THE UNITED AMERICAN
APRIL 1925
Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside
A Portland housewife stood and gazed
for several minutes at the meat which
the butcher had displayed on his counter,
with a keen eye ’as to its merits.
“Is that American mutton?” she in
quired at last.
“Well, madam, the butcher began
hesitatingly, “as a matter of fact, the
sheep was bom in New Zealand, but
“suddenly brightening up, “its parents
were Americans.
The Patient: “I hardly expected you
to call this morning, doctor.”
The Doctor: “Ah, well, you see, I’ve
got another patient up this street, and
I thought I could kill two 'birds with
one stone.”
Teacher: “if one man can build a house
■in twelve days, six men can do it in two
days.”
Bright Pupil: “Then if one ship
crossed the ocean in six days, can six
ships cross it in one day?”
The young mother asked the milk
delivery man if he kept any calves, and
smiled pleasedly when he said that
he did.
“Then,” she continued, brightly, “bring
me a pint of calf’s milk every day. I
think cow’s milk is too strong for baby.”
A Salem Grocer on his way to a
farmer’s house enquired of the maid if
the farmer was in.
The maid said -he was out with the
pigs at the back. You will know him,
she said, “as he has a hat on.”
Pat was annoyed at a boasting
American.
“Did you ever hear of the Dead Sea?”
asked Pat.
“Sure,” said the Yarik.
“Well, do you know,” said Pat, “that
it was one of my ancestors that killed it.”
Mr. Meekingham has great presence
of mind.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes. 'While he was proposing to
Miss Stronghead, instead of saying,
‘Wil you be mine?’ he said, ‘May I be
yours?’ ”
“What are you fellows on strike for
now?”
“Shorter hours.”
“Ah. I’ve always maintained that
sixty minutes is.too long!”
Young Hopeful: “Say, dad, what keeps
us from falling off the earth when we
are upside down?”
Father: “Why, the law of gravity, of
ecurse.”
“But how did folks stay on before
that law was passed?”
Observant Kiddy: “Oh, look at that
funny man, mother. He’s sitting on the
pavement talkin’ to a banana peel!”
A father, chiding his son for not
getting up early, told him as an induce
ment that a certain man being up in
good time found a purse containing
money.
“That may be,” replied the son, “but
the .one who lost it was up before him.'-’
“What do elephants have that no other
animals have?” asked the teacher.
“Little elephants,” was the surprising
reply.
Poet: “I put my whole mind into this
poem.”
Editor: “Evidently. I see that its
blank verse.”
Jimmy’s mother had told him to remain
near the window and watch for the bride
and groom, and tell her when he saw
them coming.
After waiting for some time nis
patience was rewarded, but he forgot
to run and tell his mother.
When they were quite near he re
membered suddenly and called out Justly,
“Mamma, here comes the bride and
gloom.”
Might Account for it
“He says he loves me, yet he has only
known me two days.”
“Well, perhaps that’s the reason, dear.”
—Stray Stories.
No Need to Pray
A bright little girl, aged four, and
her brother, aged six, were spending
the night with their aunt. When bed
time came the aunt asked them how
they said their prayers; The little girl
answered: “Somtimes I say them on
muddy’s knees and sometimes to the
side of the bed.”
“And how about you, little boy?
“0, I don’t need to pray. I sleep with
daddy.”
— Everybody’s.
A Moving Reminiscence
“Don’t you just love those slow motion
pictures of horse races?”
“No, they remind me too much of the
horses I always bet on.”
— Tulsa (Okla.) Tribune.
His Borrowing System
“Lend me $25.”
“Why not ask people who know you
better than I do?”
“Because I must have the money.
— Oslo Vikingen.
To Be in Keeping
First Flapper: “Now that Maud’s
engaged, she doesn’t speak to the rest
of us.
Second Flapper: No; her head is so
swelled that I understand they’re going
to throw puffed rice at her wedding.
— Progressive Grocer.
Another Ford Story
It was a hot, sultry day in a great
city. Seven cars were lined up in front
of a busy filling station. Third from the
end stood a leaking, steaming, rattling
little five-passenger. Jn due time the
line dwindled and the little five-passen-
Page Seventeen
ger found itself parallel with the gas
Pipe-
.
"How many?” the man asked impa
tiently.
“'One,” answered Mr. Fliv with the air
of a Rockefeller.
“One?” What cha’ tryin’ to do?
Wean it?”
Putting Him Right
The Entertainer— If any lady or
gentleman in the audience will call out
the name of some female character in
Shakspere, I will endeavor to portray
that character.
A Voice — Florence Nightingale!
The Entertainer — I said Shakespere,
sir; not Dickens! — Humorist (London).
It Served
Diner — But this menu is in French.
Waiter — Quite so, sir, but the prices
are in English, and that’s all most - of
our customers read, anyway. — Buffalo
Courier.
Necessary
Teacher — This is the third time you
have looked at William’s examination
paper.
Pupil — I know it. He doesn’t write
plain.
— Washington Star.
Futile Search
Johnny: “Dad; teacher said somethin’
today about findin’ the greatest common
divisor.”
Dad (in disgust):
“Great .Scott!
Haven’t they found that thing yet?
Why, they were huntin’ for it when I
was a boy!”
—Stray Stories.
Far, Far Away
A London boy .told the teacher that
his sister had measles. The teacher
sent him home and told hirii to stay
there until his sister had recovered.
After he had skipped joyfully away
another boy held up his hand' and said:
“Teacher, Jimmy Dolan’s sister what’s
got the measles lives in Liverpool.”
— London Express.
Discrimination
He -— Din’t you see me downtown yes
terday? I saw you twice.
She —I never notice people in that
condition.
Modesty
“What makes the leaves so' red?”
She asked him with a stare.
“They only blush,” he softly said
“To see the limbs so bare.”
Trouble Narrowly Avoided
Negro Passenger—Why don’t you-all
put your foot where it belongs ?
Tough Guy — If I did, you wouldn’t
sit down for a week.
DEMONSTRATED SALESMANSHIP
“Is he a good salesman?”
“He sold framed copies of the Declara
tion of Independence in England.— Judge.
SLIGHT SHOCK FOR MOTHER
Bobby had made a new friend, a 'boy
of whom his mother had never heard.
Place Your Orders With The United American Advertisers—and Tell Them Why