all.”
“Then go in peace, for to make a mis
take is not a sin.”
HEADS OR TAILS
At a golf club one Sunday morning a
member turned up late. Ajsked why,
he said it was really a toss-up whether
he should come there that morning or
go to church.
“And I had to toss up fifteen times,”
he added.
— Ex.
A Regular Odessa. — The Longbow
man of the Minneapolis Journal says:
A stockyards poet once wrote an ode;
then a better poet came along and wrote
an oder, but it took one of those talented
Russian geniuses to dash off a regular
Odessa.
TOO MUCH CO-OPERATION
“I’m going to fire that proofreader,”
said the editor.
“Why?” asked the assistant editor.
“Why, he’s in the habit of letting
funny mistakes go through and then
bringing them to the columnist’s at
tention.”
— Atlanta Constitution.
SMILE WHEN YOU CAN
By Jack O’Connor
When things don’t go to suit you
And the world seems upside down,
Don’t waste your time in fretting
But drive away that frown.
Since life is oft perplexing.
It is much the wisest plan,
To bear your trials bravely,
And smile whene’er you can.
Why should we dread tomorrow
And thus despoil today;
For when you borrow trouble,
You will surely have to pay.
It is a good old maxim,
Which should be often preached:
Don’t cross the bridge before you
Until the bridge you’ve reached.
You would be spared mueh sorrow,
If you would keep in mind,
The thought that good and evil
Are always here combined.
There must be something wanting
And tho you roll in wealth,
You may miss from your casket
That precious jewel, health.
And tho you’re strong and healthy
You may have an empty purse;
This earth has many trials,
Which I consider worse.
But whether joy or sorrow,
Fill up your mortal span,
‘Twill make your pathway brigther.
To smile whene’er you can.
PROOF POSITIVE
Two Negro teamsters were arguing as
to how long craps shooting had been a
popular pastime in certain circles. “Ah
tell yuh hit was invented in the Spanish-
American War,” insisted Moses.
“Niggah, yoh ig-rance am shocking,”
declared Rastus. “A man wrote a book
called ‘Pair o’ Dice Lost’ befo’ Gawge
Washin’ton was bawn!”
HIS EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENTS
Harold — Oh, mother, I got one
hundred in school today in two subjects.
Fond Parent (kissing him) — Well,
well; in what subjects?
Harold — Fifty in reading and fifty
in arithmetic.
PUFFICKLY GOOG REASON
Chloride, the colored maid had an
nounced her impending departure.
“What’s the matter, Chloride?” asked
her mistress. “Aren’t your wages suffi
cient? Don’t we treat you right?”
“Wellum, de wages is all right an’
APRIL 1925
Statement of the Ownership, Manage
ment, etc., required by the Act of
Congress of August 24, 1912,
Of The United American published
monthly at Portland, Ore., for April
1, 1925.
State of Oregon,
County of Multnomah, ss.:
Before me, a notary public in and for
the state and county aforesaid, personally
appeared H. J. Langoe, who, having been
duly sworn according to law, deposes and I
says that he is the editor of The United
American, and that the following is, to
the best of his knowledge and belief, a
true statement of the ownership, manage
ment, etc., of the afoi esaid publication
for the date shown in the above caption,
required by the Act of August 24, 1912,
embodied in Section 443, Postal Laws and
Regulations, to-wit:
1. That the name and address of the
■publishers, the editor, managing editor,
and business manager are: Publishers,
The Northman Publishing' Co., 227%
Washington Street, Portland, Oregon;
editor and managing editor EL J. Langoe,
227% Washington Street, Portland, Ore
gon; business manager, J. A. Rowley,
227% Washington Street, Portland, Ore.
2. That the stockholders holding one
per cent or more of the total amount of
stock are: The Northman Publishing Co.
(incorporated) H. J. Langoe, B. G.
Skulason and W. Peterson, of Portland,
Ore., and H. S. Swenson of Los Angeles,
■California.
3. That the known bondholders,
mortgagees and other security holders,
holding 1 per cent or more of total
amount of bonds, mortgages or other
securities are: Security Savings & Trust
Co., Portland, Oregon.
4. That the two paragraphs next
above giving the names of the owners,
stockholders and security holders, if any,
contain not only the list of stockholders
and security holders as they appear upon
the books of the company, but also in
cases where the stockholders or security
holders appear upon thé books of the
company as trustee or in any fiduciary
relation, the name of the person or corpo
ration for whom such trustee is acting,
is given; also that said two paragraphs
contain statements embracing affiant’s
full knowledge and belief, as to the
circumstances and conditions under which
stockholders and security -holders who
do not appear upon the books of the
company as trustees, hold stock and
securities in a capacity other than that
of a bona fide owner; and this affiant has
no reason to believe that any other per
son, association or corporation has any
interest, direct or indirect, in the said
stock, bonds, or other escurities than as
stated by him. H. J. LANGOE, Editor.
Sworn to and subscribed before me this
1st day of April, 1925.
E. A. McGRATH Jr., Notary Public.
My commission expires February 6,1928
Doctor: “Do you talk in your sleep?’
Patient: “No; I talk in -other people’s.
I’m a clergyman.
He: “I’m going to kiss you when I go.”
She: “Leave the hou-se at once.”