THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, JANUARY 12, 1908.
HfflHJiH
rOT'S NEW in the paper?"
asked the House Detective,
an .he put his' elbows on an
'onyx desk-slab in the Hotel St. Reek
less, and gazed meditatively down
Cockatoo Lane.
"Not a great deal," said the Hotel
Clerk. "The religious department has
an essay on the duty of the clergy
by a well-known pugilist. And on the
3porting page there's a short talk
from the Rev. Dr. Peterson J. Mad
"ders on the subject of the New Short
Arm Jolt. Mr. Edwin Foy Fitzger
ld, late Foy, the noted serious actor,
persists In his determination to play
Hamlet, for which I honor him. It's
not many comedians that find out in
time they were intended by Nature
for tragedy. it is reported that he
will be supported by May Irwin as
"Ophelia." I use the word support
in this case advisedly, Larry. May
Irwin ouaht to Dlav ODhelia with
groat success if she'd. Only play it
by the pound. I can't' think' of any
one of the profession who could beat
her out unless it's a member of the
Elephant Quadrille at . Barnum's.
There's also an item from Chicago
saying 'a Divorce Club -has been or
ganized out there In that Far Western
City, by a lady who haa mislaid divers
of her husbands from time to time'
"Only them that's been divorced is
eligible, I take It?" guessed the House
Detective. .
"Yes, that's the rule," said the Hotel
Clerk. "So of course there's some
people in Chicago that'll be barred
out, though not a great many at that.
The Club Is going to hold social ses
sions every week at the Coliseum or
under a large tent or out on the Lake
Front, or some place that's roomy
enough for everybody to assemble,
and give the members a chance to in
toduce former members of their im
mediate families to, the present in
cumbents, as it were. "Are you relat
ed to that lady?' one member will
say to another. 'Only by marriage,'
the second one will reply. 'My hus
band used to 'be her husband one
Summer.' And then there'll- be joint
debates on such- timely and interest
ing subjects as 'Resolved, That mar
ried men make the best husbands,' or
'Resolved, That It is harder to keep
a wife than a cook.'
"It ought to be a very successful
organization, Larry. I think myself
that they should extend Its scope and
make it general In character."
"We could furnish a purty"" toler
able large chapter right here in New
York," said the House Detective.
"We could so," assented the Hotel
Clerk. "I think we'd have the banner
lodge inside of two months. It'd be
our own fault if we didn't, consider
ing the excellent team work on the
part of our Judges. Tl.is is no bush
BY L.EONE CASS BAFJR.
fWith Illustrations by the Author.
t.t those kctp house, who ne'er kept house
before,
And those who have kept home, keep house
the mora.
WITH the unerring intuition of a
Sherlock Holme. immedi
ately know that Billy Shakes
peare lived In a rooming-house, or,
what la oven worse, he was hunting
one to live in. If he had written
nothing more than those two little
lines, he would still retain his place
as the immortal bard In my affections.
There Is a personal touch in the lines
which gives one a sort of fellow feel
ing, a if we are companions in dis
tress, as It were.
I don't envy Bill one bit, lying out
there in his magnificent tomb, even
though his name and fame will live
forever. I'd rather be Just plain no
body me. alive and glad to be here in
Portland, which I fnncy is only one
degree less than heaven. I repeat, I
do not envy him, and I would not ex
change places with him for anything,
not even the. presidency of the Port
land Furniture Trust, but I do know
that It Bill were registered at the
. Portland Hotel this week, I'd dash
down there as quickly as our streetcar
system would take me and I'd walk
right past the throngs of hero-worship
ers surrounding him; embryo poets
with manuscript for him to pronounce
upon and possibly find a market for;
women carrying splendidly bound and
dertdedly new copies of his plays, lion
hunters, reporters, policemen, people
trying to trace their relationship to
the immortal William; past. them all I
would go. right up to his royal nibs
. and I d say, "Hollo, Bill, put her there.
old chap.
(No. Nina, he probably knows
nothing shout the Elk Lodge and,
since Bill Is no doubt in heaven, he will
never meet many direct representa
tives of the lodge.)
But he will understand my mean
ing when I whisper: "The password is
-rurnisnea rooms, ana we ve Dotn been
there."
And I have not a particle of doubt
but that Mr. Shakespeare would lm
mediately clasp me to him (of course.
