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Wednesday, June 13, 2018 The Nugget Newspaper, Sisters, Oregon
Commentary...
Memory is a river
By Katy Yoder
Columnist
Writing a memoir is not
for the meek! Opening portals
into the past, especially places
that hurt, may seem counter-
productive. I’ve been asked,
“Why do you want to bring
that back up again?” and
“Why do you want to focus
on the bad things? There’s so
many precious memories to
cherish.” Those are all good
questions to answer. But it’s
important to remember we’re
all unique and so are our cir-
cumstances. For me, it’s all
about thinking it through and
deciding if looking back can
help me heal.
Some people are better
than others at letting the past
go. Maybe some memories
are easier to forget, while oth-
ers seem to hang around like
mist in the morning. They
may evaporate as the sun’s
warmth reaches them, but
there’s a good chance that
come tomorrow morning they
will be back.
My barometer for what
to examine and what to for-
get is whether or not it keeps
reemerging. Memories of past
trauma triggered by scents,
familiar faces or locations
are usually the ones needing
attention. It’s my hope that
by bringing up memories that
were swept under the rug all
those years ago, I can finally
gain control over them and
watch them recede. I won’t
need them anymore. They
taught me what I needed to
learn and they can go.
Writing a memoir about
childhood trauma is my way
of learning from the past to
understand my present. I
wish I’d done it a long time
ago, not that I haven’t writ-
ten about certain troubling
parts of my life. During my
two-week writing residency
at PLAYA, I read all my jour-
nals from middle school to
present. There were miss-
ing time periods, but overall
they allowed me to visit my
younger self with all of her
angst, frustrations and fears.
I don’t think I was capable of
diving in as deeply as I am
now.
The younger me was liv-
ing a life ruled by opinions,
instincts and anxieties she
didn’t understand. She just
obeyed her emotions and
did what she could to stop
the pain and gentle her wild
thoughts.
I didn’t understand the
way I felt. Discretionary
amnesia controlled my mem-
ory and a misguided attempt
at self-preservation took
over. I wasn’t ready to look
closely at parts of my child-
hood that made me numb. I
just shouldered on, survived
and stuffed the questions
about why I was in the situ-
ations that caused me pain. I
didn’t have the tools or power
to extricate myself from the
situation, so I handled it as
best I could and then left it
behind… I thought.
Now, after five decades on
the planet, through sickness
and health, I’m ready to wean
myself off the anesthesia.
Hearing other stories, I know
many have endured much
worse. I’m learning that often
it’s not just about childhood
trauma, it’s also how adults
reacted and either fostered
security or isolation.
I understand now that
pain unacknowledged can
do permanent damage to my
immune system. Research
for my memoir revealed
some startling ideas. There
may be a correlation between
the aftermath of childhood
trauma and being diagnosed
with cancer later in life.
There’s also a higher instance
of eating disorders, anxi-
ety, thoughts of suicide and
depression.
I grew up before people
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openly discussed child sex
abuse. Quite often signs that a
child was the victim of abuse
went unrecognized by adults.
The secret abuse, hidden to
avoid retaliation by the perpe-
trator, was never resolved for
the child. That missed oppor-
tunity for healing often left
scars remaining into adult-
hood. Certain triggers cause
them to resurface. In my
case, the smell of cigar smoke
evokes an immediate feeling
of repulsion and anger.
When we were first mar-
ried, my husband and his
brothers liked to have a cigar
together on the back porch.
At first, they misunderstood
my reaction. I had to explain
to my husband why I hated
cigars. Once he understood, I
felt better and he knew why I
had such an overblown reac-
tion to something that seemed
so benign. Years later, cigar
smoke still evokes a twinge of
disdain but it doesn’t change
my mood or bring back pain-
ful memories. By figuring
out what was going on with
me and then telling my truth
to my loved ones, I was able
to tame the emotion and learn
to live with it in peace.
A memoir is a slice of life.
It’s a focused look at one time
period or experience. I see it
as a river. That analogy keeps
me on track, only including
tributaries that flow into the
main river. The river’s final
destination, the ocean, is the
universal truth found in my
experiences. There may be
dams built along the way.
They can slow or stop the
flow and impede my journey.
Due to stagnation, the emo-
tional waters heat up impact-
ing everything along the way.
Healthy water has to move. I
know I’ve been stuck.
Sometimes a spillway that
barely lets the water flow
through is all I can handle.
Eventually, I plan to blow
that dam to smithereens and
let it all
go. It’ll cause
some flooding of emo-
tions and upset for those used
to the calm but I know it’s
necessary to bring permanent
healing for my inner land-
scape… and hopefully my
outer landscape too.
Right now, I’m round-
ing up all the items that have
risen to the surface and will
investigate them one by one.
I will take my time, mak-
ing sure I don’t overload my
capacity to take in and pro-
cess what’s there. The impor-
tant thing to remember is the
river is flowing again. It’s on
its way back to the sea and
soon it will heal, allowing
for new life and the return of
what was lost so long ago.
Dr. Thomas R. Rheuben
General, Cosmetic, Implant
and Family Dentistry
~ Your Dentist in Sisters Since 1993 ~
We are here to help you smile with confi dence!
541-549-0109
|
304 W. Adams Ave.
|
Sisters
