Wednesday, April 8, 2020 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon
5
Commentary...
Caring for an elder in the time of coronavirus
By Carol Statton
Columnist
One night after a fall, my
94-year-old mother-in-law
was catapulted into dementia
at a speed that was unfathom-
able. Four falls in six days,
three ambulance transports to
the hospital ER and an even-
tual admittance after sustain-
ing a fracture were just the
beginning.
Each step became more
unbelievable and our family
was thrust into an unbalanced
world that left us all feeling
helpless and overwhelmed.
This sudden onset of debili-
tating dementia changed our
family plan, our commitment
to care for our elderly family
member within the walls of
our own house, and daily life
as we knew it.
When our loved ones
cannot stay home safely and
continue to be in danger of
hurting themselves, the deci-
sions to be made are pain-
ful and difficult. For my
mother-in-law, what started
with a hospital stay became
something completely life-
changing. From the hospital
she was transferred to a reha-
bilitation center and then to a
short chapter in assisted liv-
ing; these steps all seemed to
be leading to the realization
that care at a deeper level was
absolutely necessary.
After several more falls
at the assisted living facility,
another hospital stay for a
second fracture, and quickly
deteriorating cognitive and
emotional capacity, the hos-
pital doctor and social worker
guided us to the understand-
ing that memory care was
truly needed.
During both of her hos-
pital stays we watched as
nurses became the example
of patience, even doing their
charting in her room just to
keep her calm. Everyone was
so kind and compassionate,
even when her mental state
and words were not the best.
When someone has
advancing dementia, any
type of changes can have an
impact. One of the hardest
things to witness is when an
elderly and confused family
member becomes frightened
by all of the changes they
can9t understand. Words com-
fort only for moments, and
the reality of living in differ-
ent places being cared for by
strangers, can be terrifying.
As a family member, the feel-
ing of helplessness and heart-
break is real and only contin-
ues to grow as the condition
deteriorates.
We have witnessed some
exceptional people in the
facilities my mother-in-law
has resided in, but the real-
ity of that world is that often
the setting is not pleasant and
the caregivers are worn thin.
Understaffing leads to limited
one-on-one care and a some-
times stressed atmosphere.
Nothing is like being
home with your loved ones,
and for my mother-in-law,
she had never known a dif-
ferent reality. Throughout
her life she was protected in
a safe cocoon by her mother,
her husband, by friends when
her husband passed away and
then by her family when she
relocated here to be with us.
Nothing about this new real-
ity felt fair or just.
In December, desper-
ate for a better facility with
improved care and food
choices, our prayers were
answered. We were able to
move my mother-in-law into
a memory care facility that
she had been on a waiting list
for and there were immediate
improvements on every level.
The transition was still hard
on her, and it has taken over
two months and fluctuating
medication adjustments to
help her feel more at peace,
but we know she is now being
cared for possibly even better
than we could do ourselves.
The one thing that brings
stability and peace into my
mother-in-law9s life are the
multiple visits per week
from her family. Seeing her
son is first and foremost;
he gives her a real sense
of security. My presence is
always received with a joyful
greeting and grandchildren
and great-grandchildren
somehow help her feel a
sense of what was and still is
4 the multigenerational love
of a close-knit family.
I think it has been the
awareness that we are coming
that gives her something posi-
tive to focus on and with her
mind now unable to focus on
television, books, magazines
or conversations, those visits
truly became another lifeline.
And yet now we have one
more challenge in this tragic
journey: the coronavirus.
Again we could never
have foreseen something
quite like these current times.
We had just gained a sense
that my mother-in-law was
becoming somewhat stable,
bonding with her caregiv-
ers and settling into her new
home. Prior to tightened
restrictions on gatherings, we
celebrated her 95th birthday,
thanks to the staff facilitat-
ing a nice private area to have
our family dinner party in.
Surrounded by her family, it
was a really good evening.
Things felt like they were
headed in a better direction,
but that feeling was short-
lived after a national order
closed these types of facilities
to all non-medical staff.
The serious threat of
COVID-19 is higher with the
elderly and we are grateful
that our government took the
necessary measures to protect
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those living in care facilities.
However, when dealing with
dementia, there is no way to
explain why you aren9t com-
ing to visit those within the
walls you can no longer enter.
Staff can explain and explain
and explain again, but those
minds cannot remember five
minutes later what was said.
In this time of rampant
and sometimes excessive
fear reactions, the fear within
those walls is completely real
and their world is now more
isolated than ever.
Where have their fami-
lies gone? Has something
happened to them? Don9t
they love me anymore? Am
I really all alone now? These
are the questions that were
already being asked by those
whose minds couldn9t stay
anchored in reality. Already
being asked before a virus
closed them off from any
sense of their place within a
family and the outer world.
For those who have
progressed into a deeper level
of dementia, the forgetfulness
may just be a blessing at this
point. But for those who do
still remember, the corona-
virus just became the most
cruel hand dealt.
Now more than ever we
are completely dependent on
those tasked with caring for
our vulnerable family mem-
ber and so grateful for their
dedication. We can hear in our
recent phone conversations
that this newest challenge is
affecting my mother-in-law9s
dementia and breathing (due
to anxiety). We can only hope
and pray that we are allowed
back in before too much more
deterioration occurs.
Once again we are even
more helpless and heartbro-
ken; we don9t know what
each new day will hold. We
can only pray that there are
positive advancements in a
timely manner so that noth-
ing worse happens while we
can stand outside looking in.
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