John Henry, that is figuratively
speaking) and, with tears in his eyes
Invite me to dine with him in the
Grill.
-
It became necessary, several days aao,
for me to find quarters other than the
comfortable ones 1 then occupied.
"Rents has come up." my buxom land
lady Informed me. "All over town they
are coming up, . In roomin' houses, I
mean." she added as (he saw my face ex
pressed disbelief. "Anyway, I'm goln' to
rent out my rooms to transom .people. I
can make more that way. fer transoms
pays bettern permanent. The man aerost
the street says lt can send me all kinds
of people, an' I can keep my rooms full
all the time; transom people Bin t partic
ular and ita more money." She was be
ginning her parrot-like repetition again.
It Jarretj on ine.
I was mad clear through, anyway. The
hnoms had been made so homey and comfy
In spite of the fact that they were heated
by means of a villainous gas stove, and
that we harin'l had a bath (good lands.
Rosy, wait till I (Tills)) the sentence, can't
you?) In the plar-e since we moved in six
weeks before. We had taken our allotted
share of Portland's water for bathing pur
pose, but it had hen down town or in
the homes of solicitous friends, or. as a
last resort, a sort of spit bath In a small
bowl on a !x4 rug. (Yes, Henrietta, if It
offends your ear you may say expectorate
bath instead of spit.)
But naturally I resented having the
privacy of the place broken Into by tran
sient roomers, however deserving. No,
Augustus. 1 do not think 1 was selfish.
I only acted on the same principle that
league, Larry. We've hardly got a
divorce Judge on the bench that
didn't- bat well abeve .300 last season.
"You may recall how it was at our
large legal department store, called a
Courthouse, during the rush to clear
the docket for the recent holidays.
The papers had quite a piece about it.
On one side of the building sat the
overworked Judges, dissolving matri
monial - knockabout sketch teams at
the rate of 18 pairs per minute, which
is almost up to the best record of the
factory where they make the $3 shoes.
On the other' side of the same massive
structure sat the marriage clerk, busy
as a Swiss bellringer, turning out new
licenses for applicants who had just
been dissolved., so to .speak. 'Twas
ofT with the old and on with the new.
A short married life, and a merry
one.
"Picture the scene, Larry. In
comes a stout, sinewy gentleman, wifh
an under Jaw like a car-fender and a
pair of melting eyes that have run to
gether after they melted. The pre-
TV? . TT
Furnishings That You See in Portland, and Landladies and Cheerful Atmospheres and Things
you adopt, after you are snugly snoozing
in your comfortable bed, on a cold night,
and are suddenly ousted out of it to go
sleep on the parlor sofa, or the kitchen
lounge; because some of your friends or
relatives miss their car after the theater,
and come to your home, sure of bed and
breakfast. You dislike to change, eh?
Well, so did. I.
Propositions like holding a new baby,
or firing a cannon, or getting married,
pale into blank insignificance beside the
uncertainty of room hunting.
I firmly believe there exists somewhere,
unknown to ordinary mortals, but well
known and patronized by landladies and
rooming-house owners, a sort of manu
facturing plant -where they design, exe
cute and sell the furniture, hangings and
orrarnents tlJod spare the mark) for fur
nished rooms. Nowhere else do we see
the narrow oak dressers, set crossways
of the corner and having a red-bordered
towel for its cover, and with Its mirror
so fiendishly, hung that it always shows
only the tip of your shoes or the crown
of your head.
Where else do we find a commode (I'm
sure. Louise, I don't know where the
word originated, I should judge that It
is purely English "com" being short for
"come" and "mode" meaning "way"
hence "come way" or better still, "come
siding .Justice helps him into a chair,
tucks a cloth around his neck like a
Butte millionaire getting ready to eat
a griipe-fruit for breakfast, and runs
his hand over the newcomer's face.
'You have a tender . skin.' says the
Judge. 'Do you want a close divorce
of just once over?' .
"In the body of the court up rises a
lawyer. 'May it please the court,' he
says, 'not that it makes a hange.d bit
of difference,' he says, 'whether it
pleases the court or not, but anyway,
as we say, may it please the court, I
represent the defendant in this case,
and I. desire to insist, in the name of
that solemn rite known as the mar
riage contract, that "
" 'Back up,' says the' Judge, inter
rupting him. 'Who told you marriage
was a contract?'
