Wednesday, March 24, 2021 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon
A ripple in the waters of life
By Sue Stafford
Correspondent
Note: The death of a loved
one is a very personal experi-
ence. The person interviewed
for this story requested ano-
nymity, which is contrary to
the practice of The Nugget.
In this case, due to the nature
of the story and in order to
protect the privacy of those
involved, names have been
changed.
Drop a pebble in a pond
and the ripples spread out in
all directions. The death of a
family member can often be
like that pebble, with ripples
touching the lives of family
members in different ways.
Betty9s death impacted her
two adult children differently,
and having Partners In Care
Hospice House for the final
six days of life helped to facil-
itate the beginning of healing
for both of them.
Following the death of
her father, and at his request,
Karen sold her business and
her home in another town
and moved to Sisters to care
for her mother, for whom her
father had always done every-
thing. Karen9s role of care-
giver lasted for eight years. It
was difficult at times, due to
lifelong dynamics between
Karen and her mother. Karen
said that her mother9s philoso-
phy had basically been, <My
way or the highway.=
Karen9s sibling had long
ago separated from the family,
even dropping the family
name for a new one. During
the eight years Karen spent
caring for her mother, her sib-
ling would call occasionally,
making only one visit in per-
son. The last year of Betty9s
life, she never heard from her
child, despite leaving numer-
ous messages on voicemail.
Karen and her sibling lost
a sister in 1977. She and her
mother had unresolved issues
between them when she died,
something their mother had to
live with the rest of her life.
Betty had advanced osteo-
porosis in her spine, and sev-
eral weeks after a bad fall,
in which there were no bro-
ken bones, she began expe-
riencing excruciating pain.
An X-ray revealed that her
lumbar spine had collapsed.
After that, she went to bed
and stayed there. Her intrac-
table pain made it necessary
for her to enter St. Charles
Hospital in Bend in order to
receive more powerful pain
medication and prepare for
hospice. After two nights in
the hospital, the decision was
made to send Betty home and
enlist the services of Partners
In Care.
Betty left the hospital in
a wheelchair at about 4 p.m.,
transported to her home by
medical transport. Hospice
had already arranged for
delivery of a hospital bed.
According to Karen, when
Betty saw the bed, she fully
realized the end was near.
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Betty was home less than
24 hours when it became evi-
dent that Karen wasn9t able to
provide care for her mother.
Betty refused to take the pain
medication, pulled out two
catheters, and became very
agitated. Despite the arrival
of nurses several times dur-
ing the night and next day,
attempting to turn her mother
and change her diapers was
more than Karen could do.
<I was totally unprepared
to provide that level of care,=
Karen explained. <Finally,
a bed opened up at Hospice
House and my mother was
transferred there.=
Following her mother9s
transfer, Karen shared that her
sense of relief was palpable.
<The responsibility of
eight years was being lifted
off my shoulders. I could go
back to being her daughter,
and sit by her bed,= Karen
said.
<My experience at Hospice
House was extraordinary,=
Karen said. <The staff was
there but almost invisible in
their comings and goings.
They were all a really lovely,
kind, and helpful presence.
They never hovered but they
made sure my mother was
comfortable. They were very
careful as they planned ahead
of time to turn her. I didn9t
9
To make a donation to the Partners
In Care Hospice House Capital Campaign, checks or
pledges may be sent to: Partners In Care, 2075 NE Wyatt Ct.,
Bend, OR 97701, indicating the donation is part of the Sisters
Challenge. Donations by credit or debit cards may be made
online at www.partnersbend.org/campaign indicating the
Sisters Challenge. For more information contact
Marlene Carlson at 541-706-1335.
encounter a single person
who wasn9t kind and profes-
sional,= Karen said of her
experience.
One of the nurses who
cared for Betty during her
six days at Hospice House
remains a friend to Karen.
Karen9s sibling responded
to her phone call and came
to be with their mother as
she died, spending five days
living in Betty9s room which
was furnished with a hide-a-
bed for family members.
Her sibling had made
peace with their mother in
his own mind, coming to the
conclusion that their mother
had done the best she could.
Being a musician, Karen9s
sibling played the guitar on
numerous occasions over
those five days. At one point,
though not conscious, Betty
raised her arm as if conduct-
ing the music.
A Hospice House staff
member asked Karen if she
would be alright if she wasn9t
present when her mother died,
as she drove home to Sisters
each night to sleep and tend to
her dog.
<I spent the past eight
years with her, shepherding
her to this point. I9ll be OK,=
was her reply.
While Karen was driving
home to Sisters on the sixth
evening, Betty passed.
<Hospice House did have
really good follow-up after
my mother9s death, even
though I didn9t take part in it.
I had gone through the whole
process with her and I felt
well-equipped to deal with
my grief and loss,= Karen
said.
Karen feels as if Betty9s
placement in Hospice House
and her subsequent death
there after six days, <allowed
us (Karen and her sibling)
to have an opening.= The
atmosphere and level of care
allowed Betty9s children the
opportunity to begin healing
deep-seated hurts.
<She (Betty) could only
do what she could do,= Karen
concluded. <Families are not
always what they seem.=