SEPTEMBER, 1924
THE UNITED AMERICAN
Bits of Humor for the Home Circle and the Fireside
A PRAYERFUL THRUST AT THE
COOK
P-------- is usually a self-possessed
young man; but the other day when
dining out he was unexpectedly called
upon to say grace, and the best he could
do was to deliver himself of the follow
ing:
“0 Lord, bless our sins and forgive
other substituted for his tin of pale
coffee and milk his own tin of milkless
black coffee.
When the first stevedore, plug in hand,
returned, he could hardly believe his
eyes.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve heard of clever
thieves, but to swipe the milk out of a
feller’s coffee beats the band.”
this food. Amen.”
A MEMENTO.
“I suppose you carry a memento of
some sort in that locket of yours?”
I “Yes, it is a lock of my husband’s
hair.”
“But your husband is still alive?”
“Yes, but his hair is all gone.”
SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES
“Do you know, they suspect that old
man of leading a double life.”
“What gives rise to that?”
“Why, he’s so mean and cross around
home that they think he must be
pleasant and agreeable somewhere.”
——
A LITERAL INTERPRETATION
I “How did the Queen of Sheba travel
[when she went to see Solomon?” asked
la Sunday scool teacher.
I No one ventured to answer.
| "Could she have gone by railway?”
“Yes’m,” said a little girl.
“Indeed! Well, we would like to
know how you found this out?”
“In the second verse,” responded the
child, “it says she came with a great
train.” — -Tit-Bits.
A DOUBTFUL REMEDY
In a rural community one of the school
teachers after having had her class sub
jected to a medical examination, wrote
the following note to the parents of a
certain little iboy:
“Your little boy, Charles, shows signs
of astigmatism. Will you please in
vestigate and take steps to correct it?”
To which she received a note in reply
saying:
“I don’t understand exactly what
Charles has been doing, but I have
walloped him tonight, and you wallop
him tomorrow, and that ought to help
some.” — Kansas City Star.
AN EYE FOR EASY MONEY
An expert golfer had the misfortune
to play a particularly vigorous stroke
at the moment that a seedy wayfarer
skulked across the edge of the course.
The ball struck the trespasser and
rendered him briefly insensible. When
lie recovered, a $5 bill was pressed, into
his hand by the regretful golfer.
“Thanky, sir,” said the injured man
after a glance at the money. “An’ whein
will you be layin’ -again, sir?”
A CLEVER THEFT
A group of stevedores were lunching in
a sheltered nook of a wharf. One of them
went across the street for a plug of
(hewing tobacco, and. in his absence an-
Colors by Munsell Color Services Lab
COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON
“■Sure,” said Patrick, rubbing his
head with delight at the prospect of a
Christmas box, “I always mane to do
me duty.”
“I believe you,” replied his employer,
“and therefore I shall make you a
present of all you have stolen from me
during the year.”
“Thank ye, yer honor,” replied Pat,
“and may all your friends and ac-
quintances trate you as liberally.”
AN ELECTOR’S QUALIFICATION
Adam Zawfox— Did ye ever try to
vote?
Job Sturky ■— Wunst; -but the jedges
wouldn’t let me. They said a man
wasn’t a legal voter if he never had no
washin’ done anywheres.
WHERE AMERICANS LIVE
“Where do all you Americans live?”
inquired the European.
“About 4,000,000 of us live in New
York,” answered the caustic American,
“and the rest of us live in caves.” —
Louisville Courier-Journal.
NO TIPS IN FINLAND
A country where there are no tips and
where small services are rendered to the
stranger without hope of reward would
seem hard to find — yet such a country
is Finland. — London Morning Post.
THE “SOFT” ANSWER
“You have been fighting again,
Tommy!”
“I couldn’t help it, mamma. That
Stapleford boy sassed me.”
“That was no reason for fighting. ’You
should have remembered that ‘a soft
answer turneth away wrath,’ and given
him a -soft answer.”
“I did. I hit him with a chunk o’ mud.”
THE MILKMAN’S ALIBI
The -milkman stood before her,
nerviously twirling his hat in his hands.
“So,” she said, sternly, “you have
come at last?”
“Yes, madam. You sen1
believe,” he replied.
“I wished to tell you that I found a
minnow in the milk yesterday morning.
“I am sorry, madam, but if the cows
will drink from the 'brook instead of
from the trough I cannot help it.” —
Harper’s Weekly.
HE NEEDED A DETECTIVE
“I want a detective,” roared the excited
citizen as he rushed into the police sta
tion. “There’s a fight going on in front
of our house, and if you don’t send me a
detective who is capable of finding a
policeman quick there’ll be trouble.”
JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT
A Temporary Affair.— Griggs:
Tom is married, eh? Briggs: Yes, for
the present. He’s married an actress.
—Boston Transcript.
The Modest Hunter. — “Can you show
me any bear tracks?” asked the amateur
Nimrod.
“I kin show you a bear,” the. native
replied.
“Thanks, awfully, old chap. Tracks
will suffice.’
Generosity. — Master Walter, aged 5,
had eaten the soft portions of his toast
at breakfast and piled the crusts on his
plate. “When I was a little boy,” re
marked his father, “I always ate the
crusts on my toast.”
“Did you like them?” asked the little
fellow, cheerfully.
“Yes,” replied the parent.
“You may have these,” replied Master
Walter, pushing his. plate across the
table. — The Delineator.
GOING INTO THE POLICE BUSINESS
A story is told of two new policemen
on the force in the city of Warsaw in
Poland. They did good work, they
arrested a lot of people, then suddenly
they resigned.
“‘Why are you resigning?’ the su
perintendent asked.
“The older of the two men answered
respectfully:
“ ‘We are going to- start a police sta
tion of our own, sir. Boris here will
make the arrests and I will do the
fining.’ ”
SHE COUNTED
A pretty girl in a hammock slung
in an apple orchard, awoke suddenly and
frowned at the young man who stood
before her. “You stole a kiss while I
was asleep!” she exclaimed.
“Well,” stammered the young man,
“you were sleeping so soundly — you
looked so pretty, so tempting, I — yes,
I admit I did take one little one.
The girl smiled scornfully, “One!”
said she. “Humph! I counted seven be-
fore I woke up.” — Cleveland Leader.
TRUTH AND KINDNESS
True worth is in being, not seeming—-
In doing, each day that goes 'by,
Some little good, not in dreaming
Of great things to do by and by;
For whatever men say in their blindness,
And spite of the fancies of youth,
There is nothing so kingly as Kindness,
And nothing so royal as Truth.
—Alice Cary.
CAN YOU SAY THE SAME?
A native born American member of a
party of four business men who often
lunched together took great delight in
joking the others on their foreign -birth.
“It’s all very well for you fe-llows to
talk about what we need in this country,”
he said, “but when you’ come to
think of it you’re really only intruders.