" 'Well, it used to be,' says the -lawyer.
'
" 'Maybe it did,' says the " Judge,
away"). I can admire a dresser that Is
a swell dresser (No, Henry, I'm talking
of furniture) and I love my bed(espe
cially late In the mornings). I can even
look tip to the pictures, and smile at the
mirror, the chairs possess attractions for '
, ,. : i . : : :
me. and 1 have heard of people becoming
attached to a gaa jet but. really, I can't
even get enthusiastic about a commode.
It Invariably holds a bowl and pitcher,
a soap dish and a drinking glass, at least
I suppose it's a drinking glass, though
the former tenant may have used it for
his toothbrush and to hold his false
teeth at night.
And the green roses on the bowl and
pitcher would drive Luther Burbank wild
with envy.
And always there Is a folded towel,
evenly laid across the top of the pitcher,
and two others draped across the top
rung of the commode. (As usual, John
Henry, you are right; they use the three
only for bait; after they catch you it's
a lucky things if you get even one each
day.)
And It there's a shelf anywhere in the
room, there's always a tall vase with im
possible flowers on it, and sometimes in
It. with very often a Dutch shepherdess
dancing the can-can on one end of the
shelf, flanked by a boy in skin-tight trou
sers posed a la Napoleon. .
They are rarely Inviting. I defy you to
'but not any more-. It's now a 90-day .
option. I refer the learned barrister j
to the, latest authority, on this subject I
'Three weeks.' '
"Then turning again to the plain
tiff: . 'Go on, my good man,' says the
Judge;-"what are the grounds for your
suit?' - ' ...
" 'Cruelty and inhuman conduct,"
-A DIVORCE. IN 'TEE SORDID, "VULGJIR. YANKEE TZST
says the party in the chair. 'Although
I took an invalid for a wife, she mia)
treats me horribly on the slightest
provocation.' . .
"'Where W she'now?' inquires -the
Judge. . . ' "
" 'In the hospital," says the suffer-,
ing plaintiff. 'She attacked me with
such fun" the last time that she frac
tured her skull, gouged out one of hef
eyes and knocked several of her front
teeth down her own throat."
" 'Poor, patient, creature that, you
are!' says the Judge. 'What Is your
business?'
-find me one furnished room that spells
comfort and breathes hne, when' you
view it for the first time, in its untenant
ed "to rent" state. The lodger before
you has always .just left, and the room
may be a . bit untidy, the landlady tells
you as ,if, having eyes, yon see not; He,
the former tenant, was so disorderly, too,
she goes on to cay, and left things to
and she and Lizzie ain't got around yet
to "red up."
Oftentimes he tells you it is their
cleaning day; that is a good and always
plausible excuse for whatever may be out
of gear In the household machinery her
personal appearance or the untidiness of
the room.
Do not go to view furnished rooms in
the garish light tof early morning; the
lifeless air they present would strike chill
to the stoutest heart. Besides, in the
early morning your landlady Is ner at
her best. (Oh, of course, ' John Henry ( if
you are one of those fools who rush In
where angels fear to tread, you may rent
your rooms In the forenoon and get
glimpses of unmade beds, dishes stacked
high, littered floors, a - klmono-ed and
curl-papered landlady, and come away
with the odor of coffee and boiling cab
bage, clinging to you.)
The noon hour Is a good time to go If
you wish to see all the defects of the
room and household. William may be
" Tm an animal-tamer by profes
sion,' says the weak-spirited plaintiff.
'In the Summer I handle a troupe of
performing hyeaas down at Coney
Island, and in the Winter I break
Western horses for a local livery
stable.'
" 'You have my. sincerest sympa
thies,' says His- Honor, as he reaches
for (the bay rum bottle and a blank
decree. 'Well, better luck next time.
Brush. Next gent.'
' "Up trips a fair litigant, who favors
the. court with a rare smile.
" 'And. what's your trouble, my
dear?'- he inquires, in a soothing
manner, combing down his mustache
and reaching around to see if the
ptecket of his silken gown of office is
misbehaving. '
" 'Incompatibility, says . the- lady.
'My husband's hair doesn't match the
color of my new Princess gown. I'll
have to give up one or the other, and'
home for lunch, and hurried with busi
ness worries: the children clamoring hun
grily for their mid-day feed never you
mind. They want to rent those rooms
a-nd all else can. wait. '
But if you are wise you will pick out
your rooms in the softening glow of a
gas jet or a kerosene lamp with a smoked
chimney.
The family and other roomers will alt
be home then, and can ask all they care
to about yourself and your down-sittings
and up-rlsings, your belongings, your
occupation. If you are from the East (and
the lord be with you If they discover
you knew some one back in Missouri who
Is almost a relation of theirs). The chil
dren of the house can ascertain if you
have any little boys and girls, or (hope
fully) a dog for them to play with; you
may perhaps be lucky enough to meet
the other roomers, or some of the neigh
bors, or Clara's young, man-.
' Then too the charitable gas . light will
not penetrate to the farther corners, and
show you the fraye carpet and the Ink
splotch under the table, you oannot tell
whether the curtains are that fashionable
ecru color or merly need soap and water;
the soiled wallpaper shows-, softened and
mellow and as your landlady plants her
self over the hole In the carpet In front
it's a very expensive gown, while he
is quite the contrary, and we're peo
ple of moderate means;, and Mr. Put
num Asunder, the lawyer who does
all my divorce business for me, is tak
ing the case at a bargain, so here I
am. It'll be a great favor to me.
Judge, if you'll kindly dhurry up the
details, because the gentleman who's f
going to be my next husband is wait
ing outside, and he's got to get back
to his Job."
'"Very thoughtful of you,' says the
Judge. Tell me,' he says, 'is it one of
those close-fitting Princess gowns that
seem to cling?'
" 'It is,' says the lady, 'with buttons
all the way down the back and a low
necked neck.'
" 'I'd admire to see you in it some
of- these days,' says the kindly Judge,
eyeing her Judiciously, and at the
same time fixing his tie. 'Maybe I'd
better take your address,' he says.
. "So with that they're divorced and
Jive happily ever afterward, as they
say In the new brand of Elinor Glyn
of the dresser, you do not f even know
of its existence.
To change an old couplet.
"Furnished rooms when seen 'at night.
Do not look the same, next day."
After you have all feasted your eyes
gloomily on the room, and its contents
you find your voice and ask what the
rent is.
She names her price; you hesitate, then
feeling that perhaps you can do better,
tell her so. '
"Do you think they are too'hlgh?" They
always come at you witn tms question
and it is really wonderful the amount of
Injured surprise they put into their voice
and face.
You feebly answer that you think its
a bit higher than you. want to pay.
And then they spring that moss-grown,
worm-eaten chesnut of how much they
have always got for that particular room,
and that it really is wortli more, but mat
they thought they were doing you a favor
in letting it go so reasonably, all of which
makes you marvel greatly, and wish you
could sink -Into the pavement as you feel
their eyes boring through your back, in
leaving. ,
This is what I call a Litany for a
hunter of furnished-rooms, ' :
From a towel folded neatly and laid
across a pitcher.
fairy tales that are- so popular this
year.
"But the older civilizations of Eu
rope look with abhorrence upon our
divorce laws, Larry. In . England,
now, a divorce suit is liable to drag
along for 80 or 90 years;, whereas, a
murder trial rarely lasts more than
15 minutes over there, and the Jus
tice -pauses in the task of (slipping the'
black cap on over his wig to ask the
prisoner at the bar if he's guilty or
not guilty: and by the time the ac
cused I mean the condemned fin
ishes his plea, the hangman has got
the proper length af rope and ap
proximate size of noose all figured out
on his cult, and is stealing off to no
tify the official grave-digger to get
busy. In some of the continental cities
where a husband only comes home
when he wants to settle a bet that he
made at a club, on whether his wife
Is a blonde or' a. brunette, divorces
are not heeded any way, and the di
vorce court is viewed with intense re
pugnance among the best people.
"Still, I hardly blame these for
eigners for feeling the way they do,
Larry. Our divorce habit has cost
them a lot of money when .you come
to figure it up. There arrives on these
shores the Baron Carl Otto Hans
Christian Anderson Grimms Fairy
Tales Von Wursthelmer, with a repu
tation as a duelist and a face so full
of saber scars that It looks like one
of those openwork shirtwaist pat
terns that come put up in a box. Or
maybe it's a member of an old Roy
alist family of France, a fascinating
little person with the frank, open
countenance and manly physique of a
suspected jockey on an outlaw track;
or possibly a British peer with a
breath like a hot mince pie and the
quick and nimble wit of a wax doll.
"Anyway, whichever it is, he comes
over and marries Intp one of our old
sugar or railroad or coal oil families
of great wealth. The exultant father
of the bride steps, across with the
funds necessary to rehabilitate the
ancestral castle, which has ."been, used
by several generations of the tenantry
as a cow-barn. . The groom is provid
ed with an American Income befitting
his European station. But after a
few years the lady gets tired of only
seeing her titled husband .when he
feels like beating up somebody that
can't fight back, and she takes her
black eres and her split upper lip Into
the courts and gets a divorce In the
sordid, vulgar Yankee way, and sails
home, thus depriving another noble
family of its only- visible means of
support' '
"I-ain't got so much sympathy for
the American girls wot marry ' them
lazy foreigners," said the House De
tective. "They deserve' to get the
worst of it'
"In such marriages, it generally
turns out that both sides get the
worst of it," said the Hotel Clerk.
Good Lord, deliver us.
From little gas heaters with big gas
meters;
Good Lord, deliver ua
From festooned decorations of pins
cones, varl-colored paper linked in ropesj
or cheesecloth drapery across the top of
the dresser.
Good Lord, deliver us.
(Of course, Mrs. Rentrooms,' I know
that it hides the cracked place in the
mirror, and I appreciate the fact that It
catches the dust so nicely that you are
saved extra work, but it offends my
esthetic sense.)
From, calendars left on the walls by
former occupants.
Good Lord, deliver us.
(Can't you just see those calendars, John
Henry? Bilious fruit, painfully smiling
ladies, children In unnatural and stiff
poses, vases of flowers, always over
colored, over hard- and Invariably over
the commode.)
From pictures done by friends or rea:
tives of the family, ' .
Good Lord, deliver us.
From Scripture texts and illuminated
motto cards, especially those pertaining
to Home.
Good Lord, deliver us.
From a statuette of Cupid suspended
from the gas Jet
Good Lord, deliver us.
From next door roomers wbo hash over
their marital troubles after I am started
on the road to-bye-lo,
, Good Lord, deliver us. .
From leaky roofs, good Lord, Meliver us.
.(Yes, Augustus, you are right, tre bed
is invariably placed under the leak, and
the owner of the property undoubtedly
works by that old theory; when It rains
he can't fix, it, and when It Is dry It
don't need fixing.)
From a steam radiator, that hisses and
sputters vociferously when the heat is
turned on, and wails In sucking gasps a
few minutes later when the thoughtful
Janitor turns it off.
Good Lord, deliver us.
(Yes, I know, John Henry, I ought to be
thankful he turned it on at all.)
From closets -without hooks, doors'
minus locks. locks minus keys, stopperless
windows, transoms on a strike, dresser
from rugs that trip, from cracked drink
ing glasses, from wobbly chairs, from
rockers that shriek protestlngly when you
sit in them, and from wads of gum left
on' the under side of the tables, and
chairs and along the door casings,
Sood Lord, deliver us.
From landladies withr amphibious habits,
who carry with them an all pervading air
of dampness and the appearance of hav
ing just been wrung out; from the land
lady with an inquiring turn of mind; from
the landlady who looketh on the' beer
when It foameth, and from the one who
appears In curl papers and a hong slimpy
wrapper:' held together solely by the first
pin the Masons' wore.
Good Lord, deliver us.
So endeth my litany.
. 1 have answered advertisements all
over; from bungalow cottages on Port
land Heights to scows on the river trout
with water privileges, for the cultivation
of ducks and fever and ague. This after
noon I'm going out to view the follow
ing.
TO LET A small grass plot at the south
end of Fulton carllne; fine view, quiet
- neighborhood.
TO LETT To a quiet person with refer
ences, the entire upper part of a finely
situated fish barrel, located In Willam
ette Heights; water- and gas (the hy
drant and gas lamp being on either
- side).
TO LET The alleyway of a new 6-story
hotel on ;the East Side, to responsible
parties. Entrance through alley gate.
TO LET A large, airy closet, newly pa
pered, and painted, situated on 4th flour
of house in .Albina. No objection to
dogs; no children allowed.